openscarf: (Default)
Empty hangers everywhere! I keep shuffling them from closet to closet, some hang, some live on the floor. I think I went from about 10 to 45. 45 empty hangars! Who took my clothes? I have no clothes!

I wrote something this morning about accepting autumn's arrival:  I've kissed summer good bye until we meet again and I welcome autumn! I look forward to the trees dressing in their flamboyant finery then shaking it all loose in the rain and the wind.

Maybe it was the picture of the trees in their gorgeous fall wardrobes, their finest costumes and the long dances they'll perform in the winter storms.

I heard voices:  I need clothes. Now. Today.

It's been years since I shopped for more than one article of clothing and that was usually at thrift stores. So today, I went shopping!

TJ Maxx and Old Navy, nothing extravagant. But I got some awesome buys on 2 dresses from Max Studio, one of my favorite stores, ($29 and $36 from $118), a pretty top to go out in, a fabulous pair of shoes that I just wanted, 5, yes five bras, 3 t-shirts, a warm surprisingly nice and fitted fleece type jacket, like a snug pea coat,  and a super cheap pair of cute earrings.  And I feel great about it. Everything is washed and drying.

I threw out my old bras, and stuffed some shirts that were still hanging yet I never wore into a bag for later donating.

I made some calls regarding the harassment at the last job and finally got to a top person at the temp agency who hadn't heard the story. I promptly received a call from my new recruiter. We'll see what happens there.

Tomorrow in NY will be a huge protest. I'll be in San Francisco doing my thing. Every body counts.

openscarf: (Default)
I like, possibly love getting up early, for no reason. I'd like to have a reason, still on the job hunt. I can barely believe I haven't worked all month.

My bedroom window faces east which will now be a deal-breaker when finding places to live. I have a nice view of the Oakland hills and love watching the sky lighten gradually, from black night and twinkling lights and stars fading to deep blue, lit from behind as the sun rises. I can see the strip of light, usually pinkish as it rises over the hills. The pink is the least of it. I love the slow fade.

The job thing, geez. Fuck! I apply to several ads a week, when they're connected to a temp agency it's usually what I like to call a fake job. I humiliated myself and called the place I interviewed with several weeks ago. I noticed when I was there the guy was not very socially talented. I was very pleasant, asked if they were still looking, he said they were still recruiting. And because I couldn't think of what to say next I said something like, am I still in the running?

Brilliant. Obviously, no.

I went dancing last night again, I liked the music better than last week, it was a lot of mash-ups and had a more gothic, darker, sanctuary feel to it.  I felt really great. Into the 2nd hour, the contact dancers began getting to me and distracting me. They're amazing to watch, they do like a reiki type dance, almost touching, but not, winding around each other, then there are lifts, it's really cool. A lot of them do this. It's extremely sensual. Watching the dance floor, makes me feel like I'm on another planet watching people dance. Any movement will do. Some people stay on the floor the whole time. Others are jumping all over the place. So, towards the end, it's kind of hard to find a spot and focus inward. I found myself getting annoyed and also laughing at myself getting annoyed.

And then I got plowed into by 3 guys doing some complicated contact dancing and I felt like I went flying, I kind of rolled over another woman who had been dancing low, but I sort of brought her down. We were both laying on our backs and we looked at each other and held each other's hands, laughing, asking are you all right? Sorry, etc. She said she was happy to cushion my fall. This morning I realize I broke my fall on my right hip, ouch and then rolled to my tailbone. ouch.

After that I did some yoga, sat, then left, it was almost over anyway. I still like it.

About Occupy Wall Street.   I am passionate about it, what is happening and that so many are communicating. That's the beauty of FB. We are the media. Those in NY are there for us, all of us.  I want to be in NY. There is something happening in San Francisco today,  I'm fairly certain I'll be there.

Apparently the Tampa Bay Rays did something extraordinary last night, so I'm actually going to read up on that. I like sports as pop culture.

night to day )
openscarf: (pissed)
I work with an asshole. It's gone on for too long. He's not a supervisor or even a lead but he gets away with creating a hostile atmosphere because no one takes it up with the real boss. Except me. My friend is the other one he abused verbally and by facial expressions and all actions. We're both small with dark hair and older than him, not impressed by him, not scared of him.  Everyone in my area was aware he was treating me like crap-the other temps im'ed each other about it. But it was accepted. I asked myself, why am I here again? I've done nothing to this guy, am I up against my karma and once I solve this situation I'm done?

After a few weeks, 2 in my group urged me to talk to the real boss, which I did. My attitude was light but serious, like what is this guy's problem, it's not acceptable. Boss agreed, said he'd try to be out in our area more, there would be no repercussions, he seemed surprised it had gone on from day 1. He said he would talk to the asshole and check back with me in a couple weeks.

The situation got a little better and when asshole started up, I just kept giving it right back to him. But I don't want to have to do this. I don't want to have to defend and fight. It triggers me up and I get very agitated when it's done and sometimes emotional. Sometimes I can be funny about it. Not today; it happened again, he was completely out of line and one of my friends im'ed me and said, basically time to tell the boss again.

This is the kind of stress that runs through my body  is the kind that can make a person very sick, all that fight/flight adrenaline pumping and then leaving, it's exhausting, draining and unnecessary. I don't want this in my life. I guess I'm still naive, I don't get why  this guy gets away with it.

So, I realize going to the boss again with this kind of crap is dicey. Boss doesn't want to hear this shit. And this time I'm going to use the words "hostile environment' and 'harassment.' We're at quarter-end close so he's extremely busy. I emailed him and he said this or next week, which is exactly what I suggested in my email. I'm scrawling notes for everything that happens from today on. Plus there are witnesses.

I'm "just' a temp there. I have the highest numbers, great accuracy, experience etc, fun attitude, get along with everyone. So, I'm literally at the point where I'm asking myself, do I quit and try for another job with the agency?  (I tried to talk to my recruiter, she's very young and didn't get it at all, they have a million people they can put in the job) Is the boss going to let me go? Is the situation going to change? I can't afford to not work. I don't expect answers to these questions, they are just what I'm pondering. If I find myself not working there, I will contact their HR department asap  and tell them everything that has happened.

We are going to ask for a meeting and find out from our real boss what exactly we should be doing instead of this asshole guy changing things up everyday, trying to grab power, have some authority, but he's not our boss. Oh and he's having a thing with a woman there and everyone knows about it.

Blerg. I really hope your days were much better.
openscarf: (Default)
The manager in Trader Joe's wondered if our recently extremely short summers are due to the earth's shift on its axis. Has it shifted I asked? He laughed and said he read it but has noticed in the last few years how few warm days we have here and how much later they come.  I agreed and then he said, who knows, maybe we'll end up on Mars. I laughed and said or maybe we'll stay here and the governments will implode and we'll start from scratch. I think we both were enjoying that fantasy. Like Mad Max days.

Which brings me right into what I've been doing the last few weekends among other things, planning and creating my Burning Man wardrobe.I love doing this part. I dyed the hot little bustier I got at the thrift store. I used an acid dye,the color is called tobacco leaf, a brownish, greenish, peachy color, but for whatever reason the instant I put it in the pot it was a deep zinfandel red. I left it in the maximum time but it's a deep beautiful red.The paper towels were a leafy color though. The red is pretty, very saturated and deep, but not for BM.  I'm going 'over-dye' it in an espresso brown and see how that turns out. Next weekend.

I have two more white items I'm going to dye, the one I bought today, at full price! I think the tobacco leaf will work on it, there's some fabric on the inside seam I can test it on. Hopefully I get the green-brown I want.
More!! )

On to lighter and brighter thoughts. A beautiful day, well spent, good neighbors, warm hearts out there and my babies of course (my kittahs!) Oh and I bought a ring ($3) looks like much more, of an elephant head with a few tiny jewels, like Ganesh, it totally and completely rocks.
openscarf: (Default)
I remember Diana and Charles wedding because it was shortly after mine and I felt a kinship with her. Go figure. I didn't marry a rich prince who didn't love me, but we were close in age and newly married.  This wedding today did nothing for me. I know a few people who got up early to watch it on TV, I had no desire. Another friend and her friends had a party and dressed up. They dress up every week for some theme, like An Affair to Remember or this wedding and then post the photos on FB. Can you say overkill? I can and will and am.

The tornadoes this past week were almost impossible to imagine. The picture in the NY Times of that huge mushroom shaped black monster of wind and destruction was mesmerizingly horrific, like a car wreck. I couldn't watch all the videos. A good friend of mine is from Mississippi and Alabama and knows hundreds of people affected or nearly affected, who are apparently ok, but wow! What a swath of  destruction! What does that teach us? I'm not sure the people who lost homes and loved ones can answer that. But the rest of us are reminded that each day, each moment matters. With every step, we have arrived. I believe that with all my heart.

And life goes on, the animals gather their wits and begin their days, trees and flowers grow, people struggle to adapt, others feel blessed and guilty and the new reality settles in.

Spring is exploding here, cool nights, sunny days, breezy, flowers, flowers and flowers, pollen, and I love the sneezing. Why not? I felt like rolling around on the ground today, the street, sidewalk or grass, it didn't matter which, I wanted to roll around on the ground. People are laying in the grass everywhere like we're in London or something. More specifically I wanted to roll around and laugh with someone special. I've had a lot of fun the past few weeks, but things are quieter now. Too quiet. But. It's Spring. And that's the fever.

My garden grows. Little tiny dill sprouts came up. They're so thin, they were in the bathroom with the orchids, I did nothing special for them, no diy green house. I moved them out to my dining room table which is now my indoor garden, it gets flooded with light every late afternoon. The hot peppers plants are becoming more sturdy, the oregano is doing nothing, the garlic plants are doing great. I'm waiting for the nights to stay closer to 50 degrees than 40 to move the stronger ones outside on the fire escape. There, I'm waiting eagerly for the forget-me-nots to push up.

I learned today that the department I'm temping in will be outsourced in July of 2012. It's not a surprise I just didn't know when. I keep reminding myself that I'm just a temp there, I feel worse for the permanent people. It's a good reminder to get my resume updated and back on the sites. I have no idea how long I'll be there. I am stressed about work and money, money and work, I just try to let it flow out.

Today when I got home, I got all comfy on the sofa with my laptop and phone. I keep looking at the apartments in Taos and Santa Fe, they are so cute and so so SO much cheaper than here. Adobe style, different flooring, I think part of me is all ready there!  I don't see a lot of jobs listed. It will happen though, I'm waiting for the plan because the intention is set.

Lake Merritt ducks watching the morning's activities-

openscarf: (happy)
Well, I didn't write last night, lost all my juice after speaking to a very nice woman from the IRS helping me set up my payment plan. The fact that my meager (to them) huge (to me) tax bill goes to defense galls me. And that is why people want to leave here, that and the challenge of health care if not permanently employed.

My friends recommended a new show to me, Doc Marten, which I loved, I watched that then fell asleep. So be it.

Another day. I find myself wanting to write more in here despite or in spite of the fact that it's just sort of my journal and a lot of my friends left or have issues with LJ or just are not interested in my musings. It reminds me of starting fresh with it. If feels like a personal blog instead of community of fellow diary writers. At this moment I'm fine with it. I'm interested to see what evolves if I stick with it, like the long long term LJ'ers and see if new friends appear.

I envy my friends who get rollicking conversations going on their posts and I think you know who I'm talking about, you. ;-) But then again, I like this public/private writing for now.

To the day! I supposedly get a new computer today after 2 months of working with one that is half broken, painfully slow and has caused much frustration. My immediate supervisor, I cannot figure him out. He treats women as a second class, some say it's his culture. A guy who came after me got a computer right out of "storage." For some reason I have been waiting on a rebuilt one. Yesterday I gave up my good naturedness and let my frustration show and out. My friend thought I should have done it in private, but there is no private there.It's cube land.  When I go to his desk, he ignores me or blows me off. And she had a public thing with him just weeks ago. Mine was quiet and honest. I came to this place to work. This is a HUGE international company. The fact that I was put off for 2 monthis is something I just have to accept. That new freakin computer better be there today. Otherwise I'm going to look as if I'm not producing or able to do new things since nothing opens properly.

Oh well. Sun for days forecasted!
openscarf: (Default)
I'm trying to fight the urge to come home from work and bundle under the sofa with the clicker and a book. So, a post.

At work, there's a guy I went out with on one date. I knew he worked there, but I thought he was at another office, near where we met. The meeting was strange, we were different. He thought I was a little urban and progressive for him. I thought he was interesting and kind of handsome, even though he was conservative. I remember him being awkward as hell and I think he was trying to get out of the first meeting but I texted him on the day to push it.  He lied about the town he was from so he could meet what he perceived of as better people. That was stunning to me. We decided to meet again, we texted when we got home and then he cancelled in an email. That may have been my last internet date.

I was surprised to see him at work and was shocked to see he's gained a lot of weight. I don't know if he recognized me, but I sure did him. The energy of all that kept him coming around to my part of the office, us running into each other, or at least being in the breakroom at the same time. I think we're just pretending at this point. I think he likes what he sees. I try not to laugh and am playing it oh-so-cool. It's fun.

I was filling up my water yesterday, quietly, and he was at the sink washing strawberries. He asked me if I wanted a big beautiful fresh strawberry.  Yes, of course, thank you, I said. Where's the chocolate? He pretended to look in the fridge.  Sex-ay me thinks.

I want to worry about money so I'm trying not to. I want to be lazy but I'm going to put in my belly dancing dvd and start learning an actual dance.

That's about all I got for now.
openscarf: (Default)
This and that.

My first three days of work are behind me. I'm learning the system they use and it's ok. What I find odd is that the training is done by just one guy, the manager or supervisor. It's an awkward way to learn because I can't ask the other people there questions, it's all on him. I'm using his log-in, I still don't have one. One of the women there, told me she had to use his log-in for 3 months. When the system times out, I have to have him log me in. I don't like going to him with every question and I spend a lot of time trying to figure things out myself.  I'm getting a little stressed, I think I should have it down and be faster by now. It's quite different than the last one I used. At the same time I'm working on  letting it role over me and not stick to me.

I'm getting a lot of exercise. 1.7 miles one way, it's a good walk, I like moving. I need new clothes everything is loose. I'm pretending I'm a model, an old one.

'House' is one of my favorite shows. I thought the one on Monday was superb and heart-breaking, and very real. Of course it made me think of my last communication with my alcoholic ex. After my last email to him, I've heard nothing. I was truthful, but kind and would have kept writing him, just not talking to him. The hardest part of it all was in the beginning hearing that he was still drinking. On 'House' when he hid under the bed to scare Cutty when she got up was dead on, that child like behavior...

I wonder if my ex is  following the Charlie Sheen debacle and sensing how people see him. Although I have to say, I have been very entertained by Charlie Sheen's antics. There's only so much Newt, Wisconsin and Libya a person can take.
openscarf: (Default)
Sunday evening, another whirlwind of a day, I'm glad I don't have to get up so early for the new job, because an hour or so of extra sleep on the weekend meant getting up at 6. I've gotten so much done, but I feel kind of manic.

I can see and feel the results from all my heavy clearing out, there is space and flow.  I posted the cutest video here, a week or so ago of bookcases and the different ways the owners were organizing their books. I was so charmed by it. I watched it about 50 times and yesterday I organized my 2 bookcases by color or books. I LOVE  the way it looks, so fresh and funky.

I've learned more and more about genetically engineered foods and I see how some foods are not available as 100 percent organic. This pains me.  What am I eating? What are they creating? Damn you Monsanto!

My one inch avocado sprout is a GE plant, I know it won't fruit, maybe one chance in 50, but I don't like that it's been altered. Oh well. I need free plants.

Today I planted 2 garlic cloves, each in their own little pot; some jalapeno seeds, and a chunk of ginger. Tropical plants, but we'll see. They're on my desk, hopefully my one curious cat won't get up here. All plants must wear armor for protection, usually a cuff of aluminum foil. They're close to a window and I can leave my little desk lamp on for them.

I have some plastic containers I may adapt for spring and summer planting on my fire escape. I feel slightly obsessed with plants right now. I'm thinking about a shelf on the wall of my tub,high up for, for orchids. We'll see.

All this is in preparation for my friends' visit in 6 weeks!  B, my girlfriend and I are talking clothes and I want to dress up, part high, part low, festively and just let go. She's excited about the planning and clothes too, we've always been like that. B, the boy friend, is mellower on that front. I think he's really excited to hang out together, it's been so long. I'm so jazzed.

I walked to Whole Foods this afternoon for a few items and my debit card kept getting denied.  I knew I had money, but double checked on my phone. I called the bank's 800 number and they had closed the account last night because of a skype call made from Luxembourg for $18! They hadn't called me yet because it happened last night and no one from that department was in on Sunday. The guy was great, he opened my account for my groceries, then closed it back up. I'll have a new card in a week or so.

It's amazing how they are on it, in a snap! I was pissed at first then impressed. I made a couple of online purchases last week and think it was from that. I haven't been anywhere, like a restaurant, where they take your card away in awhile. This is the first time this has ever happened to me and I've been doing everything online for many years. It's kind of fascinating.

I'm very ready for my new job tomorrow. It isn't supposed to rain, (I'll be walking). I can't wait to see what it's like, the vibe, etc. I feel very strong and like I've had plenty of practice working since the last horrific job I was laid off from and no longer think every job will be like walking into the pits of hell. I realize it won't be like sinking into a vat of floral scented bubbles either. I just want a desk I can leave some stuff at, learn my job, do it well and see what type of people are there.

I painted my nails. They look great, so far. I'm drinking wine for the first time in about a month and a half. That's a good omen.

Have a good Monday friends!
openscarf: (journey)

2009 was a year that divided my life, cut it cleanly in two.  Although I know that all along the years there have many phases, twists, turns and transitions, 2009 is the year that’s the invisible yet clear demarcation between black and white. Or fuchsia and chartreuse; then and now.

2010 was in some ways more frightening. Reentry, debriefing, rolling back my shoulders and swallowing fear, feeling it run down my body in rivulets, out the soles of my feet into the earth, to be transformed. Breathing into my heart and seeing the crown of my head open and receiving light from every sun and night star in every galaxy and feeling that light illuminating inside me.

 I located myself which is deeply satisfying.

Four temporary jobs and now on Monday I start a long term temp job that is most likely a very long term temp or will go permanent. It’s going to be good to settle in somewhere and just do the work and come home and look again for myself. I’m still here, but the last several months have been overly worrisome.  Getting by these last several months has been a feat; I’m way too solitary and need more fun, but at the same time I often feel boundless joy, for no reason I can grasp.

I feel sometimes like I’m constantly running numbers in my head, what do I have, what do I have to do. It will be luscious to stop doing that. I have those numbers down, imprinted in my brain.

Life is fluid.

I don’t have a lover in my life right now. I thought that the other day with sadness and immediately that thought was followed by, ‘you have someone who risked his life for you;’ and that flooded with me emotion and love. The words seem easy to write or say, but the meaning of them is extraordinary and I know that. That’s a love that I don’t know how, or care to know how, to categorize. It just is. I have that.

 And so! Another phase begins on Monday at the new job. It’s been fantastic meeting new people at each job, it’s been very positive. I’ve received praise and accolades, more for having a manner about me, than doing anything out of the ordinary, although I always do a good job. It seems the person I discovered is being let out and is appreciated. I like being called pretty, sexy, all that, but being told you have and give good energy, may be even better.

I came home from my last day at the temp job yesterday completely exhausted and fell asleep around 8. I’m awake now, obviously, but feel tired and quiet and extremely emotional, which is ok. I know my yoga practice is going to feel amazing. I don’t know what I’m going to do today, not too many chores, not too much analyzing. Yoga, reading, writing, make a few phone calls; let the old trickle out to make room for the new.

openscarf: (pissed)
I'm so pissed off.

I was told last Monday  (the 21st, that I had gotten the new temp-to-perm job and I promptly gave a week's notice with all the agencies in on the news when I was told I would start the following Monday.

 Then Friday I was told my start date was hinging on a computer getting there, so I wouldn't start Monday.

On Monday, we hoped for Tuesday. On Tuesday we hoped for Wednesday. It's Wednesday at 2pm and no one from the agency called. Each day here at the current position, they ask if I'll be here tomorrow. It's hard to prepare for them and for me to prepare to start a new job.

Each day I've asked the agency, do you think it will be next week?Can you give me a start date? And they just say, it's when the computers arrive.  I have been cheerful and cracked jokes. The account rep named M. told me Monday that worse case scenerio it would be today. It is most certainly NOT today.

 called the woman I normally speak to, C. but got her voice mail. Then I called M. and another partner answered and she was bitchy.  I said to the bitchy woman I wonder if I could be called at a certain time each day to be told, "it won't be tomorrow,"  because it's getting awkward here, when my manager asks me if I'll be here tomorrow, everyday since I was told the start date was the 28th.

I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to NOT say: 
Call your client and get a start date when you believe the computer will there and set up so she (me) can give a proper notice and prepare for the job. I have to steel myself to NOT say, you gave me the wrong start date and you won't own up to it and you don't give a damn.

Because they are not doing this. She said she didn't understand. She just repeated the thing I have heard over and over that it all depends when the client gets the computer.

I said it would be good for me to know if it was going to be next week, two weeks, etc, because they are all ready looking for another person here. She still didn't get it, from my point of view. I said something like, maybe they (the new company) have more information and she went to the dark dumbass side and said, I don't think they're with-holding information from us. OMG.  I just said ok, very quietly and she asked if I wanted to speak to C, so I said yes.

She pawned me off to C., who is a better smoozer with the little people. I'm sure Bitchy is lovely to the companies. I know Bitchy filled C. in that I was antsy, pissed or whatever. I was all of those, but speaking very quietly and using all my will power not to tell her to do a better job of preparing workers for jobs.

I told her I think I annoyed the other woman. She smooth talked me and said "sometimes you just can't track packages, you don't know when they will arrive, we get ours at 10:30, I don't know when they get theirs..."  WTF?  Why not ask?

She said don't worry, they still want you for the position, we just don't when the start date is.

I'm so pissed and pissed I got pissed. Now they know that I'm pissed and not super calm and cool and ready to land in their client's office on a dime and I'm pissed that they won't admit they told me the wrong start date.

I think I'm going to finish the week here without another thought, even if they call and say the start date is Thursday or Friday, even though I'll lose a little money. And if this stretches into next week, well...I'll need some ammunition.

I'm all for flowing, but the agency has been appallingly unprofessional to me and it's just not right. But I need them.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
openscarf: (Default)
I'm not sleepy yet, a good sign since I've been mostly awake all night; I probably got 4 hours.

I start a new job some time next week. Thank you very much!

I'm waiting on a computer, probably accesses and all that.  It's downtown, I can walk, which is awesome since gas is almost $4 a gallon and rising. It's a long-term temp job that may turn permanent, either way, I can start feeling a little stable in that sense. Its accounts payable, it's with a national ice cream company, it's not something depending on the economy.

I'm working the social worker secretary job right up to the day I start the new job. They love me and want me to stay as long as possible. So there are no burned bridges.

Thoughts are swirling around in my head.  I can feel old thought patterns emerging like: what about my 401K, what about no paid sick days, no paid vacation days, etc., yet the good news is I have a job for probably a long time. And I do sort of like being in temporary status. And I do sort of like having someone match my 401K. But, that's life. I am flowing. Let it flow, let it grow as Eric Clapton sang.  I'm just dust in the wind, as Kansas sang.

 I'm aware and watching  all the turbulence in my head;  I'm observing my thoughts and not falling into them, a good thing. But they're still there. My body is really tense even though I've been doing a lot of yoga and dance practices, eating good, walking, etc., so I know it's my mind tension manifesting in my shoulders. And my back, from also (not) sleeping on the sofa.

My sofa. It's a big cushy one. Big back cushions that never go down because the cats lay on top of them and they pouf out. I'm small but still, I have a narrow amount of space to lay there. I keep meaning to mash them down one weekend. Not the cats, the cushions.


Other Big News:  Possible snow tonight at 400 feet elevation. It hasn't snowed here, that low, since 1976. Should be fun to see. What's beautiful to see is the green mountains capped in white. Good for the soul.

openscarf: (Default)
1. After I made up the schedule and emailed and faxed everyone, things quieted down promptly at 8am.

2. It's President's Day. Seems like rather a quaint custom than anything worth celebrating.

3.  It's not raining. I got a good brisk walk in during lunch, I don't have the day off.

4. However, all other support staff does have the day off, so it's really quiet here.  It was nice of my boss to let me come in, she had said she was coming, but I guess she changed her mind.  The social workers are doing their thing like it's a weekend, and the phone is not ringing. I've spent the day surfing the net.  I also made copies of my tax returns and pinched two envelopes.

5. Met a new social worker. Nice. Seems very efficient. I liked her. She only works nights and weekends, or holidays.

6. I spent a couple hours on discount perfume websites looking for my perfume which runs out on my main website shortly after it becomes available. When I got the alert a few weeks ago, I didn't want to spend the money. Of course it's unavailable again. I checked many others, all too much, none as good as Scentiments.

5. Took above mentioned brisk walk. Noticed I lost one earring.

6. Have read all the news. Wisconsin is going bananas!! I applaud their determination. Their gov has a lot of balls, can't see how this will help him. Poll after poll after poll after common sense says people want JOBS CREATION. What do we get? Wars, tax hikes, cutting social services, cutting education. The big "they" say the people want the federal deficit cut. Who does? Very sad. The Florida governor is a piece of work too. Once Cape Kennedy closes, I don't kwow what whill happen to my little town.

7.  68 more minutes then I can leave.  I'll file the four pieces of paper that need a home.

8. Not supposed to be on the web here. Browser is really outdated, I don't know if that's part of the 'stay off the net' philosophy or what.
openscarf: (Default)
Well, if we let it, the twinkle is off the tinsel. 

The tree is either good humoredly wearing it's festive glitz for another few days although its branches may be drooping or it has already been stripped bare and abandoned by the side of the road. The irresistible warmth of the collective conscious is waning or gone and now we're in it. 2011, the future is here.

Let's hold on to the peace, love and joy people!  Keep it going, why not?

Tomorrow some of us will lumber out of bed and fall into the morning ritual of getting to work, while others will sleep a little later, lumber out of bed and force themselves into some type of ritual. I'll be doing the second. Ideally, I'll hear I have a job that starts on Wednesday. But in the meantime and if not, I'll have a plan for the day and be productive.

I think as time goes by, the fears we had are also waning. We don't need as much, we don't need what they said we'd need to be happy. Sometimes, I'll catch myself feeling happy and ask why? There is no answer it just is something deep inside.

I've been learning about my old-new friend with the farm. He has what he calls a yard hen who hides when she lays her eggs so they will hatch and not be eaten. (I didn't ask about if they get eaten later, some of the farm stuff I can't think about too much). I think she is very special though, she's evolving. This time they heard chirping, she had laid the eggs so deeply in the hay, that he had to take down part of the barn wall to get them out, they couldn't have gotten out on their own.  I think this goddess hen trusts him to find them after she has seen to their safe hatching. 15 chicks. That's a collaborative relationship.
openscarf: (Default)
My week at "the office" finally ended yesterday after I gave an extra 15 minutes which I'll take next week. Three days of being in the center of a paper matching sphere came to an abrupt halt on Thursday when I was asked to help audit the counts they were doing in the plant for yearly inventory.

I was given a nifty pair of rubber steel toe shoe covers that fit over my sneakers that I keep there to walk during lunch, gloves, goggles and a red pen. I've done inventory in my last job--merely samples, but tons at the restaurant I worked in.

My cute controller is my boss, but the plant operations manager, whose voice is pitched high with a Georgia southern accent that belies his dictator ways tracked me down all day. He's just a head taller than me and his boots must have heels, because he clicks along like a well shod woman. He's a close talker too.

The third boss, was the section manager of a certain section, very cute Latino guy, in his 30's I'd say.

All the plant/manufacture workers plus several engineers and  controller were out there counting. The woman who leads the inventory theater, sat in the conference room surrounded by her team and stacks of paper and tickets coming in and out.

Thursday  I loved it, it felt good to be moving. I don't like sitting all day. I felt like I was fighting a cold all week, everyone seems sick and I think the physical exertion did me good. I counted, carried some stuff to be weighed, let the guys carry the super heavy stuff and went up and down the big ladders (fun!) at least 50 times. At the end of the day I was exhausted.

Friday, I was less into it, but that's what I had to do. I wore old jeans and a sweater, the jeans were light denim and filthy by end of day. I verified counts on beautiful large sheets of various kinds of aluminum, brass and copper. They are very heavy and expensive. My partner for that count brought down most of the stuff with a forklift, in a very confined space. He's worked there 15 years and never broke a light or water pipe which are perilously close when lifting off the top rack.

The tickets weren't placed exactly where the item was on the rack so his expertise was also needed there. He would count with a large pin type of thing, because the sheets were so heavy. I leaned in face to face with him and verified. He was wary of me at first, but then we were friends. He knows his job well. He had an interesting way of talking that I never heard before. He's say something like, "I'll bring down that top rack of bronze and then get the ticket for you, hey?" "Hey?" at the end of almost all his sentences.  He told me he rode a unicycle as high as the highest rack--high and had taught his daughter. He started when he was six years old and thought about joining the circus but didn't want to be a clown. He was endearing.

I worked a few times with my favorite guy, a Latino who does maintenance and everything else as well. Many called him the nicest, most polite guy in the place, he's handsome too. We bonded. We counted a container full of piping, the container leaked there were puddles everywhere, I was on my hands and knees, it was so tight and they were long. We worked great together and verified the whole thing.

I worked with cutie controller too. He talks alot which I like. He's exhausted. When I left yesterday and they were all in the war room, I smiled and gave a little wave as I escaped. He was listening to all the inventory experts, figuring what was left, how early they had to come in today, etc. I saw on his face, the weariness and the WTF am I doing here when I can have a free and joyous life, how did this become so important expression.

The woman I'm assisting and I bonded better while I was in the plant. I'd go into her office on a break or in-between and make jokes about what was going on out there and how I couldn't escape the little southern accented operations guy. Cutie controller and I made jokes about him too-controller started it. I felt bad for her, when I left, she was being talked down to for making some kind of data entry mistake of the work-in-progress inventory. It all trickles down.

When I got home I was bone tired. I showered for a long time, ate something, dragged my laptop to the sofa and for the next four hours finished article number one for the news-blog. It's gone. I promised the other one for Monday, so I can breathe a little now.

I made a pact with myself to interpret the day's events as if they were a dream and I stuck to it pretty well. It is a fascinating and cool way to go through the day. Everything is symbolic and lighter, you drift from one dream scenario to another and it's all ok, it's just a dream.

This weekend is packed full of possiblities but I need time alone to unwind and re-energize. My neighbors are wine tasting locally, I said I may meet them later or as he said, they'd be back tonight and as he lives next door, I can go over, since they're continuing the party.

I was going to a Day of the Dead celebration tomorrow with P from Burning Man, but she just called and had to cancel, but there's a similiar event at the museum today she'd like to go to, but she knew I had the wine thing. So, thank you for synchronicity. I think today is for me to speak as little as possible, write and meditate, do yoga and run a broom or something around here & go visiting tonight.

Tomorrow I may go to the festival later, and meet P there after 3 which she can do. I have other friends who just arrived in town, but they're heading to Napa tomorrow or Monday for the week, so I don't see how that can happen.

Work, tripling what I was doing for 9 months is challenging. It's all good though for now, make the best of it, work is necessary.  Today,  I celebrate Saturday in my cluttery little home.
openscarf: (Default)
Hi Ho! Hi Ho! I go to work t'morrow, I hope sitting for eight doesn't bring zombie state, Hi Ho! Hi Ho!

I'm a little nervous and excited. I'm really glad I liked the people and the office and the location. I like that it's small, but they're part of a larger corporation.

I can wear jeans which is awesome, they dress up only when clients are coming in. So it's very business casual, California style. I've been waiting for my first job, (even thought this is supposedly only a few months), to freshen up my work clothes. I did great at my favorite thrift store:

purple silk blouse
pale pink silk blouse
pink, brown, gold, cotton blouse
pale blue India tunic
green & white Donna Karen jacket
gray nice slacks
black leather purse
black leather Beatles-type booties, about a one inch heel

all for under $30. Sweet!

I washed the new stuff,  ironed them plus some skirts, dresses, etc. Packed my new purse, planned my lunch and snacks. I'd like to do about 20 minutes of yoga when I wake up. I think I'm set.

You never know what happens at temp jobs, it could go on much longer. What's really good is that the recruiter is looking at me as totally hire-able -so our relationship has begun.

The copy/edit gig isn't as many hours as I thought. though I'll have a lot the last week of October, I've just done some stuff here and there. I think it's mainly because they were so far behind by the time I came in, still, it will hopefully bode well for the future.

" is through the eyes of the soul that paradise is visioned. If there are flaws in your paradise, open more windows!...One's destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things." - Henry Miller


openscarf: (Default)
I haven't wanted much to write about the holidays and how it all worked out for me.  I still believe telling my parents what happened to me was pointless except for my sister's threats.  My dad is unable to talk about it to me and I have no idea what he is thinking about it.  His behaviour to me was pretty much the way it always has been.  In turns insulting, apologetic, apathetic.  My mom tries very hard, but I honestly think while they were here and I was with them, that it was the farthest thing from their minds.  There was absolutely zero apprehension about staying in my place, in my neighborhood.  What it set up for me, was expectations that now that they knew, they'd be able to offer me something, but that wasn't true.  And I knew that, I KNEW THAT.  But, as I've written about ad nauseum, my hand was forced.  The family dynamic was pretty much the same for me and my parents.  It was hard, but at the end, we all agree it was good and fine and we appreciate the time and effor we all put into it.  Family I guess.

When I got to my sister's house on Christmas, the set up was awkward.  She was bustling around the kitchen.  The kitchen table where usually snacks are set up and people are sitting, was all ready set for dinner, for the overflow from the dining room.  The sunken family room had a football game on and seemed like a trap to just sit there.  After I said hi to everyone and stood there for a while, with no one offering to get drinks for anyone, I went outside.  The sun was shining, it was cool, but lovely.

Greg, a friend of theirs was out there and he glommed onto me.  He's a bit older, divorced, supposedly very wealthy, been retired for years. I've run into him over the years there.  He and his wife divorced about a year ago after he caught her in an affair that had been ongoing for almost 10 years.  My sister is still friends with her.  I remember talking to her about that and I couldn't get my head around it.  A dalliance is one thing, 10 years of lying is another, to me.  Greg had dated one of my sister's friends for almost a year, but they broke up amicably.

He was clearly flirting, I felt like a young chick.  He got me a drink, soon everyone was out there. My sister's husband's brothers were coming out as well, I hadn't seen the one brother since the night he came to the ER to help me.  None of them had seen me, so there were some sentiments expressed.  The one brother brought up me telling my parents and how he knew my sister wanted me to.  He didnt' get it.  I ended it by saying, it didn't help me to tell them and I've had to think and do what is best for me.

Greg talked and talked to me.  He took a lot of pictures.  I don't find him attractive, but he's interesting and we did have interesting conversation.  He left before desert for another engagement.   I wasn't too surprised when the next day, he emailed me pictures from the day and asked me out for the next weekend.  I wrote back and said I'd probably need the weekend to decompress, how about the following?  He said OK.  He wrote several times, sent more pictures, he had gone golfing with my dad and the brothers and sent some pics from that day. Each time he wrote, I wrote back cheerfully.

 In the middle of the next week he wrote and postponed but asked for the following weekend.  A friend of the family had foot surgery, his help was unavailable and Greg was the emergency support person.  My friends in relationships said this was a good sign. He was caring, he had a network, etc. I wrote back and said, sure, and asked how the rest of his holidays had gone.  He wrote and said they were quiet, he had helped his mom with her finances and done his tax planning.  Whatever, but he didn't ask anything I could answer.  Later in the week, he sent a chain mail with funny pictures and that's the last I heard from him.

I had thought a guy of his age and status wouldn't pull that crap so I was really surprised that he just dropped it cold like that.  I, in error, thought he'd have better manners, be more gallant, more of a hunter, etc.  I was actually a little nervous that I wasn't physically attracted to him at all, but wanted to seize my opportunities as they flowed in.  I'm now a very firm believer in the 'he's just not into you' theory.  If they want to go out with you, they will call.  I no longer want to write or call them and ask what happened.  Only took me 30 years for that one to sink in.

A guy that one of my work friends connected me with, just can't seem to ask me out.  Again, I wanted to honor the opportunity.  My friend has said he's really nice, not good looking, kind of weird.  But very nice.  We wrote a bit.  I had decided I'd meet him and just see, but he won't ask me.  At first he said, we should meet, on the street where he lives, where there are lots of places.  This was right before my hearing and I said I had too much going on.  I wrote him after the holidays and asked how his holidays were etc and yes we should get together.  He wrote back and said we should meet at, and named a place.  And I just didn't have it in me to write back and say, when is good for you, etc.  There is a reason these guys are single.  I'm not teaching anyone how to do anything anymore.  If you can't say, would you like to meet at blah blah blah on blah blah  or, Mondays and Thursdays are good for me, what's good for you?  Something!  Be men!

This same friend connected me with another of her friends a while ago and on the second email to me, in answer to a question I had asked to get a conversation going, said his idea of a perfect vacation day was a great breakfast, great sex and the pool or the beach.  I didn't write back and told my friend I had no idea how to answer that, it was so frat boy and I didn't think we had much in common.  Her boyfriend, who was this guy's brother supposedly said to him, your ideal vacation day, great sex?  That's your conversation opener?

Meanwhile, we have him now connected with a good friend of mine.  They have tons in common, mainly huge love of all sports, Irish, love of drinking.  He obvioulsy learned something from what his brother said and they had nice emails together, commonality and are meeting next week.  He asked her out nicely.  I hope it works out for them.

I'm laying low.  Not being a hermit, but I just need to get through the next week.  My hearing is a week from tomorrow.  I just want it done.  I'll probably take a sick day on Tuesday and then I think I'm free and clear for months.  I just want to keep my mind peaceful and positive.

Work is seemingly unbearable but I get through, because I keep choosing to be positive and light.  It often hits me with such force, that my job was stripped from me.  I have no say in anything.  It was not warranted.  People continue to leave for other jobs.  It's just a sad place to be, but bearable enough to get my paycheck and benefits as long as I can and need.  I still  devote time to looking and applying for jobs.  Willing and seeing the opportunites coming in.

What makes me feel good?  My friends and their values, my values, food and recipes, I'm getting more and more into whole foods, cooking, nurturing.  Making efforts everyday to stay in touch, reach out, be social, be helpful and pleasant.  Yoga.  Yoga.  Yoga. Tarot. Books.  I'm having a couple friends over next Saturday, it will be awesome to cook for them.

I bought our tickets to Burning Man on Wednesday.  That's an adventure waiting to happen.  That's my vacation.  What excites me about it is the idea that you're completely free to be who you want to be, who you've always wanted to be.  You can dance and dance and dance.  The art will be mind blowing, hot/cold desert, up all night, clothing optional, an alternate world. Getting the tickets was a step towards the unknown, challenging, alternative adventures that I want, the leap, the fool.
openscarf: (Default)

Work unpredictablility continues.  A really good friend got promoted, I'm super happy for her.  A woman who has been here a long long time and has consistently received yearly feedback that she is hard to work with and has anger issues, got promoted.  A guy who's been here about 8 years, who receives a promotion about every 2 or 3 years (seems normal, I know, but not here) got promoted.  It depends entirely on what department you're in and who you report too.

This morning I battled feelings of inferiority, uselessness, and the the vision of the mountain of unprofessional decisions I made through the years.  I never had a career path, I've had so many different jobs and I didn't pursue my passion, not sure what that really was.  I wanted to write, but was turned off by journalism, I think the reality was I didn't know how to get into it.; I was definitely turned off by the advertising PR world when I interned in an office once.  I didn't know how to pursue anything like that.  So I went into social work, restaurant management, real estate appraising, gym sales, retail management.  Great path!  Once I moved to CA, I stuck with what I'm doing now.  I was definitely a gypsy, I never worried about the next job, I liked being free from the rat race.  Not so great now.  I feel old, as younger people get promoted.

I feel better now, I keep telling myself, I'm the same person I was before the promotions were announced, I have a sure sense of myself and what I want and how I'd still like to be out of the corporate rat race and am working towards that goal.  It's a big world and I want to travel.  My debts will be paid in a few years, I can earn less, I won't have to work constantly...I have to keep my dreams alive.  I have a lot and I can read that is inspiring about people who do lead different types of lives who aren't chained to the 40 hour work force their whole lives.  Must stay positive.

I'm still at work waiting on my IT friend to finish installing something on a VP's laptop, of course that request came in at 5pm on Friday.  That's just not nice.  We're going to get a drink and gossip and laugh.

This weekend, I am plunging in with renewed vigor on the job search, contacts, etc.  Put actions out there so there will be returns.  Meditate, eat good (Iall the edible leftovers are finally finished, as I did a number on the lasagna last night).

I was supposed to have a date with someone this weekend but he had to postpone due to a family friend emergency that he is on call to help care for.  Will write about all that later.  Should be possible next weekend.  I'm just trying extremely hard not to say no. 

The week

Dec. 13th, 2009 12:16 pm
openscarf: (journey)
Yesterday I started decorating a bit for the holidays. I love lights. I put white lights on my A-frame book-tv stand, they look charming. I'll put multi-colored lights around the 2 big windows-they only face another building, but it will look nice from the inside. There is a very slim chance I could get new blinds, so I'm waiting on putting them up, just in case. I put a few little things out. I'll make a trip to Salvation Army-since as I search for my various containers of Christmas stuff, I find old things that I forget I had and why I have saved them.

This past week was full. Monday was rough. Even after therapy, I think my headache was worse. She introduced me to a cool technique called Emo-free which uses pressure points and a funny little sequence of things you say or do to help break thought patterns. The goal is to acknowledge a problem and create self acceptance despite the existance of the problem. It helped alot.

Tuesday, I had my follow up with the oral surgeon who is a real cutie with a good personality and that went well. Mouth looks good, he listened to my concerns about all the triggering that went on. We don't meet again until March.

Thursday I met with the deputy DA and my advocat. Interesting. I was really emotional at first, just really quiet. I asked how we'd all be arranged because I wanted to be prepared for where the guy was sitting and what part of my vision he would be in. We went into a courtroom where a trial was taking place and I saw the placement. At this one, the defendant was on the end closest to the witness stand and the attorneys sitting next to him. When we left, I said, it looked like when I looked at the DA's, I would be seeing this guy. My DA said he would use a podium if that would make me feel better, right in front of me, but the defense probably wouldn't. They both stressed to me that I don't even have to look at the DA when I answer, I could look at the judge, who is opposite the table where they sit. I said, that's not considered rude, and they said no way. I asked what the guy would be doing, and my advocat said that typically, someone like him, would have his head lowered looking at the table and nothing else, or watching everything very detached, like a movie. They said there could be some eye rolling or shaking of the head, but said he probably wouldn't be displaying any hostility because it would look really bad for him. Regardless of what he was doing, they said to completley ignore him, it just doesn't matter. I asked if he would be in handcuffs and they said, probably not, but the bailif would be right there.

Then we went over what I would be asked. Read more... )Read more... )


Dec. 3rd, 2009 07:48 pm
openscarf: (stars)
Life is surreal and when it's obvious that it is surreal, it flows along with little regard for gravity or logic.

Do I pick apart every remembered moment of every dream seeking justice? No, I shake my head and chuckle at the dream memory of the mangy dog who asked for a drink of water so I turned on the hose for it. I forget now, but I did figure this one out for myself at the time.

I can approach 'real' life this way. Treat it as a series of symbols. For reasons I don't fully comprehend, I'm working an entry level job. It's not like I have a Ph.D, but I do have my four years and I did supervise a team, made decisions, offered input, etc. I did a job that currently 2 and a half people are now doing.

Today while waiting for checks to be printed that I would sort, distribute and stuff into envelopes, I saw my former team member and the person who has a lesser version of my supervisor position, coming back from somewhere, red eyed, mellow, spacey. Neither one went past high school.

People are leaving our company for greener pastures. I wish I was head hunter material, I'm not. My finding a job I feel valued in that fits my values will come about because I wanted it and can see myself somewhere better and so opportunities will flow from that energy. It's hard!

I'm back to basics on this. I'm starting with just writing in my journal, positively, what I want and saying it to myself. I've done magic before and I'll do it again.

I miss yoga. This bone graft scenero is kicking my ass. The timing of it is surreal. I want to feel good and strong, but I have to accept the healing time and lay low and rest. I want to start giving my place a good cleaning, stocking up on the basics for cooking and fun for Christmas and go to Thrift Town and buy myself some clothes. I'm ready for funky fab clothes.

Doc appointments, mental & dental, preliminary hearing prep, then the hearing. Maybe a break then.


openscarf: (Default)

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