openscarf

"Be brave enough to live creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can't get there by bus, only by hard work, risking, and by not quite knowing what you're doing. What you'll discover will be wonderful: yourself."
-- Alan Alda


My day started rather rottenly, with a phone interview from CA  unemployment because like a fool I had claimed the pennies I made for writing two articles for a newssite. I had to listen to this robot go down his list of questions and make my answers fit his nasty little template. Because I'm looking for all kinds of work and free-lancing he said I could lose my benefits. He wasn't saying I would lose my benefits but he said I could. It was an excruciating twisting ignorant non-connecting impaired communication. At one point I became imperious:  How DARE you, HOW DARE you threaten to take my benefits!  

And I ended the threatening terrorizing call by threatening him:  If I lose my benefits, your ass is grass!

Very mature.

I'm sure I'll be standing in line, in ten days waiting to speak to someone in Sacremento and explaining  how this feeble minded beige nothing, twisted my words so instead of portraying me as someone looking for work in AND beyond the scope of the last job, I'm somehow scamming the generous state of CA. Basterds. It's my money, not theirs.

I  felt grouchy all day. Interviewed a bio-deisal fuel women-owned company for a story which was cool, took a short leisurely walk on this chilly sunny day to the library and got 2 more books, YAY, came back, wrote a little, but not feeling the muse. Which is why I went searching for inspiration and found the quote above. I applied for another cool job and made an appointment with another temp agencie for next week for the type of job I don't want. The money is running out.  I feel a little panicky about that.

I'm adjusting, processing. The concerns, angst and worries of the past year are passing through me, while the fresh and new light filled opportunites are starting to trickle in. I must let them in. I must let the other out. It's a concious active meditation and prayer. I honestly think it would be impossible without yoga. It's challenging. I have to be patient and know that it's necessary. I'll have yet another self emerging which is super cool, but I don't know her yet.

Physically, the changes are amazing as well. I'm physicall really tired. I have some resources to build up. I can feel the lessening or absence, not sure yet,  of the survival juices, for good this time I hope.

So I actually feel confused, not grounded, and insecure.

Doing yoga, now.