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where I am
For the 3rd time, I'm at the "one week until the hearing" mark. I'm more used to the feelings that start making themselves known, like cold damp fog creeping in. Here we go again.
For my insomniac friends, have you noticed the Olympics coverage is on all night? They repeat prime time coverage through the wee hours.
We're having several days of warm mild weather. It feels good but strange, it's thrown me off.
I'm thrown off anyway by everything. Although I"m not surprised, the realization that the place I spent 8 1/2 hours or more 5 days a week for 7 years was just a shadow of a shell, and that almost all the people I interacted with have nothing to do with my life, is now concrete. I don't miss any of them, but they did form, however flimsy, a structure that I existed in and am now aware of its absence. I've chosen to stay out of any similiar structure for a little bit or for as long as I can, it's what I want; but it's hard to create a new form out of nothing. I'll continue on, but I want to say that it's hard.
At the same time, when I met my friend last week for a drink and she walked in, we both had the biggest truest smiles on our faces and I had thoughts like, my friend, she's so beautiful and funny and smart and real. It was good to see her and be with her, without the shoddy structure.
I was up all night last night. I laid on the sofa and listened and watched the Olympics and a very interesting story on Google and all that it is.
I've had 3 stories published in the paper. I'm proud of that and of how they read. I'm working on some ideas of my own. This enterprise is very flowy, I would like it to be more firm, but its not; it's new right now and I'm flowing...
My eating is off, my sleep is off. I'm getting a lot of exercise, but I feel fat. I'm not going to the bikram yoga studio anymore, I'm practicing at home -vinyassa flow- and its opening me up big time. Twisting and wrenching of the thoracic cavity, where I have a lot old energy to release and physical scar tissue that I hope dissolves. It feels 'eyes rolling up in the back of my head" good when I do these postures and after. The physical/emotional release is huge and can be draining. But its good.
The cats are different with me being here all day. They're more active, more intuitive, more responsive, more affectionate, and yes, more adorable.
It's all different. Its sort of like when you're travelling and it's been amazing, but it's been weeks or whatever your too long time frame is and you're ready to go home to what's familiar again. But how I feel now, is that, there is very little that is familiar; there's some, but I feel I"m searching for the trail and then the next one, and where's the subway and I'm not fluent in the language and the food is upsetting my stomach. Quite the journey. I'm on it...
For my insomniac friends, have you noticed the Olympics coverage is on all night? They repeat prime time coverage through the wee hours.
We're having several days of warm mild weather. It feels good but strange, it's thrown me off.
I'm thrown off anyway by everything. Although I"m not surprised, the realization that the place I spent 8 1/2 hours or more 5 days a week for 7 years was just a shadow of a shell, and that almost all the people I interacted with have nothing to do with my life, is now concrete. I don't miss any of them, but they did form, however flimsy, a structure that I existed in and am now aware of its absence. I've chosen to stay out of any similiar structure for a little bit or for as long as I can, it's what I want; but it's hard to create a new form out of nothing. I'll continue on, but I want to say that it's hard.
At the same time, when I met my friend last week for a drink and she walked in, we both had the biggest truest smiles on our faces and I had thoughts like, my friend, she's so beautiful and funny and smart and real. It was good to see her and be with her, without the shoddy structure.
I was up all night last night. I laid on the sofa and listened and watched the Olympics and a very interesting story on Google and all that it is.
I've had 3 stories published in the paper. I'm proud of that and of how they read. I'm working on some ideas of my own. This enterprise is very flowy, I would like it to be more firm, but its not; it's new right now and I'm flowing...
My eating is off, my sleep is off. I'm getting a lot of exercise, but I feel fat. I'm not going to the bikram yoga studio anymore, I'm practicing at home -vinyassa flow- and its opening me up big time. Twisting and wrenching of the thoracic cavity, where I have a lot old energy to release and physical scar tissue that I hope dissolves. It feels 'eyes rolling up in the back of my head" good when I do these postures and after. The physical/emotional release is huge and can be draining. But its good.
The cats are different with me being here all day. They're more active, more intuitive, more responsive, more affectionate, and yes, more adorable.
It's all different. Its sort of like when you're travelling and it's been amazing, but it's been weeks or whatever your too long time frame is and you're ready to go home to what's familiar again. But how I feel now, is that, there is very little that is familiar; there's some, but I feel I"m searching for the trail and then the next one, and where's the subway and I'm not fluent in the language and the food is upsetting my stomach. Quite the journey. I'm on it...
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I think the workplace, good or bad, provides structure, continuity and a strange but familiar comfort to our lives. I've been saying for years that I will never retire. As much as my current job may cause me stress, I will always do something.
One of the reasons I suggested finding the gathering place for OL, if there is one, is the need for those connections.
I'm just sayin'
I'm watching the figure skating as I type. The judges kill me.
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When I watch the skating, I do the judging. :-) I'm still swooning over those lovely German clowns last night, (came in 2nd) skating to 'Send in the Clowns'. I sang it, very badly, to my cats, making up words all night, as I lay there, not sleeping.
It is true what you say about meeting with the gang. True to it's start up, web base, no money attributes at this time, there's no office. Everyone's at home. I think in time, more relationships will form, but it's just new now.
I'm going to start going to a little coffee shop/gallery down the road for a bit a couple times a week. I'm not going to bring my laptop, I think that's cliched. I'll bring a book to read, a notebook and a pen and commune with the other unemployed folks.
I think by nature, writers are alone, they work alone, and I'm a loner anyway. It's not really that I'm lonely, it's that I'm in unfamiliar surroundings. Do you know what I mean?
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I don't think the laptop in the cafe is cliched but I know what you mean. I suspect the coffee shop may be the natural habitat of the laptop and their partners, the computer geeks.
I know exactly what you mean by being a loner but not lonely. I'm a part-time loner. I must have 'me time'. I've blogged about it. This can be a sensitive topic when you're in a relationship.
Being alone in public is something I don't mind. I enjoy people but sometimes I keep them at a distance .... if that makes sense.
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I was fascinated by the clown costumes too, especially his. They were chic clowns. The make up was good, nice eyebrows. The fact that he looked like Obama made it even more fun. That ruffle around his neck...
I'm on my laptop all day at home, I'm not that busy-yet, heh, heh! I'll have my phone tho, have iphone, will travel.
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I may go to a phone with a full keypad but I don't need the internet and 1000 online apps.
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I am the geek, it's always next to me. It's love. ;-)
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so cool that you've gotten 3 articles published. i hope that continues to go well for you. :)
oh, and thanks for the tip on the olympics being rebroadcast! i didn't know that and am bummed i've missed some of the figure skating already. i set my DVR up last night to record the rebroadcast over night, so hopefully i'll get to see some of it.