openscarf: (Moody eye)
I'm so up and down lately. I believe it's all job related or lack of job related. I've had nibbles the last few days which is encouraging and I'm about to go on vacation anyway, but still...

I did no yoga, no crunches, no dance today but did walk to the post office and mailed a dress I sold on ebay, then to Trader Joe's and Walgreens for stuff and then home. But then I took a long nap. I guess stress will do that to you. And what's wrong with sleeping I ask myself? I'm not lazy, I stay busy all day, it's exhausting. I'm stressed, I accept it.

Seeing my friend tomorrow, the best thing that happened at my last job, I made a true beautiful friend.

This afternoon I practiced gluing crystal jewels on my eyelids, looked great, very tricky to apply. I need to examine more types of eyelash glue. The one I got had no applicator, I used an old but never used small eye make-up brush.

I got a lot of work done on my clothes this week. Glued flat back rhinestones and blue & green seaglass on my black cami, they look good. My theme is ocean,waves, seaweed with blooms, sun rays. I want to add more to it and think I'm going to cut away a section of the part under the bra cups and sew in another piece of material, part of an old scarf or something. Still thinking.

I added two eye-let thing-a-ma-bobs to a skirt I love that I wore last year so I can tie it at my hip a little tighter. That was so easy to do,  I want to add them to everything.

The pink slip-gown has been punked up big time. It was long, with a handkerchief type hem, but now is short.  I sort of chopped it up and re-assembled it, I used fabric glue on it because the silk was too hard to sew. It's part silk, velvet trim and burnt velvet. The glued part is a little stiff, but I'm hoping to lightly iron it when it's done or soak it, not sure though, cause glue may lose some power, will research that.

The back of this work-in-progress is still up for grabs. I evened it out by cutting but need to do something to it. I have some light brown suede I may attach, just to the back. I could sew that. I could make it a little fringe as well. I don't know. I'm thinking.

I learned you can stretch clothing that you accidentally shrunk by soaking the garment in fabric softener or hair conditioner than laying it out flat slightly stretching it. I used clothes pins on two towels then ironed it. I did it twice. The little dress that got too short is back to a non-prostitute length in front, just short. I love the internet.

My two solar lanterns came today. I adore them. I'm going to use them in the house at night. I wish I could solar everything. I'm learning more about it. Two of the women coming to BM are bringing a lot of solar powered stuff. Beats kerosene.

I'm reading the last Harry Potter book - DON'T TELL ME HOW IT ENDS! It's a joy, I mean really.

I bought a lot of incense and sage today, most of it for burning man but am basking in the sweet curling smoke carrying my dreams to the universe for manifestation.


Namaste Dreamwidth friends
openscarf: (Default)
Wisconsin, Michigan, Japan, radiation, earthquake survival kits (suitcases), the spiraling down of the USA, it's overwhelming.  I am astonished at what's going on here in this country, barely making the "news." 

I know I'll leave California in at least a few years, there's no getting ahead here. That thought has been in the universe for a while now.

And in another amount of years, I think I could be happy in another country. I'm hearing great things about Australia and New Zealand. Or even Panama.

Events seem to be happening rapidly. I can't figure out what the neocons are up to.
openscarf: (Default)
I'm really craving some alone time with my laptop. I can't go online where I'm working, I email and FB with my phone and read a little during down times, but not enough. I want to read stuff.  I miss writing too.

Weather forecast:   rain, wind, hail and cold, all week.  Really cold, lots of rain, of course lots of snow in the mountains and reaching the lower elevations. Our hills are green velvet.  It's so nice to be home, it's so nice that it's Friday.

I think my therapist is gently giving me the boot.  I guess that's an accomplishment. Apparently I'm utilizing my resources very well; staying grounded with lots of body work-yoga, belly dance and walking; spiritual practice, I'm in the world and dealing with everyday stressors.  I hadn't seen her since summer and made two appointments to check in and looks like I'm functioning well. Yay me.

Working with the social workers is very up and down, it's a fairly tense atmosphere at times. There are about 10 full-timers, half are middle aged, half are young. . Of course the middle aged ones are more experienced, more jaded and seem to have a stronger work ethic than the younger ones who seem to slide a bit and act overly important, from what I hear and sort of gather. I really like a few of the older ones, very cool people.

The manager favors the younger ones, say the older ones. The younger ones who are all friends, do not talk to me or the older ones. The person I'm filling in for, left in a big hurry I think, after some sort of huge confrontation with the manager. The manager can be very tense and angry and also pleasant and friendly. She's very overworked, managing staffs at two different hospitals. There are several union members being interviewed for my position in a couple of weeks. They have to be hired unless there's some huge red flag on them.

I'll probably be there until almost the end of March unless a better gig comes along before then, there is one I'm tracking that another agency has submitted me for.  I'm hoping this better and permanent gig comes along fast, in three months my Cobra costs skyrocket, I'll have to buy some huge deductible policy. I'm  trying to get everything done before that. Our gov't is awesome. 

I'm also really tired of the commute even though by normal commute standards it's nothing. But I've learned how much money can be saved when I walk to work.  Besides where I'm working now, the parking lot is ten minutes of walking away. When I walk in my door after 30 to 45 minutes in the car, I feel very low energy and blah. When I walk in my door, after walking home with people and nature, I feel so energized.

Reconnecting with my exboyfriend, who is still drinking has been very emotional and a real heart opener. I didn't realize I had him locked up in a tight little box in my brain. I let him out. I want to stay in touch and also keep my distance, he does too. He knows the drinking prevents anything more. I definitely do.

But communicating after 15 other worldly, like past and present shifting before my eyes. Some peace has all ready been made and I feel a huge amount of gratitude that he is still an actual presence in my life. I can literally feel my heart melting and spreading and I cry easily after reading an email or thinking about him. It's also very sad because there's not much more we can do besides talk and write as long as he's where he is. It's an interesting dimension. I feel like I could paint it better than I can describe it, it's very absorbing to me.

So many new people, new things to learn, gov't in complete chaos, a feeling of constantly being new which I welcome and embrace, newness and change, and dreams and communicating. The world is so small!
openscarf: (Default)

Work unpredictablility continues.  A really good friend got promoted, I'm super happy for her.  A woman who has been here a long long time and has consistently received yearly feedback that she is hard to work with and has anger issues, got promoted.  A guy who's been here about 8 years, who receives a promotion about every 2 or 3 years (seems normal, I know, but not here) got promoted.  It depends entirely on what department you're in and who you report too.

This morning I battled feelings of inferiority, uselessness, and the the vision of the mountain of unprofessional decisions I made through the years.  I never had a career path, I've had so many different jobs and I didn't pursue my passion, not sure what that really was.  I wanted to write, but was turned off by journalism, I think the reality was I didn't know how to get into it.; I was definitely turned off by the advertising PR world when I interned in an office once.  I didn't know how to pursue anything like that.  So I went into social work, restaurant management, real estate appraising, gym sales, retail management.  Great path!  Once I moved to CA, I stuck with what I'm doing now.  I was definitely a gypsy, I never worried about the next job, I liked being free from the rat race.  Not so great now.  I feel old, as younger people get promoted.

I feel better now, I keep telling myself, I'm the same person I was before the promotions were announced, I have a sure sense of myself and what I want and how I'd still like to be out of the corporate rat race and am working towards that goal.  It's a big world and I want to travel.  My debts will be paid in a few years, I can earn less, I won't have to work constantly...I have to keep my dreams alive.  I have a lot and I can read that is inspiring about people who do lead different types of lives who aren't chained to the 40 hour work force their whole lives.  Must stay positive.

I'm still at work waiting on my IT friend to finish installing something on a VP's laptop, of course that request came in at 5pm on Friday.  That's just not nice.  We're going to get a drink and gossip and laugh.

This weekend, I am plunging in with renewed vigor on the job search, contacts, etc.  Put actions out there so there will be returns.  Meditate, eat good (Iall the edible leftovers are finally finished, as I did a number on the lasagna last night).

I was supposed to have a date with someone this weekend but he had to postpone due to a family friend emergency that he is on call to help care for.  Will write about all that later.  Should be possible next weekend.  I'm just trying extremely hard not to say no. 


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