openscarf | Entries tagged with spring

If one of my friends moved to a brand new town where she didn’t know anyone after her marriage imploded, with her three pets, to a small apartment, handled all the details herself, was living on a tight budget, looking for a job, selling their house remotely with a realtor, registered with 3 staffing agencies, scoured job listings daily (multiple times) had her second interview today for a job she really wants, (that she found herself without the agencies) all in TWO months, I would say, you’re an effing rockstar sister!

I’m my friend, aren’t I? AREN’T I??

There are definitely times in life where you wait and while you wait, you live. When you wait, you have NO control over the thing you’re waiting on, only the way you react to the waiting. Nothing more!

But if thoughts shape our lives then fill that wait with abundance!

It is supposed to be sunny and dry for a week. A WEEK!! (Does this post make me seem unbalanced?)

Is spring balanced? No! It explodes here and creeps there. It’s warm today and below freezing tomorrow. But spring is on the approach!

This week the driver's license quest continued with roller coaster emotions and epic failures and success.

But first, the most significant and symbolic event I can remember in a long time presented itself – On Monday, I saw a bear on the side of 240 West just outside of Asheville after I had dropped Zia off at daycare. A bear!

I've only seen a cub in Yosemite once at a distance. This was a stout youngster rooting around at the bottom of a wooded hill. I was euphoric.

When I got home, I looked up the symbolism. The bear represents intuition, introspection, and instinct. They disappear for their spiritual sleep and wake to the sun, jubilant, smaller in body, and greater in spirit, which can be likened to releasing worldly goods and possessions, beginning again, a fresh start.

I am a bear. I chose to move in winter, settle in, and be here when spring first whispers and sings. I got rid of many worldly goods to downsize, including letting go of my marriage, and am embracing a more minimalist approach to everything which is empowering -(and cheaper). I chose the bear for my totem. A freaking bear! It made me so happy!

Tuesday, I got up early, dropped Zia at daycare and drove back to Marshall to get my license. I arrived about 8:45, prepared to wait, almonds in my purse, determination in my heart. The ten or so us waiting chatted about the horrors of Asheville DMV and the pleasantness of waiting here instead.

About two hours later it was my turn. I sat down and took out all my documentation only to learn I needed two forms of government ID, I didn’t have my SS card in my wallet. I was devastated. There was no way I was getting it today.

I came out and told my fellow pilgrims I didn’t have what I needed. Their empathy was balm. But I confess I still shed a few furious tears on the drive back.

Once home, I gathered my SS card, and also my passport and birth certificate and put all in my purse. There would be no more failures. But would there? Could I trust myself?

I had an idea that I would go to Asheville DMV in the afternoon once the morning crowd had been taken care of. How bad could it be?

Bad. I got there about 2. Out of 11 stations, only two were servicing people. There were at least 35 people sitting waiting and 15 people in line. Some had been there four hours.

I waited in line for 10 minutes to get some information. I can’t imagine how this man could stand the job. The big, cold, and gray room had the atmosphere of a prison, a grim dungeon where hopes die. I asked if I could make an appointment, he said there was availability in mid April. Six weeks from now.

It really felt like one of those maddening dreams where you don’t have what you need however hard you try, whatever feats you perform, and feels like life and death, trying and failing. I politely declined. I had updated my insurance from one state to another, so I needed a license soon. Can anyone wait six weeks?

And so Wednesday dawned. I had far less spring in my steps, and Bear in my heart, but I repeated the steps and arrived again in Marshall. Waited two hours again. Nice people in the waiting room again. And I got my license, after four attempts, two headaches, one upset stomach, and too many tears.

I can’t imagine having a job and having to take a whole day or two off, or going in with small kids, both of which I witnessed. Asheville’s Achilles heel, is the DMV.

I’ve fought the battle; it’s definitely an ice breaker here, to talk about with people and compare our scars.

Winter’s almost over though, this bear made it.

A week of spring weather has been, well, like spring and sunshine and blooming scented flowers. Walking to work my muscles feel more relaxed because it's not freezing and my pack is lighter. I was surprised to realize I'm walking over 15 miles a week, 60 miles a month...that's a lot of steps on the earth. I still want to do yoga or dance practices when I get home and I've struggled with being tired and when exactly to do it. I can't just walk in and begin. I'm tired and need to chill. Then there's a small window of when I might opt out and veg. It's a challenge. I'm a physical activity whore. I'm investigating coconut water today. Trader Joe's didn't have the brand I want-theirs is owned by Coke. Another trip to Whole Foods later toda.

I saw my friend P. this weekend, the one I went to Burning Man with, she came into town on Friday and we hung out on Friday night, munching and drinking wine and talking. She's 34 and I love recognizing my 34ness in her, we have great conversations. A plan for this year's Burning Man is taking shape. Her boyfriend only wants to go for a few days. I could drive to Reno, rent a big car, and P. and I go together and set up camp with our mates from last year who will secure a spot. We really want to enter together because last year, waiting in line, not knowing what to expect, being so excited was so fun and we laughed like crazy.

I'm mostly focused on the friends arriving in 11 and 12 days. The spring clearing and cleaning goes on. The more I pare down the more I want to get rid of. There isn't a huge load going to Goodwill, a lot is stashed in cabinets, for final review at a later time; a lot of paper has been recycled by now.

I'm obsessed with my gardening efforts and what a satisfying way to spend time it is. Years ago, in Tampa,I lived in a little detached cottage and had a fenced in patio and I spent hours, days and weeks planting and tending my flowers. That was the year of what I call locusts invasion. Huge grasshopper like creatures with bones and faces, stuck on every single living plant munching away. The horror, the horror. I don't like to think of that time. They were uncontrollable. I think I remember smashing one and never again. Spray didn't work. I shut the curtains on the sliding glass doors and felt icky knowing they were out there. Just one year I remember them.

I bought hot Thai pepper seeds and created a little green house in the corner of my kitchen on the counter. I divided the seeds between five pots and put a lamp in the center with a bright bulb and lightly covered the pots with saran wrap. I replanted my growing garlic and a couple new cloves. The garlic leaves seem a little weak, I'm not sure how upright they're supposed to be. The ginger isn't doing anything, but I moved it and the garlic to a warmer corner of the apartment, southwest sun. In May, I'll move the food stuff on the fire escape which gets full on eastern sun.

My orchids, flowering plants and standbys like peace lily (who still hasn't bloomed) ficus trees and philodendrons are happily thriving.

I'm very weary of reading about Republicans turning on the people and wondering if every candidate is simply a Manchurian candidate. The wars, the pretense they want us to believe that there is no money, the misleading numbers regarding unemployment, its all so relentless that I don't consider it news anymore.

I'm very focused on Santa Fe or Taos New Mexico. I see the cost of living is so much less there, but I haven't seen many jobs. I wonder how I'll actually get there, I have to figure out how to make more money so I can save some. In the next year, I 'll take a road trip to take a gander at where I think I'll be living soon.

Today, tons of laundry, more clearing out, getting ready for the work week. And on I go.

Current Mood: busy

The spring cleaning on a sunny warm day after errands continues. It's supposed to rain all next week.

My friends were working in a thrift store they're involved with that employs and benefits single mothers. After the final closing of my Chase bank account, going to my new bank and to the drugstore for stuff, I stopped in to say hi and saw some great stuff. I bought a really cool long knotted multi-strand, gold and silver colored necklace for $10. It says something. I believe in spending a little so I don't get into a persistent "lack" or "going without" state of mind, I think spending a little is expressing faith to the universe that abundance is infinite. So that was my little pleasure.

My friend would say anything I put on looks fantastic on me; he liked it a lot. Then a photographer came in and said she had just styled and shot something and that necklace would have been perfect and exactly what is going on now and if she had come in ten minutes earlier, she would have bought it. I liked that.

Today I'm tackling old paperwork, most of it having to do with the assault and all the insurance claims and receipts. Because that's what was taking up space in the next area/containers on my list.

I'm tossing all the old stuff except certain pertinent papers. I have a final appeal to the victim/witness compensation insurance for the tooth implant which was finally completed on Thursday. Tooth #14 is a big beautiful bionic tooth, The hole is filled, I know my smile is more even, I feel the inside of my cheek more filled out, I could feel my lips and tongue making the adjustment. It made me so happy to have it finished, a very physical and aesthetic boost. So now I have 3 letters from various dentists concerning the procedure, all my co-pays, statements, and I'll send that all in and fight them to pay for it. It's a few thousand dollars I could really use.

Going through the paperwork was mostly fine, the stuff I kept, I'm keeping for the memories, for the novel, for when I'm old, I don't know. I had a good cry that felt cleansing but exhausting, and now I'm really emotional, so I turned to my awesome resource, LJ. It was the ER medical report that brought on the tear-fall. Fucking bastard really fucking beat me up. (Big long slow chest lifting inhale, long slow, lower abs in exhale, and repeat, etc.)

Saw a t-shirt today: "Love more, fear less." There is not a thing wrong with that.

I took this picture yesterday while I was walking during my lunch break. I call it Spring Flag.

Current Mood: bittersweet

The world saddens me today. It's beautiful outside here today as Spring unfolds. Life and energy is visually in the air-the cool breeze blows in the hot sun, trees and plants bend and sway, pollen flies through the air, tiny golden orbs of life, small flurries of energy searching for a womb to grow. The earth continues to give herself to us, every season, no matter what we do. No matter how much we disrespect each other, no matter how brutally we treat her. She blooms lusciously, generously, with no fear, she continues to just be what she is, a potent profound source of everything that is beautiful. And then she teaches us, as the seasons evolve, what life is, naturally.

She doesn't punish us for fouling the ocean and murdering and torturing millions of sea lives. She doesn't condem us for fighting over her, as if we have anything to do with her letting us grow here. We have this gift of being here to express ourselves for a number of years yet somehow for reasons beyond my poor mind, humans put their faith and appreciaiton to having things and growing their bank accounts to produce things beyond what humans can consume.

Reactions must be as strong as hurricanes and tornedos and earthquates when a whiff of racism is signed into law. To protest loudly without fear against racism is the essence of "America" and it's the best part of humans. When "they" come to get people like me, I pray with all my strength that the protest is strong. I have to believe that humans who protect humans from unfair, frightening and selective processes, cross all political parties. I believe the same for those who cry out and fight against destroying our home, earth.  Politicsares just the infrastructure to how we live, it's the people behind the labels that feel and breathe.

Protesting a process is not affirming there's no problem. It's shining white light on how wrong the process is. Sometimes I think we've become so conditioned that we don't recognize that human injustice until it's exposed. Be thankful for those that expose it.

Thankfully, mercifully, leaders will meet and talk and negotiate and compromise on something to help alleviate the problem, and it starts because the protest is loud. That's the way it happens. Funny how I have faith in that. I won't let myself go down that other path until I have no choice.

Thankfully, mercifully, there are people who will shout out. What if they didn't?

Meanwhile, this moment, in a tiny corner of earth, poison is smothering life in the ocean, because although it's permitted to drill for oil a mile under the sea, there's no procedure to stop or slow a disaster that takes place there.

Our lovely earth keeps turning.