Up in the air

[openscarf]

 I was laid off today at 11am.  My position is being eliminated due to blah blah blah. I wish he had inserted the George Clooney, Up in the Air line about how everyone who has ever changed the world (set the world on fire?) has sat where I was sitting now. This is what I unfortunately have been waiting for since they laid the plan in August.  When they switched me to an entry level position, processing invoices that would soon be outsourced to an online company that stores all the documents, pushes the invoices to the particular department, and each department “processes” their invoices online. These are uploaded daily into our AP system.

At the time, they said this would relieve my stress and give me a chance to make new business partners. They wanted me out. When I asked to see the emails to my team that they said had an abrupt tone, I was told they were confidential. Funny, if I wrote them, why couldn’t I see these incriminating documents?  I’ve been through hundreds of emails and I couldn’t find them. And if abrupt tones were really causes for demotions, there would be very very few managers and executives in this place. Then my position was divided between 2 people, however my manager did the bulk of it. The person I “switched” with was promoted to a position she knew nothing about, but she also became the administrator of the online processing company. I knew then, just not when. But of course in the last couple of weeks, I knew it would be this week if at all since it was the last week of the fiscal year.

I started cleaning out my desk a few weeks ago, so it didn’t take longer than 5 minutes for me to pack up and walk out. No, I didn’t say good bye to people. Just the two I ran into. Texted and emailed once I left. Deposited my first check. I’ll get my second one after I sign something or other and mail it in. I had lots of vacation saved up plus my little severance so I’m ok for a few months. I figure at the very least, I’ll be temping soon. These last months, I have fine tuned my budget, I know where every penny goes and I’m pretty frugal, I’m confident I can squeeze by for a while.

I cried when I got home, but that emotion is gone now, for now anyway. Even thought I was expecting it, it's a powerful forceful blow. There are little fears that I’ll lose the few good friends I have there, be lonely and become socially inept and a hermit, but I just have to work to make that not happen.

It’s huge that I don’t have to fake it every day anymore, especially with that manager. A lot of poison, toxicity, garbage, pollution and smog are instantly gone and I get a fresh start at a new life. This last year has been life changing and affirming ; it wouldn’t be complete without a clean break from this company that daily had me feeling confused, betrayed,  hurt  and of no value. I think I handled it well these last several months and today, but now it’s all ready in the past. And I don’t have to do that anymore.

Comments

[gardengirl1.livejournal.com]

wow. i know you've posted about it for a while and you sensed it coming, but still..., wow.

that's great that you get some severance and have vacation time stored up that they'll pay out. i'll be keeping a good thought for you as you embark on your next journey, free from the toxicity that surrounded you at that company. so nice not to have to fake it anymore. it must feel a bit free-ing.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Thank you I so appreciate your words. And it is very free-ing, which is the really really good part. :-)

There are so many things to say.

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

I'll try to not make this too long, but you know me by now.

My favorite character in Up In the Air is played by actor JK Simmons. He's the guy Ryan Bingham suggested should go back to cooking school. That scene struck a chord with me. Few people see the opportunity in ending a career, or job. You get a fresh start. Why not pursue the passion you passed over as a youth? There was plenty of time to get around to that later. You needed a paycheck.

Now is later.

Secondly, the few people you consider friends will remain in touch if they're truly a friend. Otherwise they were just coworkers. I've come to accept this after several job changes. I still keep in occasional touch with coworkers from the 80's and 90's but they live far away. There are a few, not many.

This will sound odd. I have always been employed full time, since 1979. I have been laid off twice. In each case I was working again within two weeks. I always wanted to try temp work, getting my foot in the door of other companies to see what makes them work. I just couldn't take that over a full benefit job. I think a few temp jobs would be a learning experience.

If my wireless craps now, I'll be pissed.

I cried when I was laid off too. The first time was one day after I made an offer on my first home. No shit. What timing. James was two months old. The tears are natural.

It was no secret you hated this job and the job was not good for you. I read your blog. I don't believe you have a harsh tone in your writing but you do express yourself directly. I too am straight forward. Not everyone can handle the truth. The truth is not always pretty.

I don't know when this day will come, it could be weeks, maybe months. You will look back at this day as a milestone representing a bad era ending and a new beginning.

I look forward to that blog day.

If there was a hug emoticon I would be using it right here. ;)

Re: There are so many things to say.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Thank you. (hands on heart and a few tears in eyes)

Now is later. I agree 100 percent. I absolutely feel the new beginning opening before me. And I want to take advantage of and explore all that means.

I just wrote a sentence I like that you'll see later:
Faith is a bridge between imagination and manifestation.

Hugging back.

Re: There are so many things to say.

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

Confidence is the bridge between knowing you can do it and getting it done. Do you see the similarity and difference in our two sentences?

Re: There are so many things to say.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

I do.

Overall, my sentence has to do with less specific situations than yours, but the meaning is exactly the same.

I'm saying that I want to first imagine vividly what I want, lifestyle, creativity, finances, way to earn money, etc. and then have the faith, with no doubts that I can have these things. Once that energy is created and held, things start happening. Believing/faith makes it happen.

Your sentence is something I learned long ago but still apply to many situations. For instance, when I park my car, I now back it into the carport. We have a long narrow uphill driveway, with not a lot of room for the 3 point turn, to get it in backwards, in addition to not hitting my carport mate. I hate driving in reverse, I lose my balance or something. So each and everytime, I literally summon my confidence to ease in my space. As simple as saying to myself "ok, you can do it". Believing/confidence makes it happen.

What do you think?

[yummydeb.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that they treated you so badly over time, and have been there in that situation too. It's a strange mixture of fear or anxiety about the future combined with relief that it's over. It sounds like you've been planning ahead, and that's very good indeed. I hope it does provide you with the full clean break it sounds like you needed, and that much better things are in store. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm sorry you had a similiar experience. I'm constatnly amazed how the work place, a place we're brainwashed into thinking is looking out for us, can treat their 'human resources' so badly, with verbal abuse and creating hostile situations so glibly. All you have to do is read an employee handbook to see where their loyalties lie, with themselves of course.

I feel huge relief, but it hasn't really sunken in yet completely. I feel free, but that hasn't sunken in completely yet either. I'm looking forward to the easing in.

I want to work on honoring and appreciating the changes in my life, stop looking back and focus on what I want for this next round. Kind of what you did, I suspect and look where you ended up? :-)