openscarf

Something about Christmas Eve day brings up the warmth and love and joy for me that I haven't felt up til now.  The Christmas songs sound beautiful.  There's no work traffic, half day at work, no one really here, forget the BS, move on, what really matters.    The Scrooge in me is thrilled that I didn't buy gifts this year.  This is the new me.  I'll donate money when I have it, I'll contribute to food banks regularly, etc.  I will be running around when I get out of here today, some groceries, some house stuff.  I'm baking tonight.  Very excited.

I want to enjoy the day tomorrow.  I want to feel joy.  I don't want to feel irritation, anxiety, defensiveness, sadness.  I want to be able to smile sincerely and maybe slightly absently, if someone says something I don't quite agree with.  At the most I want to say, 'hmmm, I'll have to think about that.' 

I want to retain this new found secret deep strength inside of me that I discovered.  It's mine and no one can take it from me; I have to believe that, I want to believe that; I know it's true.  I don't have to fear that anymore.  I can treat my sister with affection, with nothing invested.  I don't owe her my deepest thoughts or fears or have to feel obligated to help her through, what happened to me. When this all happened, I mistook her for a confidant, it's ok, I learned, she is not.  It's just who she is.  I want to forgive and forget, but keep her at a pleasing arms length.

With these thoughts in mind, this morning I drew a tarot card for the day and got the sun card.  Perfect.  I like the line in my book that says, 'you've survived the darkness now reach for the light.'

I wish everyone a peaceful and joyful day.  Merry Christmas to us all.