openscarf: (mardi gras)

Last night I met some friends at a place that was celebrating Mardi Gras. One of the couples are friends of my sister and her husband, that I met years and years ago. We get along great and there’s another woman in the group that I really like to, she’s actually the one that called. It was so fun. There were tons of people out; it was really festive. I had 2 big strong hurricane drinks and half a jello shot that appeared and we danced and danced.  I was hungover today and felt almost guilty that I could sleep in, loll around, eat hangover food and read all day. Sweeeeeeeet!

The woman half of the couple wanted to be sure I knew that my sister meant well and loved me, blah blah regarding everything that had gone down. I found myself talking about that more than I wanted to with her, although she gets what I was saying, as my sister’s friend too, she wanted to help, which I understand. She also confessed that she is more like me than my sister, which I know as well. It continued on a little in today’s follow up email saying what a good time we all had. 

Here I was explaining myself again, I felt compelled to make myself understood, that this happened to me, it affected others, but it happened to me, I think that barely sinks in to some people. I know it was hard for them; they could have gotten therapy as well. I can’t, at this point, work on getting better and past this and help them too. 

I don’t even tell people the specific things she said to me that were so uncalled for, from day one. I don’t tell them how the anxiety I was experiencing from my conversations with her was making me physically and emotionally ill. I told my sister, though as it was happening.

 It bothers me that some people are still expecting something from me in this area. To say, ok, I understand, its ok you meant well? I know she did, I’m not an idiot. Her approach sucked and it damaged me and now it is what it is.

 It actually is ok, because it’s in the past, my parents know, she’s forgiven, I stay in touch. She’s my sister, I love her, and I know she loves me. That’s all fine. It’s in the past for me, but there are consequences to how she was with me. I’m still uncomfortable knowing what I know about her now, how she was with me those months when I was at my weakest and not in my right mind. I’m not ready to hang out and act as if nothing went down. I expect as more time goes by, the trial is over and everything blurs, things will get easier for me, but now, they’re not.

Yet people expect me to do something, fix it.  How have I fucked up? I don’t understand what people think I have done. I had to get better, I wanted to get better. I had to build my confidence up again.   I have to keep myself from sinking down too far as the legal stuff drones on. She said to me, “that’s just the way I am”, so that means I have to right something because she’s immoveable? 

I wouldn’t mind hearing what you guys think, but I beg you be gentle with me if you think I owe her something here. I want to have an open mind.


openscarf: (sleepy)
Yesterday morning I got my teeth pulled and a bone graft. The whole experience left me figuratively and literally queasy. Is it because of insurance costs that when they knock you out for a procedure that takes less than an hour, you don't get to recover and come back gently for an hour or two in the office? I don't remember leaving the office. I do remember my friend sitting me on the stairs while she parked the car and then I guess she walked me up here. I was very nauseous for the rest of the day and night which was worse than the pain of the stitches. It seems like a very inhumane way to treat people. The dental assistant did call me about an hour after I was home and was helpful, but to be completely out of control, blacked out and walking around is horrifying to me. I just emailed my friend a thank you and an explanation, I sort of cringe wondering how I was to get home. It's kind of like trying to recall just exactly what happened after a night of a whole lotta drinking and not being able to fill in the details, you keep telling yourself it can't be that bad, but you don't know until you check in with all your friends who were there. You never get the whole picture thought. I don't miss those days!

I have a horrible hangover from the drugs and think I can get by with regular ibuprofen for the most part. My face is swollen and my mouth is crooked, but not too bad.

This morning I spoke with my mom who is trying so hard but we kind of got into it over my sister. She said something like, she's sorry I feel that way about her, she is a caring person, etc. She even said something how she didn't see the controlling side of sis. I kind of laughed. The older she gets, the simpler things get. I said, well that's you, the rest of the family sees it.

How do you explain all that to your mom? I can't tell her everything sis said to me, but I told her a couple of things and I mainly just said, it's wrong to constantly tell another person what they should do, it's disrespectful, she never was able to understand my state of mind. I also said I didn't want to be in this position of defending and explain this, but now I have to because of the earlier than I wanted, telling. I guess sis told my dad that she wanted me to move from Oakland cause it's so dangerous. I said that's the exact thing I didn't want to happen. If dad wants to talk to me about the situation, he can, but please do not talk to sis, because she is the person who knows the least about what happened, the least about where I live and the least about me. Sure my parents said they want to stay with me, but they have elder sister telling them how dangerous it is where I live. I can picture my dad absorbing this and bringing it up to me when he's here. I told my mom this and said, he cannot do that while he's here. My mom said something about it being awkward when they were here in CA and if they'd see me much and I said it would be awkward when I was at sis's house at Christmas but that's the way it was. I said these visits were always planned by sis, there have always been awkward times, like when I've gone places with them in the past, she won't pick me up, she makes me meet them there or drive to her place even as she passes my way, etc. Mom just conveniently forgets. And the Yosemite thing 2 years ago....grrrr.

On a better note... I find the movies I "discover" on regular tv take on a spiritual significance as if I'm meant to see this movie at this exact moment and I am reminded or learn anew some of the truths the director was aiming for. (makes it more fun). Last night was a very long night and what do I find, but Thelma and Louise. Oh lovely beautiful oracles beaming at me at 3am. Plus it's a visually stunning film. I found a tiny clip of the lines I love best, I wish it started a little earlier, but that's ok.

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openscarf

October 2011

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