Mar. 5th, 2011

openscarf: (journey)

2009 was a year that divided my life, cut it cleanly in two.  Although I know that all along the years there have many phases, twists, turns and transitions, 2009 is the year that’s the invisible yet clear demarcation between black and white. Or fuchsia and chartreuse; then and now.

2010 was in some ways more frightening. Reentry, debriefing, rolling back my shoulders and swallowing fear, feeling it run down my body in rivulets, out the soles of my feet into the earth, to be transformed. Breathing into my heart and seeing the crown of my head open and receiving light from every sun and night star in every galaxy and feeling that light illuminating inside me.

 I located myself which is deeply satisfying.

Four temporary jobs and now on Monday I start a long term temp job that is most likely a very long term temp or will go permanent. It’s going to be good to settle in somewhere and just do the work and come home and look again for myself. I’m still here, but the last several months have been overly worrisome.  Getting by these last several months has been a feat; I’m way too solitary and need more fun, but at the same time I often feel boundless joy, for no reason I can grasp.

I feel sometimes like I’m constantly running numbers in my head, what do I have, what do I have to do. It will be luscious to stop doing that. I have those numbers down, imprinted in my brain.

Life is fluid.

I don’t have a lover in my life right now. I thought that the other day with sadness and immediately that thought was followed by, ‘you have someone who risked his life for you;’ and that flooded with me emotion and love. The words seem easy to write or say, but the meaning of them is extraordinary and I know that. That’s a love that I don’t know how, or care to know how, to categorize. It just is. I have that.

 And so! Another phase begins on Monday at the new job. It’s been fantastic meeting new people at each job, it’s been very positive. I’ve received praise and accolades, more for having a manner about me, than doing anything out of the ordinary, although I always do a good job. It seems the person I discovered is being let out and is appreciated. I like being called pretty, sexy, all that, but being told you have and give good energy, may be even better.

I came home from my last day at the temp job yesterday completely exhausted and fell asleep around 8. I’m awake now, obviously, but feel tired and quiet and extremely emotional, which is ok. I know my yoga practice is going to feel amazing. I don’t know what I’m going to do today, not too many chores, not too much analyzing. Yoga, reading, writing, make a few phone calls; let the old trickle out to make room for the new.

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