openscarf

Today in therapy I said the words I later read in dadadadio 's post, it is what it is. The meaning of that phrase to me is, that we have to accept whatever bs is going on, then go from there.

I'm in a kind of crappy space right now and my therapist helped me see why. Again, I'm anxious, have lost some self confidence, slightly fearful, I feel lost, lots of anxious energy in my chest and head, sad, depressed. I told her I didn't see how telling my parents helped me in any way, it only made me feel worse. She reminded me that I said it made me feel less lonely, but that was a week ago, that euphoria didn't last long, I still feel lonely and worse.

Things had been snow balling to this and it's the path I took, I just didn't know I'd feel so bad. She said the telling of the story again, opens me up to my own vulnerability, I'm not masking it or hiding it from them anymore. The story is alive again for that reason, also the hearing is coming up,where I will see this guy, the boundary setting with my sister, my teeth being pulled this Saturday. That's hard because I'm doing something that is directly related at this time to the assault, the first and exact place I was hit, being put under and out of control plus the usual dentist anxiety I have and there you go. Big fat snowball of intense emotions, iI don't have the distance I had from it, and now this second time around is different than the first.

I told her it was devastating to feel all these things again after regaining some strength to go backwards and feel this was disappointing and felt never ending. That it was so freakin hard to get through it, and it this point, it's just living with it, it doesn't go anywhere. She's great, agrees it's very hard, and it's ok to feel that. All valid, try not judge it, keep breathing, and I just have to get through it and take care of myself as much and as best I can. There's no solution, it is what it is. The validation helps, apparently this is all normal for trauma symptoms.

On a happier note, after emailing with sis today, I was surprised to learn that they are still going to do the NYE hotel bash, so I get my parents for NYE! I'll have them Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and will take them back to her house on Friday, they leave on Saturday. That's great. I'm enjoying looking and printing recipes, and can plan things to do.

I have yummy sounding recipes so far for:

pumpkin oatmeal raisin cookies (chocolate or no chocolate?)
homemade pizza
squash/mushroom lasagne

I'm leaning towards not having sis, her husband, his mother & possibly others over for dinner this time. I think this year may be a little different.

I'd rather eat lunch out with them, have sandwich stuff for my dad here, other than that he can be a good vegetarian. So this part is good.

It's super nice to just have 1 1/2 days of work left for this week.

The guy my friend at work is trying to fix me up with wrote and yay, he's a libertarian not a republican which I can stomach better. Not sure how far we'll get, but at least we're emailing.

chocolate or no chocolate? (I mean for me, now!)