openscarf

Yesterday I realized that in the last couple of weeks, one word has repeatedly popped into my conciousness and I've had a reaction to it each time. It has wings, it's trying to tell me something, so I delved into the deeper meanings.  The word is  "conversation."  First it was missing and I had to stand up for it; next, it was used in a grossly inaccurate context and I had to banish it and lastly, it just wasn't  the right word and it stayed.

Here's are the roots from an online etyomology dictionary:

 mid-14c., from O.Fr. conversation, from L. conversationem (nom. conversatio) "act of living with," prp. of conversari "to live with, keep company with," lit. "turn about with," from L. com- intens. prefix + vertare, freq. of vertere (see versus).

Originally "having dealings with others," also "manner of conducting oneself in the world;" specific sense of "talk" is 1580.

Used as a synonym for "sexual intercourse" from at least 1511, hence criminal conversation, legal term for adultery from late 18c. Related: Conversational (1779); conversationalist (1836); conversationist (1806).

The 1st & 2nd definitions resonate, especially, "to turn about with" and  "manner of conducting oneself in the world."  I'm swinging my scythe, creating my path, trusting my gut.   I'm doing something I've always loved to do for recognition and  interacting with intelligent people who seem to generally respect others (wow man!)  I'm reinventing.  I feel like ME.  (Sadly, the 3rd definition has no relevance ;-/) 

It's interesting to me, how the omens and signs are everywhere.

1.  The subject of my second story was a company that wants to build relationships between businesses and customers through story telling and "conversation."  The company owners and employees share stories about themselves and the business, consumers are asked to register on the website and respond to any story that touches them.  The idea is that the business owner will respond with another story, so a "conversation" happens.  The assistant editor of the paper, rewrote the story and used the word "comments" instead of "conversations."  In the end, after I fought for my words, my story was restored as I wrote it and "conversations" was put back.

2.  When I testified, the public defender asked me if I was having "conversations" with the people who had gathered around me after the assault.  I was insulted and felt belittled by her use of the word. The word diminished the severity of what I had just been through and the condition I was in.  I said I wouldn't call them "conversations."

3.  I covered a workshop to teach parents how to get more involved with the schools and to engage the community.  The assistant editor called the workshop a "conversation"  I asked if it could just be, "he participated,"  and leave "in the conversation" out.  It stayed.

#3 was the least energetic of these.  I wonder if that means I got the message? 

I wonder what my next word is.

Update:  late last night I got an email from the AE who had only then gotten to my email, she was fine with my request and took out "in the conversation"

For the 3rd time, I'm at the "one week until the hearing" mark.  I'm more used to the feelings that start making themselves known, like cold damp fog creeping in.  Here we go again.

For my insomniac friends, have you noticed the Olympics coverage is on all night?  They repeat prime time coverage through the wee hours.

We're having several days of warm mild weather.  It feels good but strange, it's thrown me off.

I'm  thrown off anyway by everything. Although I"m not surprised, the realization that the place I spent 8 1/2 hours or more 5 days a week for 7 years was just a shadow of a shell, and that almost all the people I interacted with have nothing to do with my life,  is now concrete.  I don't miss any of them, but they did form, however flimsy, a structure that I existed in and am now aware of its absence.  I've chosen to stay out of any similiar structure for a little bit or for as long as I can, it's  what I want;  but it's hard to create a new form out of nothing.  I'll continue on, but I want to say that it's hard.

At the same time, when I met my friend last week for a drink and she walked in, we both had the biggest truest smiles on our faces and I had thoughts like, my friend, she's so beautiful and funny and smart and real.  It was good to see her and be with her, without the shoddy structure.

I was up all night last night.   I laid on the sofa and listened and watched the Olympics and a very interesting story on Google and all that it is.

I've had 3 stories published in the paper.  I'm proud of that and of how they read.  I'm working on some ideas of my own. This enterprise is very flowy, I would like it to be more firm, but its not; it's new right now and I'm flowing...

My eating is off, my sleep is off.  I'm getting a lot of exercise, but I feel fat.  I'm not going to the bikram yoga studio anymore, I'm practicing at home -vinyassa flow- and its opening me up big time.  Twisting and wrenching of the thoracic cavity, where I have a lot old energy to release and physical scar tissue that I hope dissolves.  It feels 'eyes rolling up in the back of my head" good when I do these postures and after.  The physical/emotional release is huge  and can be draining.  But its good. 

The cats are different with me being here all day.  They're more active, more intuitive, more responsive, more affectionate, and yes, more adorable.

It's all different.  Its sort of like when you're travelling and it's been amazing, but it's been weeks or whatever your too long time frame is and you're ready to go home to what's familiar again.  But how I feel now, is that, there is very little that is familiar; there's some, but I feel I"m searching for the trail and then the next one, and where's the subway and I'm not fluent in the language and the food is upsetting my stomach.  Quite the journey.  I'm on it...

Life is surreal and when it's obvious that it is surreal, it flows along with little regard for gravity or logic.

Do I pick apart every remembered moment of every dream seeking justice? No, I shake my head and chuckle at the dream memory of the mangy dog who asked for a drink of water so I turned on the hose for it. I forget now, but I did figure this one out for myself at the time.

I can approach 'real' life this way. Treat it as a series of symbols. For reasons I don't fully comprehend, I'm working an entry level job. It's not like I have a Ph.D, but I do have my four years and I did supervise a team, made decisions, offered input, etc. I did a job that currently 2 and a half people are now doing.

Today while waiting for checks to be printed that I would sort, distribute and stuff into envelopes, I saw my former team member and the person who has a lesser version of my supervisor position, coming back from somewhere, red eyed, mellow, spacey. Neither one went past high school.

People are leaving our company for greener pastures. I wish I was head hunter material, I'm not. My finding a job I feel valued in that fits my values will come about because I wanted it and can see myself somewhere better and so opportunities will flow from that energy. It's hard!

I'm back to basics on this. I'm starting with just writing in my journal, positively, what I want and saying it to myself. I've done magic before and I'll do it again.

I miss yoga. This bone graft scenero is kicking my ass. The timing of it is surreal. I want to feel good and strong, but I have to accept the healing time and lay low and rest. I want to start giving my place a good cleaning, stocking up on the basics for cooking and fun for Christmas and go to Thrift Town and buy myself some clothes. I'm ready for funky fab clothes.

Doc appointments, mental & dental, preliminary hearing prep, then the hearing. Maybe a break then.