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I haven't wanted much to write about the holidays and how it all worked out for me.  I still believe telling my parents what happened to me was pointless except for my sister's threats.  My dad is unable to talk about it to me and I have no idea what he is thinking about it.  His behaviour to me was pretty much the way it always has been.  In turns insulting, apologetic, apathetic.  My mom tries very hard, but I honestly think while they were here and I was with them, that it was the farthest thing from their minds.  There was absolutely zero apprehension about staying in my place, in my neighborhood.  What it set up for me, was expectations that now that they knew, they'd be able to offer me something, but that wasn't true.  And I knew that, I KNEW THAT.  But, as I've written about ad nauseum, my hand was forced.  The family dynamic was pretty much the same for me and my parents.  It was hard, but at the end, we all agree it was good and fine and we appreciate the time and effor we all put into it.  Family I guess.

When I got to my sister's house on Christmas, the set up was awkward.  She was bustling around the kitchen.  The kitchen table where usually snacks are set up and people are sitting, was all ready set for dinner, for the overflow from the dining room.  The sunken family room had a football game on and seemed like a trap to just sit there.  After I said hi to everyone and stood there for a while, with no one offering to get drinks for anyone, I went outside.  The sun was shining, it was cool, but lovely.

Greg, a friend of theirs was out there and he glommed onto me.  He's a bit older, divorced, supposedly very wealthy, been retired for years. I've run into him over the years there.  He and his wife divorced about a year ago after he caught her in an affair that had been ongoing for almost 10 years.  My sister is still friends with her.  I remember talking to her about that and I couldn't get my head around it.  A dalliance is one thing, 10 years of lying is another, to me.  Greg had dated one of my sister's friends for almost a year, but they broke up amicably.

He was clearly flirting, I felt like a young chick.  He got me a drink, soon everyone was out there. My sister's husband's brothers were coming out as well, I hadn't seen the one brother since the night he came to the ER to help me.  None of them had seen me, so there were some sentiments expressed.  The one brother brought up me telling my parents and how he knew my sister wanted me to.  He didnt' get it.  I ended it by saying, it didn't help me to tell them and I've had to think and do what is best for me.

Greg talked and talked to me.  He took a lot of pictures.  I don't find him attractive, but he's interesting and we did have interesting conversation.  He left before desert for another engagement.   I wasn't too surprised when the next day, he emailed me pictures from the day and asked me out for the next weekend.  I wrote back and said I'd probably need the weekend to decompress, how about the following?  He said OK.  He wrote several times, sent more pictures, he had gone golfing with my dad and the brothers and sent some pics from that day. Each time he wrote, I wrote back cheerfully.

 In the middle of the next week he wrote and postponed but asked for the following weekend.  A friend of the family had foot surgery, his help was unavailable and Greg was the emergency support person.  My friends in relationships said this was a good sign. He was caring, he had a network, etc. I wrote back and said, sure, and asked how the rest of his holidays had gone.  He wrote and said they were quiet, he had helped his mom with her finances and done his tax planning.  Whatever, but he didn't ask anything I could answer.  Later in the week, he sent a chain mail with funny pictures and that's the last I heard from him.

I had thought a guy of his age and status wouldn't pull that crap so I was really surprised that he just dropped it cold like that.  I, in error, thought he'd have better manners, be more gallant, more of a hunter, etc.  I was actually a little nervous that I wasn't physically attracted to him at all, but wanted to seize my opportunities as they flowed in.  I'm now a very firm believer in the 'he's just not into you' theory.  If they want to go out with you, they will call.  I no longer want to write or call them and ask what happened.  Only took me 30 years for that one to sink in.

A guy that one of my work friends connected me with, just can't seem to ask me out.  Again, I wanted to honor the opportunity.  My friend has said he's really nice, not good looking, kind of weird.  But very nice.  We wrote a bit.  I had decided I'd meet him and just see, but he won't ask me.  At first he said, we should meet, on the street where he lives, where there are lots of places.  This was right before my hearing and I said I had too much going on.  I wrote him after the holidays and asked how his holidays were etc and yes we should get together.  He wrote back and said we should meet at, and named a place.  And I just didn't have it in me to write back and say, when is good for you, etc.  There is a reason these guys are single.  I'm not teaching anyone how to do anything anymore.  If you can't say, would you like to meet at blah blah blah on blah blah  or, Mondays and Thursdays are good for me, what's good for you?  Something!  Be men!

This same friend connected me with another of her friends a while ago and on the second email to me, in answer to a question I had asked to get a conversation going, said his idea of a perfect vacation day was a great breakfast, great sex and the pool or the beach.  I didn't write back and told my friend I had no idea how to answer that, it was so frat boy and I didn't think we had much in common.  Her boyfriend, who was this guy's brother supposedly said to him, your ideal vacation day, great sex?  That's your conversation opener?

Meanwhile, we have him now connected with a good friend of mine.  They have tons in common, mainly huge love of all sports, Irish, love of drinking.  He obvioulsy learned something from what his brother said and they had nice emails together, commonality and are meeting next week.  He asked her out nicely.  I hope it works out for them.

I'm laying low.  Not being a hermit, but I just need to get through the next week.  My hearing is a week from tomorrow.  I just want it done.  I'll probably take a sick day on Tuesday and then I think I'm free and clear for months.  I just want to keep my mind peaceful and positive.

Work is seemingly unbearable but I get through, because I keep choosing to be positive and light.  It often hits me with such force, that my job was stripped from me.  I have no say in anything.  It was not warranted.  People continue to leave for other jobs.  It's just a sad place to be, but bearable enough to get my paycheck and benefits as long as I can and need.  I still  devote time to looking and applying for jobs.  Willing and seeing the opportunites coming in.

What makes me feel good?  My friends and their values, my values, food and recipes, I'm getting more and more into whole foods, cooking, nurturing.  Making efforts everyday to stay in touch, reach out, be social, be helpful and pleasant.  Yoga.  Yoga.  Yoga. Tarot. Books.  I'm having a couple friends over next Saturday, it will be awesome to cook for them.

I bought our tickets to Burning Man on Wednesday.  That's an adventure waiting to happen.  That's my vacation.  What excites me about it is the idea that you're completely free to be who you want to be, who you've always wanted to be.  You can dance and dance and dance.  The art will be mind blowing, hot/cold desert, up all night, clothing optional, an alternate world. Getting the tickets was a step towards the unknown, challenging, alternative adventures that I want, the leap, the fool.

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October 2011

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