openscarf: (Default)
Without a doubt, nights are too short and if you're not careful, you waste all your time letting go of the last 8 to 10 hours. If you linger too long, you're asleep on the sofa, half a glass of wine undrunk, you missed the end of your favorite show, there's an info commercial on and you have to drag your ass up and floss and brush.

But then if you do your yoga cause you love your yoga, then wash your hair, cause you love your new shampoo-Wen-and it's really making a difference and then you catch up on all the news and stories of the day online, then there's barely time to write, either here or there. I should be in bed reading a book, but I'm staying up a little while longer. With wine.

I knew this date was approaching, but as I was walking home today, our 4th cool, windy and rainy day in a row,  as I got close to my place I realized with a little jolt that tomorrow is May 18. Two years ago tomorrow, was the day I was beaten in my car and robbed. He just completed his first year in prison. As I walked up my driveway I thought that I have a second birthday. I think anyone who has survived an extremely violent assault, has a second birthday. I look back on the 18 months that followed, believe it or not, fondly, tenderly, compassionately.  So much growth and healing and waking up occurred. It hasn't stopped but I'm 'back' or at least 'not there' for the most part. It was like living in a separate world, dreamlike and unexplainable. I feel like I'll be processing it forever.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. It's impossible not to think about. I think about me, surviving, not about him and fear. It's not a date that anyone else remembers either which makes it or keeps it so personal, undefinable...

My immediate supervisor at work is a grade A asshole, misogynist, lazy, sexist, dog of a guy. AARRGGGHHH I'm sure I'll write more about him later.

And speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger, nice bombshell today. Can't. Stand. That. Guy.

So finally, my little mother opened her email on Monday and read her story. I got a card from her on Friday and spoke to her on Sunday. She was overwhelmed beyond words at how personal the tale was, she has read it many times and my dad read it twice and was touched. She has it in her Bible which she reads everyday. I guess that's compliment enough. I really wanted to take something scary for her and make it magical and I think I did. That's all that matters.

I'm asking for a special dream tonight. We'll see.

openscarf: (journey)

2009 was a year that divided my life, cut it cleanly in two.  Although I know that all along the years there have many phases, twists, turns and transitions, 2009 is the year that’s the invisible yet clear demarcation between black and white. Or fuchsia and chartreuse; then and now.

2010 was in some ways more frightening. Reentry, debriefing, rolling back my shoulders and swallowing fear, feeling it run down my body in rivulets, out the soles of my feet into the earth, to be transformed. Breathing into my heart and seeing the crown of my head open and receiving light from every sun and night star in every galaxy and feeling that light illuminating inside me.

 I located myself which is deeply satisfying.

Four temporary jobs and now on Monday I start a long term temp job that is most likely a very long term temp or will go permanent. It’s going to be good to settle in somewhere and just do the work and come home and look again for myself. I’m still here, but the last several months have been overly worrisome.  Getting by these last several months has been a feat; I’m way too solitary and need more fun, but at the same time I often feel boundless joy, for no reason I can grasp.

I feel sometimes like I’m constantly running numbers in my head, what do I have, what do I have to do. It will be luscious to stop doing that. I have those numbers down, imprinted in my brain.

Life is fluid.

I don’t have a lover in my life right now. I thought that the other day with sadness and immediately that thought was followed by, ‘you have someone who risked his life for you;’ and that flooded with me emotion and love. The words seem easy to write or say, but the meaning of them is extraordinary and I know that. That’s a love that I don’t know how, or care to know how, to categorize. It just is. I have that.

 And so! Another phase begins on Monday at the new job. It’s been fantastic meeting new people at each job, it’s been very positive. I’ve received praise and accolades, more for having a manner about me, than doing anything out of the ordinary, although I always do a good job. It seems the person I discovered is being let out and is appreciated. I like being called pretty, sexy, all that, but being told you have and give good energy, may be even better.

I came home from my last day at the temp job yesterday completely exhausted and fell asleep around 8. I’m awake now, obviously, but feel tired and quiet and extremely emotional, which is ok. I know my yoga practice is going to feel amazing. I don’t know what I’m going to do today, not too many chores, not too much analyzing. Yoga, reading, writing, make a few phone calls; let the old trickle out to make room for the new.

openscarf: (Default)
The spring cleaning on a sunny warm day after errands continues. It's supposed to rain all next week.

My friends were working in a thrift store they're involved with that employs and benefits single mothers. After the final closing of my Chase bank account, going to my new bank and to the drugstore for stuff, I stopped in to say hi and saw some great stuff. I bought a really cool long knotted multi-strand, gold and silver colored necklace for $10. It says something. I believe in spending a little so I don't get into a persistent "lack" or "going without" state of mind, I think spending a little is expressing faith to the universe that abundance is infinite. So that was my little pleasure.

My friend would say anything I put on looks fantastic on me; he liked it a lot. Then a photographer came in and said she had just styled and shot  something and that necklace would have been perfect and exactly what is going on now and if she had come in ten minutes earlier, she would have bought it.  I liked that.

Today I'm tackling old paperwork, most of it having to do with the assault and all the insurance claims and receipts. Because that's what was taking up space in the next area/containers on my list.

I'm tossing all the old stuff except certain pertinent papers. I have a final appeal to the victim/witness compensation insurance for the tooth implant which was finally completed on Thursday. Tooth #14 is a big beautiful bionic tooth, The hole is filled, I know my smile is more even, I feel the inside of my cheek more filled out, I could feel my lips and tongue making the adjustment.  It made me so happy to have it finished, a very physical and aesthetic boost.  So now I have 3 letters from various dentists concerning the procedure, all my co-pays, statements, and I'll send that all in and fight them to pay for it.  It's a few thousand dollars I could really use.

Going through the paperwork was mostly fine, the stuff I kept, I'm keeping for the memories, for the novel, for when I'm old, I don't know. I had a good cry that felt cleansing but exhausting, and now I'm really emotional, so I turned to my awesome resource, LJ. It was the ER medical report that brought on the tear-fall. Fucking bastard really fucking beat me up. (Big long slow chest lifting inhale, long slow, lower abs in exhale, and repeat, etc.)

Saw a t-shirt today:  "Love more, fear less."  There is not a thing wrong with that.

I took this picture yesterday while I was walking during my lunch break. I call it Spring Flag.


openscarf: (Default)

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