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When I thought there was going to be a trial in May, I started eating and working out as if I was in training. I couldn't sleep very well, but I made sure that when I should be sleeping, I was at least physically resting.  After my run-over-by-a-truck feelings and reactions of the preliminary hearing, I wanted to build up strength since I knew more what to expect.

I've kept up the 'training.'  I treat yoga like water-vital for survival, can't go more than 3 days without. I can feel my legs, core and arms getting stronger and firmer. Of course it smooths out the crunchiness in my shoulders and neck muscles too. I'm also walking and running, depending on what my knees say I can do that day. I haven't given in to the junk food cravingsand am eating really clean and a lot of it raw.

I lost some physical strenghth in the last year, part of it natural, part of it not, and now I just want to be strong and healthy. It's amazing how much better emotionally and mentally I feel when there's a lot space inside to breathe, twist, hold and stretch.

In other news, I registered with a temp agency that has a contract with the main hospital here, so I'm hoping something comes up fairly soon.

And, I'm having second thoughts about reading my thoughts at the guy's sentencing hearing. I just feel done, I'm sick of it all. I still feel that what the legal system said to me was, oh, it wasn't so bad what he did to you, he only deserves 12 years which means he'll be out on parole in 3 or 4. No biggie, case resolved nicely.

I don't know if it will do me good or will just be another icky thing to go through.  The process is for me, I don't expect anyone to really be listening. I have to go through this with the doc tomorrow. The hearing is in a couple weeks. I have to decide. I could write something and just have it in his file, it doesn't have to be read or the judge can read it.  What would you guys do?

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's, hugs to all the kids who miss their mom's and love to all who nurture.

Here are my babies-

openscarf: (pirate boots)
It's Sunday night, the minutes are ticking by, the rain is falling, the temperature is dropping.

Last week was hellacious. I worked on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with a puffy face and sore gums, but the clincher was the sick headache and lethargy from the anesthesia hangover, the vicadin, the ibuprofen and the antibiotic. I tried varying combinations of the vicadin and ibuprofen to manage pain and sleep. I think I was dehydrated and still am but am forcing water down. I've been eating great, it's just what I do, but for some reason when I'm not getting much excercise it's super hard to drink enough water.

I gave in and stayed home on Friday, I slept until noon and had to drag myself out of bed and all ready had a bad headache. But I needed to get out. I hadn't seen daylight in almost a week. I made myself presentable and drove to a big thrift store in a seedy part of a neighboring town. It was either that or BART into SF and I couldn't handle that. I found 2 great tops for under $2.50. One is a brushed cotten creme colored blouse with widely placed red and brown thin stripes, flattering neckline, hits just past the hips with a little shirt tail, the other is a crinkly brown patterned blouse with long poet sleeves that go over my hands, a little hippie drippy, super cute. After that I plodded through the grocery store for supplies and then crashed at home for the rest of the day and night, exhausted.

Saturday was a little better. Same headache. I colored my hair, gussied up and went to Walgreens where I spent a fortune on mostly girly beauty stuff, are you getting a sense of my therapy? After weeks of consideration, I got the Oil of Olay Pro X starter kit and was sold on the first application. No buyer's remorse. This stuff is gooooooooooood! Then I went to a grocery store known for it's produce across the street and bought some produce and those Lindt truffles that come in a pack that looks like a candy bar but are 18 bite size pieces.

I came home, on went the sweats, gave myself a pedicure and ate the bite size truffles.

Sunday, I felt more clear headed and the headache didn't kick in until mid afternoon. I got up early, did laundry and cleaned up, talked with my folks and then went to a big shopping area to start getting my dry goods for Christmas cooking and baking. And bought the Trader Joe's one pounder of chocolate. My personal favorite. Then I got my hair cut and I really like the direction it's going. I got more layers than last time and envision a flowing mane of mermaid hair soon, I'll just add that to the manifestation list.

These things make me feel better when I am in reality currently feeling like crap. I needed to take care of my mouth, but this procedure came at a very bad time for me, it would have been so much better for it to occur in another year or so. It triggered sad emotions and depression, it made me realize that I'm not bouncing back as quickly as I did before the assault, that the physical healing is compounded by these feelings into a fat ball of illness, weakness, fear, etc. I don't think my body nor my mind was ready to undertake this, but of course I didn't have much choice.

Last night I did a few stretches and backbends and exercises. Today I did 25 minutes of yoga and plan to at least several nights this week. I'm used to taking a good vigorous walk almost everyday, being in the sunlight, breathing fresh air, doing a strenuous yoga practice several times a week-moving and breathing. I'm down again, I didn't realize I would be this down, I knew I was anxious about it, but physically I thought I'd spring back quickly like I used to.

After the assault, I had a knowingness of unbreakable strength at my very core, even though I was wounded. Intellectually I know that strength is still there, but I can't tap into it. I just have to have the faith it's there.

I know I will eventually. I know my strength and energy will come back, I know my mood is temporary, but still....It sucks when the things you rely on to keep you buoyant are not attainable for a time.

So, clothes, hair, products, mani/pedi's, cooking, all while staying in budget are my life savers for now.


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October 2011

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