openscarf | (no subject)

Yesterday what I thought was blue was a low grade panic that escalated to full blown despair. I worked through it all. After the yoga, sage, a very hot tub, a pill, some wine, a long long chat with a beloved friend. Then finally sleep and today much better, just the heavy bones feeling of the adrenaline leaving. It's all good though. It's damp and gloomy outside, I stayed cozy. I wrote a poem.

I’ve surrendered.

My heart doesn’t behave like a door or window that I want ajar

just this much and no more.

Once opened, it yawns hungrily and claims more

and becomes so vast,

I occupy my heart

instead of it nestled in me.

How disturbing…how exhilarating…

I lose my balance.

Everything comes in.

Salty sea water

in which sometimes I surf, sometimes I drown

but just for a time

before I plunge up for air.

Dry metallic desert dust

envelops me; chokes and blinds me,

yet polishes me like white marble.

Bees and hummingbirds bring gifts:

a glittering tiny stone, small bones from recent feasts,

a scrap of paper, once part of a love letter.

They play a whispering magnificent symphony.

An ancient and nascent wind blows.

It cushions and lifts me on a journeying draft.

It caresses my cheeks and kisses my lips

and murmurs in my ear

of past adventures, inviting me

to love further.

Free, revealed

seeking you

and me.