not a good day

[openscarf]

I got in trouble at work today. I displayed frustration and wasn't professional in an email to a vendor; they complained, they demanded that they don't have to deal with me anymore; it went literally to the top of the company and I got a serious talking to, I thought I was being fired. I knew yesterday after I wrote it, that I fucked up. This isn't the first time I've been spoken to about my tone, whether verbal or in writing. I got heated and didn't stop emailing. (smack forehead)

NEVER MIND the back story. Where I work, it doesn't matter at all, nada. No matter that this vendor had our liquor license in jeopardy by being non-compliant, never mind that I spent a week helping them, so we could pay them. Never mind that they were unprofessional, rude and dense. Never mind that I discovered the issue, never mind that they didn't alert us to it. Never mind the hundreds of people I communicate with in a week that it's all good, I'm so helpful. Forget the $600K I was able to recover, it's not relevant. No matter. At all. I let anger out. I fucked up. I mean, my manager was incredulous. I felt like crap.

I sucked it up, I mean, I was rude, no excuses, BUT the way my manager's manager talked to me was brutal. I thought I was getting fired. I'm not sure I'm not, to be honest. It was horrible. I owned it. I apologized. I wrote out things I need to do, which I really do need to do to survive corporate America and earn a paycheck.

1. Do not write to the same person more than 2 or 3 times in one day. Let things slide. Care less.
2. Write in very short sentences, fragments if necessary.
3. Do not attempt or ever think I am educating anyone.
4. Do not keep Outlook up all day. Go in every hour or so, then shut it down.
5. Even though most of my work takes place communicating via email, dive into other projects, find them, invent them, research, etc.

I called my mom when I got home cause I wanted to cry. And because we are alike. We get frazzled, we don't let things slide, our words can bite, we're emotional, we're not political, we don't know how to negotiate very well. We're usually right, but have trouble communicating with certain types. We had an awesome talk. I feel better. Thanks Mom.

I'm trying to not keep things inside too much, like I always have.

I'm still crying a little, but it feels softening, healing.

I need my job.

I am exploring free lance opportunites, but I'm at the beginning of that road.

Please comment LJ friends. :-)

Comments

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that the disciplinary actions are meant to humiliate rather than guide. They're childish. In what world does it make any sense that although the findings were reversed, you were still indicted and punished? Thank you for sharing that with me, the commonality helps tremendously. What happens at the end of the 90 days?

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

Nothing.

I asked the same question myself.

She looked at me cluelessly and said, "Why should anything change? I don't want you to change a thing. You get excellent results for our clients."

What she didn't say is that for five years running, she has gotten national kudos for my team's work, and our agency has been a "go-to" agency for our counterparts in other states.

I frequently liken my work experience to staying in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids - in my case, it's staying in a bad work situation for the sake of the clients, who are people with disabilities who have been abused/neglected/exploited in some fashion.

But I am also aware - and have discussed with my therapist - that it must be a sign of at least some kind of dysfunction in me that I have been going at this for nearly 20 years. Probably some degree of stubbornness at this point - I am younger than she is, so maybe I'll outlive her.

You gotta find the humor in some of this shit to get through it. ;)