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Today I was ready to start cutting and deconstructing and putting iback together again-my shadowy visions for some of my Burning Man clothes. I got way too much sleep last night, drank a lot of coffee this morning and headed to the craft store where I got some felt to line one of the bra-camis that I' going to embellish with seaglass and shells; eyelet-grommet type thingies for the lace mini I'm going to slash, attach suede, the eyelets and then lace up with suede. I got fabric glue, super-duper embellishing glue, stitch witchery, a small swatch of brown suede and sea and blue green suede laces.

Friends are sending shells, I'm getting apple green seaglass from Hawaii and am bidding on cornflower blue in a couple of days.

The lace mini was supposed to be dyed silver grey. It came out black. I tried to lighten it with bleach and nothing happened. I got a Rit dye lightener and that worked a little. I played around with the dyes I had and got a maroon-ish color; brewed up the pot some more and it's between black and the color the bustier turned, a deep raisin-y color. Balls! I just have to get over that. My little sea motif for that piece is just shot so I'll focus on the Steam and the Punk.

I thought I'd glue the felt into the bra of the top this afternoon after more coffee and just needing to get started. I used the wrong glue and did it on the wrong side. Balls! It came off easily, I washed the top, there are some gluey spots that might peel off when it's dry, if not, it's going to be covered up anyway.

I'm just too eager and my mind is not focused what with needing a job and all and the coffee and the sleep and facebook and ebay. OH, to win on ebay do you have to use snipe? I really don't want to. I can tell last time I was sniped though. There's a free trial but I don't trust free trials.

An email went around today planning our entry into the playa. Last year our spot was saved by a theme camp my campmates were part of and friends with. That theme camp isn't coming this year so we have to secure our own spot.  It sounds like me, the guy and the two women from LA will drive up in a semi caravan and get to the gate at midnight, getting into the playa during daylight sometime Monday. We'll try to stay together and the guy has walkie-talkies if it gets confusing (and I'm sure it will) on the playa as we search for our coveted spot, not too close to the main drag (too noisy) not too far back (hillbilly land), etc.

Next on my my mind is my hair. It used to be long. Several months ago I lightened it and semi-destroyed it, not for the first time. I've been cutting an inch or two off every weekend to seek health. Two weeks ago I got my first real hair-cut in almost 2 years, I wanted it short, I just wanted to hack off the past, the dead stuff, start fresh, look different, etc. I don't really love having short hair, I don't feel as pretty as I do with long hair, but I wanted to not even care and I didn't'. I deplore the job she did at the same time not caring cause it grows. We were aiming for a cut in a picture, long bang, short overall, kind of choppy, Since I had just cut my bangs myself, the look wouldn't come together until my bangs grew out, so this was to be a transitional cut. However. She cut a top layer too short (not good for thick wavy coarse hair), then the bottom isn't shaped, is too long, and she thinned it out rather randomly. I kind of didn't care because I knew I'd be going back in a few weeks once my bangs grew out.

Well, Friday I'm going to my friend's from the previous job whose husband cuts hair, he cares about woman's hair, I think I'll emerge with something better than this shortish cap of waving snakes on my head and hopefully come out with a short edgy style.
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The manager in Trader Joe's wondered if our recently extremely short summers are due to the earth's shift on its axis. Has it shifted I asked? He laughed and said he read it but has noticed in the last few years how few warm days we have here and how much later they come.  I agreed and then he said, who knows, maybe we'll end up on Mars. I laughed and said or maybe we'll stay here and the governments will implode and we'll start from scratch. I think we both were enjoying that fantasy. Like Mad Max days.

Which brings me right into what I've been doing the last few weekends among other things, planning and creating my Burning Man wardrobe.I love doing this part. I dyed the hot little bustier I got at the thrift store. I used an acid dye,the color is called tobacco leaf, a brownish, greenish, peachy color, but for whatever reason the instant I put it in the pot it was a deep zinfandel red. I left it in the maximum time but it's a deep beautiful red.The paper towels were a leafy color though. The red is pretty, very saturated and deep, but not for BM.  I'm going 'over-dye' it in an espresso brown and see how that turns out. Next weekend.

I have two more white items I'm going to dye, the one I bought today, at full price! I think the tobacco leaf will work on it, there's some fabric on the inside seam I can test it on. Hopefully I get the green-brown I want.
More!! )

On to lighter and brighter thoughts. A beautiful day, well spent, good neighbors, warm hearts out there and my babies of course (my kittahs!) Oh and I bought a ring ($3) looks like much more, of an elephant head with a few tiny jewels, like Ganesh, it totally and completely rocks.
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Hi Friends, I also posted this on fortysomething, since long ago I asked them for advice. Sorry for the redundancy.

At least as many words have been written as alkali particles riding the wind; as many photos taken as total playa residents, times 10,000, yet I want to add my words because it’s just that special to me.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve watched so many Burning Man videos with urgency, excitement and a permanent smile stretching my facial muscles. Now I find myself backing away from others’ experiences - I believe it now, I was there and want to look at and think about my own.

I’m attempting my wrap-up piece, although the much repeated and very sensible three week mark hasn’t passed yet. And I in no way believe this is the end of what I’ll write, it’s just for now. I want to preserve both my fleeting and lasting impressions and like a prehistoric short-lived dragonfly, retain my perceptions, of now, in ancient amber.

By this time, you probably know about the dust angels, ringing the bell, fire and the surreal dark streets that become so familiar you ache for them when it’s over. You know men wear skirts and women wear pasties or more and less. You know you need a lot of water and ride your bike everywhere. You know how gorgeous and other worldly the Black Rock Desert is.

By now you know there are never ending street performances, dances, art structures, surreal vehicles, parties, new people to meet and meditations. You know the day is fantastic and the nights are magical. There is time with friends and time alone, music, connections, glances, greetings, sharing, hugs, kisses, laughter and tears. Hours both race by and linger on the tongue like pear vodka.


Read more... )


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I visited the Temple of Flux four times. I wanted to go each day, but the way the hours roll seamlessly there with no meaning or inherent to-do-ness, I think four was pretty good.

P and rode out there the first morning. All ready it was a sacred space. There is a temple each year and it’s grown in popularity. It burns the night after the Man burns. This year’s temple was a very organic looking piece that was a series of hills and nooks and open spaces.People leave all sorts of objects in memory of loved ones and themselves. Paintings, pictures, books, dolls, toys. Some sprinkle ashes there.

I had planned to spend time alone there. I wanted to release and leave many things there, in a temporary place that would grow, burn and disappear as if no one had ever been there.

People treat the temple reverently and a wave of softness enveloped me when we walked in. We mostly walked around and read memorials and sat for a few minutes writing in our journals. I just wrote words, incomplete thoughts.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to physically leave there yet, but imagined writing a poem during the week.

On the way out that first day, I laughed and signed a memorial that said: I forgive myself for my financial troubles.

I think it was Thursday when I popped out of bed the minute it felt warm, washed up, slathered on sunscreen, tied a sarong to go with the tank top I slept in, pulled on my boots, grabbed my pack and rode out, early morning playa. It was probably around 8ish. That had been my dream for almost a year. The light is beautiful, it’s quiet and sparsely populated. It’s just hard to get up and go that early if you’re up late the night before. It was so worth it.


Read more please... )



Sep. 13th, 2010 07:48 pm
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Our neighborhood had a kissing booth.  It was usually staffed by young Europeans guys and American girls. I think when it wasn’t staffed it was open for whomever. Some of the European guys were amazing looking.

 It was conveniently located on the way out to the playa/or on the way home and near the port-o-potties. Can you say ambiance? It just didn’t matter. My first morning trip to the loo, I was dressed and fresh and feeling fine. I saw the young guys in the booth and smiled and one kept calling to me, I just smiled. He was gorgeous.

I did my business and as I was riding back home, decided to swing up. He started talking to me in a charming accent and he smiled and why not start the day with a lovely long sweet kiss? Which we did.

I saw him several times over the week. He always called out to me. I always went over, except the one morning I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet, I just smiled alluringly. Our kissing got much better and hotter. He was from Belgium, so that’s what I called him.

 P and Bird were with me on separate occasions and were duly impressed with me and Belgium.

 Friday afternoon he said, “Come to our Karma Sutra party tonight.”

 Of course! I asked him what time and he said 9. I half jokingly asked if it would be going on later and he said no.

 I figured he didn’t understand me and said “Your Karma Sutra party is from 9 to 11?” And he said yes. I just smiled and said OK. He pointed out the purple RV and said to knock and ask for him. We parted with the best kiss ever. Really.

 P had met someone from their camp earlier; we were kind of intrigued to see just what went on there. It was our ‘explore the neighborhood’ night and we couldn’t resist.

Long after nine, we rode up and knocked on the purple RV door. A man and a woman were waiting to get in, they said something like couples and single women were invited. P hung back a little.

A seemingly stern older German guy with a white brush haircut opened the door - no smiles, no hello. I had seen him at the booth. I glimpsed in and saw a couple men who looked just like him on mattresses, I believe they were naked. I sweetly asked if Belgium was there. He said NO.

So I asked, "What do you do in here?"

He said, “We make LOVE. “

His accent was so strong and he punched those three syllables like cement on stone, he slammed “love” the hardest in his guttural thick accent. What it sounded like was this:  Here, we torture and maim humans, cut them up, cook the flesh, eat with blood spilling down our bodies and scatter the remains in the desert. (Read with your best German serial killer accent).

 Ok, I said. Great. The couple calmly waited to get in.

P and I rode on for a long night of fun, minus karma sutra. We only had another day and a half, I didn’t see Belgium again but didn't look too hard either. He had been pure beauty, sensuality and joy for me.

I told the campmates and strangers/friends the story and “We make LOVE” became a fitting punch line to many giddy conversations.

Camp                                                                                                      P and I shared the orange tent

A street somewhere         


This was fantastic. When it was windy and you stood in the middle it sounded incredible, other worldly, beautiful.


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I don’t know how to begin. I’ve heard it takes about 3 weeks to fully return. I believe it.


I scribbled words and thoughts while I was there but they’re simply bookmarks or postits to remind me, maybe, of something. This is the beginning, but I’m going to write mostly non-chronologically. This is the record, but I’m sure I’ll be writing about it for months.


I drove the whole way, happily. The first highlight was before we even got there, we took a slight detour , rounded a bend and saw magnificent Pyramid Lake. It's absolutely one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I was enthralled. We drove around it one way then the other, a sensual and gorgeous thrill. These pictures are off the internet. I’ve never seen water this blue, these pictures are true.



In Gerlach, the town closest to the desert, it rained. We just started laughing. We had not prepared for rain and we no longer cared what happened while we were there, we just wanted to be there and we had almost done it. It had seemed formidable and almost impossible. We (and everyone on the playa, we later learned) were treated to a magnificent double rainbow and could see the beginning and end.


We turned “off the asphalt” at about 8:30pm on Monday. I’m still not clear if this next part was 4 or 8 miles, but it was 4 lanes of vehicles waiting to get in. Far off to the right we could see what literally looked like Oz. We could make out the Man.


I’ve always thought that driving west on highway 24 at night, through the Caldecott Tunnel, then bursting through the other side and seeing San Francisco on a clear night was like seeing Oz.  I have to think of another comparison now.


We waited in line for about 3 hours but at the time, we had no idea how long we'd be in line or what to expect at the 'end.'  Cars, campers, and RV’s stretched as far as the eye could see; people walked around, stretching their legs.  We considered we may sleep there and greet sunrise in the car, which was fine, we had all our food, water and our pee funnels and containers. Every 40 minutes or so, there’d be a burst of activity and we’d move.  We people watched, made jokes about every car and person and laughed a lot.


I all ready felt some freedom in what I was wearing. An old gold knit sparkly camisole that had a hole in the hem, so I trimmed it, capri yoga pants and my boots. It was cold. At sunset I put on my sweater.


We finally reached K. on our walkie talkie and he gave us the camp address, E and 7:30.  And then we got to the head of the line! The car got searched, and then we got hugged, encouraged, made sand angels and rang a big bell proclaiming the loss of our virginity. Then we drove in. We were giddy.


Surreal doesn’t begin to describe it; dark streets, people and camps everywhere; music thumping from every direction. We found our camp.  K. was exhausted from setting up his huge camp that he was generously sharing with us and others, we told him to sleep and we’d set up our tent. It was about 35 degrees. I was freezing, exhausted, overwhelmed, but got through it. We got it up, got the sleeping bags and pillows in, dragged in some needed stuff, put on our sweats, smoked a few bowls and lay our weary heads down.


We met a lot of people in the morning, our campmates, figured out how to clean up and get out and got on our bikes. The dream I’d had in my head for 10 months was a reality. I was riding my bike in the playa.


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I'm back!!  Best. Time. Ever.

More to follow eventually. I was able to post this the usual way, no photo bucket, not sure why. I use a freebie account...
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The temperatures in Gerlach, the town outside the Black Rock Desert look to be pretty mild. A little rain today, then pure sun, highs in the 80's and 90's and lows in the 50's.

I was anticipating 3 digit days and lows in the 40's.  This seems amazingly wonderful, it certainly doesn't seem unbearable. Not that it would matter much.

I bought 16 gallons of water yesterday and stuffed them in my car.  This morning I'll fold the seats down, rearrange the water and slide my bike in. I have a Yaris, they're pretty small, but with skill you can put a lot in them. Then I'll go to P's to meet K who is coming with his big truck and  taking our bikes and hopefully our water. He's driving up tonight. I'll probably come back here, load my car up and go back to P.'s to load her car, so we have less to do tomorrow morning when she comes by.

I'm in the last stages of organization. I want to have a peaceful night tonight. I'm all kinds of crazy inside.

Scared, excited, dreamy, nervous, hopeful, curious, moody, organized, tired, guilty.

I have lots of well-wishers here. So many people from here go, that everyone in stores know  the best thing to get for what you want to do.

Running around, I imagine certain people are shopping for the same event as I am. Everyone has been or knows someone who has been and they're all mellow and cool, their eyes light up when you tell them, they want you to have fun and tell a story or name a friend who's going and doing something there.

My building mates are joyfully encouraging me. Yesterday I had a fabulous discussion with a 60 year-old woman who is very spiritual, she helped me a lot during my recovery and she's thrilled about the desert and what happens to a person there amidst the temporary city. Her daughter has been several times. Also there was a 25 year-old woman who may be one of the friendliest and best conversationalists I've ever known. She's super excited for me. They and everyone is helping me see that most of the nervousness and fear and guilt are the buying, the lists, the organizing. And I'm on the conservative side.

What everyone does say, is that it's a life changing experience. Opens you up whether you want it or notice it or not and I intend to meditate on opening, life, listening, to or for me. I'll also prove to myself that I can camp and thrive in harsh conditions, in close quarters. I'll strengthen and return with so many images and wispy thoughts that can form into words, eventually, whenever.

Be one with the dust. Embrace the dust. Just be. I dreamed I was hula-hooping, I want to do that and dance a lot.   I'll smudge the camp with sage, I have incense, a tiny bit of ganja, wine, vodka, enough food, snacks,juices, lots of personal cleaning stuff, etc.etc.

Time to get up and do something.
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For a great, realistic, articulate, funny, scary read about Burning Man from one of SF's best writers, take a look.

I can't see wanting to have sex out there, ok, maybe wanting, but the dirt, the dirt...I have seen lots of naked piercings in the most tenderest places, I've been to Folsom street fair, just not for a week...

Organizing, lists, packing, endless cycle. Few more things to pick up, including 16 gallons of water.

I'm so nervous I feel almost sick. I'm getting packed up, really getting down to the wire. What the hell am I doing?

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Inventory is adding up.
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One more week!  We leave the 30th.

I'm exhausted and depleted right now, spent the afternoon running from here to there. I got the coveted pee funnel, it's adorable. I had the livliest and funniest talk with my mom about it. She, like all women, loves the idea. I got some cord to lace through my daypack, like you'd lace a shoe. A friend told me that would be another area to stuff things in, like scarves, extra whatever. I'm not sure I like it, but I don't think it will hurt anything and now I got a bunch of good colorful cord. I also got those clip things, about 4 of them. I think the day pack is ready.

I got pretty wide cloth ribbon to sew into my straw hat so I can tie it under my chin. I got cheap work/garden gloves, safety pins, and a head lamp. I walked into a discount fabric store looking at fur material for my bike seat, but whoa! expensive. This week I'll go to the bike shop, see if they have soft covers. Even though I should be boycotting Target, I'll be there again, maybe there's something furry there I can covert, like a bath rug or something. I haven't been there in over a year, but for this, its unavoidable.

I discovered they don't carry the memory sticks for my Sony camera anymore, I'd have to order from Sony. No time for that. I have about 250 pictures on the card I have, there's one more place I can check, then I think I'll just take disposable cameras. They usually work pretty good.

Tomorrow night, P. and I going food shopping, get that started. I think I'm going to aim to be done buying stuff, end of day Thursday. Arrg. Will this every come together? It's pretty paradoxical, I'm not much of a shopper and one of the things BM is about is anti-consumerism, but you need a million things to get there. 10 million. I've shopped more in 2 weeks than I have in a year.

I better love it, cause I have a lot of stuff for next year. I guess it's a step forward from last year's Yosemite trip as far as the great outdoors goes. And the desert. I've never been to one, super psyched about that...
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Today I was compelled to buy and start my separate paper and pen Burning Man journal. I actually realized last night after our meeting that it was time to start journalling and it needs to be separate from my everyday paper journal, LJ, and my Burning Man blog. I can feel the energy coming over me. Big. Time.

I wonder if other writers have different journals for different times and events.

At Barnes and Noble, going through the Moleskine journals was intoxicating, I wanted every size and color. I settled on a reddish color, not my first choice, but it came in packs of three, about 6" by 4"; the lovely green, in packs of two, but slightly thicker. The red had more pages, same price. And then I got three pocket size, in gold/brown. That was a splurge. I haven't splurged much. There's just so much to take.

I have day & night boots, a few outfits, inventory "stuff" is growing. The clothes are fun because they're sexy, inappropriate anywhere else, a little slutty, fun, easy...

Still need bike lights, seat cover...

Big drugstore run.

Food, beverage, booze.
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I just returned from our Burning Man Confab with our new friend, K. who P. met last week at a Burning Man event.

We feel SO lucky! P. wanted to make sure he seemed OK and I give my big thumbs up approval. He loves BM, this will be his 8th one. He takes a cool little boat/car and zips around making a party in the car.

He has tons of gear and stuff. He has 2 huge shade structures that he'll pitch his 2 big tents under (one for him, one for his brother) and he's going to attach our little two person tent to the structure. Firmly grounded and in the shade.  There may be another couple in our group. He also rigs up a shower which is lovely, we'll contribute water to that. He brings grills and lanterns and tons of stuff. We'll bring him liquor and beer and mixers. He's going to take our bikes and tent and maybe our water cause he's renting a truck and go up Sunday night. We'll get there Monday towards the end of the day. He said he'd set up our tent.

This is really really good for us. I now have dates in my head, a tighter list, my clothes are coming together and I'm so excited. Getting in the car and on the road will really be a relief. The planning is insane!

I have quite a few things to pick up, money is an issue, but I'll do a little each day. I follow the lineage of the original burners-- thrift store, make it yourself, safety pins. I got so lucky hooking up with someone who has all the gear. Man.

P. and I will do some food shopping together.

In two weeks, I'll be sitting around camp, having a drink, watching the city grow. Unbelievable.
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Today I decided to just say, "I'm going camping in the desert, I'll pack what I  need, it will be amazing, it's no use getting so nervous about it all."

Then my friend from downstairs called to see how things were going and I said, "you know, I'm just going camping in the desert, there's no use getting so nervous about it all."

She laughed and said, "it is so much more than just camping in the desert."

Her daughter has been several times, but she hasn't. She said ,"you're going to a world that doesn't exist anywhere else that you've never experienced before."

"I know," I said and sighed. "It's like going to Mars with martians."

I ventured out on another little shopping spree. In TJ Maxx I found some cute pirate boots, they're flats, have a rubbery little tread, are comfy and frankly awesome. They were $40, they're Madden Girls, Steve Madden's lower price line I guess.  I think they'll do. I want to find another pair too. I tried on a bunch of stuff, shirts, skirts, but decided $12-$15 is too pricey, but did find a great little skirt for $7.

I've gathered everything in my closet in the corner so I can see what I have. The woman I'm going with bought me some type of black lingerie type bodice with beads and satin, I haven't seen it yet, she was in Reno for the week and went to a burner junk clothing store. Sounds good through.

She's writing a big piece about the event. The theme this year is Metropolis and she's going to write about it working as a model city or what parts of it do, what ideas could be used in Oakland (our mayor's theme has been Oakland as model city) and how all the artists that live in Oakland and go to burning man each year (and there are many) could contribute to a better Oakland. Or could they? She's very academic and I admire her ambition. Utopia or dystopia, I think that was her focus in school.

I plan to write about it too,but not with that kind of studiousness, more of a personal and spiritual level, of course.

I just found a photographer's site that has the most beautiful photos if anyone is interested.

The friend I spoke with this morning is going on a 3 month silent Buddhist retreat, a few days after I get back. She's trying to sublet her place and make plans. We're both feeling adventurous, nervous and overwhelmed and know the only thing to do is keep breathing and do a little everyday.

Meds update. It's been 2 weeks, the anti-depressants are supposed to take about 4 to kick in, I don't feel any different from them.  The anti-anxiety meds are nice, I sleep well, but they're not long lasting. Day by day.
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I like that I now get to plan with a friend. She's very cool, very smart, and open, I like that she's younger, I think she's 33.

We went through the swap meet row by row. I didn't see the guy with the cheap cute lingerie type tops. We did find $5 leggings, but didn't get any this trip. I got a bike lock for $7 that was $60 at REI. I bought us friendship rings at a stand that we both fell in love with. It had super big "cocktail" style rings. They were each $1. I love mine, she loves hers. I will go back for more. One of mine is a dome made up of different colored flowers, glass or something. The other is a big circle of something that looks like topaz ringed with diamond like stones. I found another big style ring made of wood at another vendor that I loved, but it was $7 and would be for this life, not burning man life. I'll probably get that on another trip.

I'm super excited that I finally, after a year of lusting for it, bought the extra wide sunhat that flows like waves and shades your whole upper body. The vendor was a sweetheart. I'd always seen them for $40, she offered $35 and only took $30. I dig the hat. I actually finally changed my FB picture to one of me in it. I just have to attach something to tie it on so it doesn't blow off.

I want to wear the rings and the hat everyday! THAT is one of the lures of Burning Man. You express yourself with your clothes or lack of, to what you really feel, there is no slutty, or cheap, or ridiculous. You wear exactly what you want-if you don't, I think you feel that you're not fully participating.

I wonder if I'll use the lingo of burners one day and call the playa, "home" and here, "the default world."

We spent a few hours there, walked home, I rested a bit then met my friends at Costco to see if it had some stuff on my list, like 2 gallon zip lock bags and certain toiletries. It didn't have the zip-locks, so I'll order them from Amazon or tonight. They did have a huge tub of Cottenelle flushable wipes which I snatched up. I didn't see anything else there that I really wanted so I'll go to normal stores for those things. I guess Costco is kind of hit or miss. I'd go crazy if I went there regularly.

I'm exhausted, but I feel like I was productive and am chipping away at the list. This week--shop around the university for a pair of cheap boots or two, Home depot for goggles, masks, nylon string; and more...

Next Friday we're meeting with our "camp-mate" to talk out our plans (and expectations). It sounds like this may be his week of free sex, we want to make sure he knows that we're cool but don't want to be part of his adventure in that way.

Now to chill, I'm loving the book I'm reading, The Three Weissmans of Westport. Then Mad Men. Huge changes this year. Camelot really did end, I'll say no more.
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I stayed up late last night making and refining my list for Burning Man. It helped steady me. I think I have a good game plan. Tomorrow with playa-mate will be fun, shopping at the swap meet and talking more, getting more used to everything.

Today I'm listless and antsy and anxious, strange combination. I desperately need to do yoga. I'm out of tune. I'm still in my robe, puttering around. There are bills and appeals to submit to my insurance, I put it off day after day. I don't know why. It seems difficult, insurmountable. These are the times I miss a spouse or an assistant, like craving ice cream at night.

I had a fun chat with my mum. I like the English term, mum.  It's interesting that she says things like Burning Man is right up my alley and understands the fear and nerves but that I'll push through cause it's my kind of experience, unstructured, unknown, creative, odd, etc. I like that she's trying to picture and understand it.

I'm going to read for a while and hopefully relax, then yoga, then walk to Whole Foods to research some stuff, get a little treat, but mainly to get some cash for the swap meet.
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I guess the Universe wanted me to go to Burning Man, cause I'm goin ta Burning Man! While I waited and did nothing, the stars aligned in my favor. I'm bursting!

I know my playa mate from the newsite, we met today and talked alot and we seem good together for this adventure. She has all the camping stuff which is great. Neither one of us wanted to go alone. She met a guy who has a great set-up and seems ok--we're going to camp next to each other. We're all meeting next week to discuss. He'll carry our bikes there.


I'm so excited and nervous! Butterflies are normal they say (in the stomach and everywhere else) for Birgins. New word I just learned.

After our meeting today, I went to REI and bought a day pack/sack vs. a small backpack. I also got a Platypus hydration thingamabob that fits right in. I worked with a great young sales guy who turned me on to the sack. It's lighter, I think I'll get tons of use from it. I've wanted a camelback type device forever but wasn't going to spend the money for just regular old hiking...

The next few weeks will be full of lists, errands, lists, errands, lists, errands...

Next on my list, extra large zip lock bags (Costco?), army combat boots (swap meet hopefully), goggles, mask or lots of bandannas...

And a pee funnel. Will any funnel do??? Like from the hardware store?

Then food planning, toiletries, gifts, etc. etc. etc.

This is a big deal for me because it's simply an extraordinary event in a beautiful harsh place that defies description although people do...Whatever it is, it is.
openscarf: (girl in grass statue)

Are we better people because we own the house and get big tax refunds; or because we put paint or metal or clay or words together in ways that touch others?  Does having and raising children make us fuller than those who don’t? Does earning a lot of money put us above those how don’t? Who are lonelier, people who live alone or couples who aren’t connecting?


I do a yoga practice with a guided Meta mediation and one of the instructions is to let go of neurotic achievements. I love that line so much.


True that most people are fighting personal battles that we’ll never know about. It pays to be nice. It pays to say less than what I think I should say.


these are just some thoughts I’ve been having.


But. Check. This. Out. I think I’m going to freakin Burning Man! A woman who writes for the site and I had a brief conversation and we may just be excellent playa mates. Wow, Wow, Wow.


I don’t remember if I had written that I was resigned to not going because I couldn’t rationalize spending all that money to get there alone. This is different.


We’ll be meeting very soon to chat.




openscarf: (Default)
I haven't wanted much to write about the holidays and how it all worked out for me.  I still believe telling my parents what happened to me was pointless except for my sister's threats.  My dad is unable to talk about it to me and I have no idea what he is thinking about it.  His behaviour to me was pretty much the way it always has been.  In turns insulting, apologetic, apathetic.  My mom tries very hard, but I honestly think while they were here and I was with them, that it was the farthest thing from their minds.  There was absolutely zero apprehension about staying in my place, in my neighborhood.  What it set up for me, was expectations that now that they knew, they'd be able to offer me something, but that wasn't true.  And I knew that, I KNEW THAT.  But, as I've written about ad nauseum, my hand was forced.  The family dynamic was pretty much the same for me and my parents.  It was hard, but at the end, we all agree it was good and fine and we appreciate the time and effor we all put into it.  Family I guess.

When I got to my sister's house on Christmas, the set up was awkward.  She was bustling around the kitchen.  The kitchen table where usually snacks are set up and people are sitting, was all ready set for dinner, for the overflow from the dining room.  The sunken family room had a football game on and seemed like a trap to just sit there.  After I said hi to everyone and stood there for a while, with no one offering to get drinks for anyone, I went outside.  The sun was shining, it was cool, but lovely.

Greg, a friend of theirs was out there and he glommed onto me.  He's a bit older, divorced, supposedly very wealthy, been retired for years. I've run into him over the years there.  He and his wife divorced about a year ago after he caught her in an affair that had been ongoing for almost 10 years.  My sister is still friends with her.  I remember talking to her about that and I couldn't get my head around it.  A dalliance is one thing, 10 years of lying is another, to me.  Greg had dated one of my sister's friends for almost a year, but they broke up amicably.

He was clearly flirting, I felt like a young chick.  He got me a drink, soon everyone was out there. My sister's husband's brothers were coming out as well, I hadn't seen the one brother since the night he came to the ER to help me.  None of them had seen me, so there were some sentiments expressed.  The one brother brought up me telling my parents and how he knew my sister wanted me to.  He didnt' get it.  I ended it by saying, it didn't help me to tell them and I've had to think and do what is best for me.

Greg talked and talked to me.  He took a lot of pictures.  I don't find him attractive, but he's interesting and we did have interesting conversation.  He left before desert for another engagement.   I wasn't too surprised when the next day, he emailed me pictures from the day and asked me out for the next weekend.  I wrote back and said I'd probably need the weekend to decompress, how about the following?  He said OK.  He wrote several times, sent more pictures, he had gone golfing with my dad and the brothers and sent some pics from that day. Each time he wrote, I wrote back cheerfully.

 In the middle of the next week he wrote and postponed but asked for the following weekend.  A friend of the family had foot surgery, his help was unavailable and Greg was the emergency support person.  My friends in relationships said this was a good sign. He was caring, he had a network, etc. I wrote back and said, sure, and asked how the rest of his holidays had gone.  He wrote and said they were quiet, he had helped his mom with her finances and done his tax planning.  Whatever, but he didn't ask anything I could answer.  Later in the week, he sent a chain mail with funny pictures and that's the last I heard from him.

I had thought a guy of his age and status wouldn't pull that crap so I was really surprised that he just dropped it cold like that.  I, in error, thought he'd have better manners, be more gallant, more of a hunter, etc.  I was actually a little nervous that I wasn't physically attracted to him at all, but wanted to seize my opportunities as they flowed in.  I'm now a very firm believer in the 'he's just not into you' theory.  If they want to go out with you, they will call.  I no longer want to write or call them and ask what happened.  Only took me 30 years for that one to sink in.

A guy that one of my work friends connected me with, just can't seem to ask me out.  Again, I wanted to honor the opportunity.  My friend has said he's really nice, not good looking, kind of weird.  But very nice.  We wrote a bit.  I had decided I'd meet him and just see, but he won't ask me.  At first he said, we should meet, on the street where he lives, where there are lots of places.  This was right before my hearing and I said I had too much going on.  I wrote him after the holidays and asked how his holidays were etc and yes we should get together.  He wrote back and said we should meet at, and named a place.  And I just didn't have it in me to write back and say, when is good for you, etc.  There is a reason these guys are single.  I'm not teaching anyone how to do anything anymore.  If you can't say, would you like to meet at blah blah blah on blah blah  or, Mondays and Thursdays are good for me, what's good for you?  Something!  Be men!

This same friend connected me with another of her friends a while ago and on the second email to me, in answer to a question I had asked to get a conversation going, said his idea of a perfect vacation day was a great breakfast, great sex and the pool or the beach.  I didn't write back and told my friend I had no idea how to answer that, it was so frat boy and I didn't think we had much in common.  Her boyfriend, who was this guy's brother supposedly said to him, your ideal vacation day, great sex?  That's your conversation opener?

Meanwhile, we have him now connected with a good friend of mine.  They have tons in common, mainly huge love of all sports, Irish, love of drinking.  He obvioulsy learned something from what his brother said and they had nice emails together, commonality and are meeting next week.  He asked her out nicely.  I hope it works out for them.

I'm laying low.  Not being a hermit, but I just need to get through the next week.  My hearing is a week from tomorrow.  I just want it done.  I'll probably take a sick day on Tuesday and then I think I'm free and clear for months.  I just want to keep my mind peaceful and positive.

Work is seemingly unbearable but I get through, because I keep choosing to be positive and light.  It often hits me with such force, that my job was stripped from me.  I have no say in anything.  It was not warranted.  People continue to leave for other jobs.  It's just a sad place to be, but bearable enough to get my paycheck and benefits as long as I can and need.  I still  devote time to looking and applying for jobs.  Willing and seeing the opportunites coming in.

What makes me feel good?  My friends and their values, my values, food and recipes, I'm getting more and more into whole foods, cooking, nurturing.  Making efforts everyday to stay in touch, reach out, be social, be helpful and pleasant.  Yoga.  Yoga.  Yoga. Tarot. Books.  I'm having a couple friends over next Saturday, it will be awesome to cook for them.

I bought our tickets to Burning Man on Wednesday.  That's an adventure waiting to happen.  That's my vacation.  What excites me about it is the idea that you're completely free to be who you want to be, who you've always wanted to be.  You can dance and dance and dance.  The art will be mind blowing, hot/cold desert, up all night, clothing optional, an alternate world. Getting the tickets was a step towards the unknown, challenging, alternative adventures that I want, the leap, the fool.
openscarf: (Default)
At this point, I think most of us have heard of 6 word stories/memoirs; I love hearing them.  I listened to a podcast at work today discussing the latest and how they are helpful writing prompts and even theraputic.  I was feeling really emotional today, I don't know if it's because I hate my job so much and at the same time fear being fired, my hearing is coming up in 10 days, or not much happening on the job seeking front--probably all of the above.  So I went the theraputic route and wrote:

I do not really work here.

And you know what?  I did feel better!  It's a really good tool.

Today was also the big day to buy tickets for Burning Man, they went on sale at 10am online.  I was totally prepared, but wasn't able to get on until about 10:06.  At that point there were 6100 people ahead of me!  I think it went pretty fast through.  By noon, I had bought 2 tickets.  Missed the first tier, but got the second for $240.  My friend was out of the office at a seminar so it was all on me.  I'm excited, but it's so far away I can't really feel it yet.  We still have much to do, find the community we want to join, decide what we will contribute, etc.  We have some ideas, but again, so far off.


openscarf: (Default)

October 2011

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