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Today in therapy I said the words I later read in [livejournal.com profile] dadadadio 's post, it is what it is. The meaning of that phrase to me is, that we have to accept whatever bs is going on, then go from there.

I'm in a kind of crappy space right now and my therapist helped me see why. Again, I'm anxious, have lost some self confidence, slightly fearful, I feel lost, lots of anxious energy in my chest and head, sad, depressed. I told her I didn't see how telling my parents helped me in any way, it only made me feel worse. She reminded me that I said it made me feel less lonely, but that was a week ago, that euphoria didn't last long, I still feel lonely and worse.

Things had been snow balling to this and it's the path I took, I just didn't know I'd feel so bad. She said the telling of the story again, opens me up to my own vulnerability, I'm not masking it or hiding it from them anymore. The story is alive again for that reason, also the hearing is coming up,where I will see this guy, the boundary setting with my sister, my teeth being pulled this Saturday. That's hard because I'm doing something that is directly related at this time to the assault, the first and exact place I was hit, being put under and out of control plus the usual dentist anxiety I have and there you go. Big fat snowball of intense emotions, iI don't have the distance I had from it, and now this second time around is different than the first.

I told her it was devastating to feel all these things again after regaining some strength to go backwards and feel this was disappointing and felt never ending. That it was so freakin hard to get through it, and it this point, it's just living with it, it doesn't go anywhere. She's great, agrees it's very hard, and it's ok to feel that. All valid, try not judge it, keep breathing, and I just have to get through it and take care of myself as much and as best I can. There's no solution, it is what it is. The validation helps, apparently this is all normal for trauma symptoms.

On a happier note, after emailing with sis today, I was surprised to learn that they are still going to do the NYE hotel bash, so I get my parents for NYE! I'll have them Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and will take them back to her house on Friday, they leave on Saturday. That's great. I'm enjoying looking and printing recipes, and can plan things to do.

I have yummy sounding recipes so far for:

pumpkin oatmeal raisin cookies (chocolate or no chocolate?)
homemade pizza
squash/mushroom lasagne

I'm leaning towards not having sis, her husband, his mother & possibly others over for dinner this time. I think this year may be a little different.

I'd rather eat lunch out with them, have sandwich stuff for my dad here, other than that he can be a good vegetarian. So this part is good.

It's super nice to just have 1 1/2 days of work left for this week.

The guy my friend at work is trying to fix me up with wrote and yay, he's a libertarian not a republican which I can stomach better. Not sure how far we'll get, but at least we're emailing.

chocolate or no chocolate? (I mean for me, now!)

blergh

Nov. 22nd, 2009 08:40 pm
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Yesterday one of my friends from the building and I went to the Farmer's Market together and planned for our little party later that night. She also bought some greens for the Thanksgiving dinner she's cooking. This particular stand had the most lucious greens-collards, and different types of kales. The leaves were big, ruffly, firm and so substantial. They were quite different than the other stands.

She picked up a half baked pizza from a little hot spot and I planned on making and serving hummus and flat bread and carrots, chips and guacomole, and a delicious boursault type cheese. I had extra stuff I'd gotten from the sample sale at work a few weeks ago that I wanted them to have, so I set up a disply on the dining room table; shirts, purses, jewelery bags, earrings, bracelets, necklaces. I had gotten a wine from Trader Joe's called Well Red-organic and tannin free and it was very good.

We told our stories, laughed, pumped each other up. They are 63 and 52, beautiful, powerful and intelligent women. Made me feel lucky.

They left around 11:30, I cleaned up and fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up, Home for the Holidays was on, with Holly Hunter and Robert Downey Jr. So I watched that, enjoying it very much and went to bed very late.

Today I felt very sad, not completely sure why. Eveyone knowing about the assault isn't helping me feel any better. My best friend from school days and I have been emailing and I emailed her today and told her. I know that people don't know how to react, they don't want to upset or trigger anything in me, plus they have their own feelings to deal with. It feels very blah and pointless to me, telling people. But it's out now. Smart caring people tell me it's good they know. Maybe I'll feel it soon.

I googled the name of the elderly lady who was killed across the street to see if anyone had been caught but there is nothing. I read the comments in the article about the assault on me. I do wonder if it's the same guy. So that wasn't really an uplifting period of the day.

Watered plants, did laundry, took a nap and went to yoga and here I am.

Waiting for the joy to come flooding in.

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