not a good day

[openscarf]

I got in trouble at work today. I displayed frustration and wasn't professional in an email to a vendor; they complained, they demanded that they don't have to deal with me anymore; it went literally to the top of the company and I got a serious talking to, I thought I was being fired. I knew yesterday after I wrote it, that I fucked up. This isn't the first time I've been spoken to about my tone, whether verbal or in writing. I got heated and didn't stop emailing. (smack forehead)

NEVER MIND the back story. Where I work, it doesn't matter at all, nada. No matter that this vendor had our liquor license in jeopardy by being non-compliant, never mind that I spent a week helping them, so we could pay them. Never mind that they were unprofessional, rude and dense. Never mind that I discovered the issue, never mind that they didn't alert us to it. Never mind the hundreds of people I communicate with in a week that it's all good, I'm so helpful. Forget the $600K I was able to recover, it's not relevant. No matter. At all. I let anger out. I fucked up. I mean, my manager was incredulous. I felt like crap.

I sucked it up, I mean, I was rude, no excuses, BUT the way my manager's manager talked to me was brutal. I thought I was getting fired. I'm not sure I'm not, to be honest. It was horrible. I owned it. I apologized. I wrote out things I need to do, which I really do need to do to survive corporate America and earn a paycheck.

1. Do not write to the same person more than 2 or 3 times in one day. Let things slide. Care less.
2. Write in very short sentences, fragments if necessary.
3. Do not attempt or ever think I am educating anyone.
4. Do not keep Outlook up all day. Go in every hour or so, then shut it down.
5. Even though most of my work takes place communicating via email, dive into other projects, find them, invent them, research, etc.

I called my mom when I got home cause I wanted to cry. And because we are alike. We get frazzled, we don't let things slide, our words can bite, we're emotional, we're not political, we don't know how to negotiate very well. We're usually right, but have trouble communicating with certain types. We had an awesome talk. I feel better. Thanks Mom.

I'm trying to not keep things inside too much, like I always have.

I'm still crying a little, but it feels softening, healing.

I need my job.

I am exploring free lance opportunites, but I'm at the beginning of that road.

Please comment LJ friends. :-)

Comments

[mollys-home.livejournal.com]

I had the same problem as you do for years. And I DID lose a job because of it. That's when I made a firm effort to knock it off. I found that if I read applicable statements to myself each morning that in time it helps one to pull the necessary statement to the surface of the mind when needed. For me the statements were:
-The thing you focus on will be the thing that expands.
-Everyone has a conditioning background of their own. I will let them be them. I don't have to control or change anyone.
-I don't deserve to be upset whenever my version of what should be does not happen.
-If you change your own steps, the dance can't continue in the same pattern.
-Detachment shows how much you care about yourself and you deserve that care. Detach out of love for you
-With each step in life, I can move closer to my goals or a step further away from them. I don't deserve to travel backwards. I deserve to take the good steps.
-There's a right and a wrong step to take or reaction to make. Take the step you know to be right even if you are not completely into it.

This really helped me. Take what you want and leave the rest.
I hope everything at work will be okay.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Those statements are great. I'm adding them to my arsenal. That's a wonderful definition of detachment; it's what I really want to do and be.

So far so good, will be taking a walk with my immediate supervisor in a bit to 'check in.'

thank you again.