Preliminary Hearing-it happened!

[openscarf]

I testified on Tuesday. I’ve written, read and said that sentence many times since and it still seems surreal. I don’t testify. That’s something that’s done on TV.

I had a feeling about Tuesday; I felt like it was going to happen and had the adrenaline going. Amped up and wired in my head, body very grounded.

Me, my advocate and Jason had a pleasant time in the waiting room. My DA asked me for more details on my injuries. That’s when I learned that we had to convince the judge of the severity of my injuries in order for the weighted charges to stick. The charges are something like attempted carjacking and robbery with grievous assault. The grievous assault weights the two charges and increases the sentencing if convicted. If anyone can explain this better to me, have at it.  I’d prefer the charge to be attempted murder, but they’re put in order of simplicity to prove, from what I do understand.

Jason and I were nervous. We played a lot of Word Warp on my iphone. He was very good. 

He looked at it as an opportunity to tell the truth about what happened. He told us how he’s received so many negative comments regarding what he did, regarding safety and his wife and kid. He doesn’t quite realize the miracle that he is. I love when he tells how for a split second he had 2 possible roads to take in his head. One to help me because he couldn’t believe the condition I was in and the other to chase the guy. He saw there were plenty of people there to help me, no one was chasing the guy, and they were watching him run down the driveway.  So he chased him. I love hearing how furious he was and he was telling that to the guy as they wrestled around.

He wanted our DA to ask him how the guy smelled. He was disappointed that I didn’t notice any smell. I feel lucky in this.

I hope the gallows humor is coming through. We were laughing a lot.

And then it was time to go to our courtroom. We all used the restroom and I really started getting nervous. Very amped up, less grounded. I kept breathing very consciously.

 

Outside the room, my advocate went over everything again, how we walk in, stop at the clerk, don’t give my street address, stop talking whenever someone objects, etc. She told me again how the guy would be sitting with his chair pulled all the way to the table. He couldn’t push it back. The armed cop would be directly behind him.

It was time. The team was pouring support into me. Jason gave me a long long hug and said not to worry, just tell my truth.

There was no bible. Is that just TV or has there never been a bible?

I had my raincoat, my purse and my water, my advocate carried my water. We sat down. I glanced at the guy to get it over with and I think our eyes met and that was enough for me. I didn’t sense any present threatening energy from him, he seemed like he had no energy whatsoever.  I can see how all the tricks of prison take away everything we take for granted.  It freaked me out that he was so much bigger than I remember, wider, like a big football player. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a small person.

I wasn’t grounded, but kept breathing. Only my hands were shaking. I held them together, in different little poses and had to concentrate on not spilling my water when I picked up my cup.

It was intense, disturbing, and dreamlike. It was very frustrating, with all the objections and strikes from the record. My DA had to rephrase his questions a few times. I could feel everyone’s compassion when I was able to tell what I remembered.

They wanted lots of measurements. How close was his face to mine? How wide is my carport? I held my hand up for the face measurement and they had to describe the space themselves. I had a lot of trouble saying how wide the carport is. I said at first that 2 cars could fit inside very close together. But my DA wanted the number of feet. I said I didn’t know. (my lack of good math knowledge is now on the record). The judge (I really liked her, very gentle, guiding everyone to use the correct lingo, especially to me) suggested I look at the courtroom and use something there as a model of the width. I started drifting out a bit as I looked all around seeing nothing that I could use a comparison. I didn’t know I was going to have to do these spatial calculations. I finally used the little bar/ledge in front of me and said, two of these. The judge said it was probably about 5 feet, so my car port in the record went down as 10 feet wide, I guess. This was awkward, but actually the most pleasant part.

Even though I’d seen the pictures, seeing them here and having to answer questions about them was intense.  We were focused on the pictures and what they showed. Where were you in comparison to this, what was to the right, to the left, was the left side of your face bigger than the right prior to this, etc.   I could feel the blood travelling in my veins.

I didn’t claim that I could identify the guy. At the scene that night, they showed him to me. They were holding him about 4 car lengths away, I was on the stretcher, head and neck strapped to the board and they turned me like a pig on a spit so I could see him. My DA said something like based on what you saw of him, could it be probable that he’s in this room. I said it could be probable.

Answering the public defender was horrible. She didn’t stand up in front of me. Since she was seated next to the guy, I couldn’t look at her. We’d been through this and I was assured it was OK. I looked at the court reporter or the judge. Once or twice I glanced in her direction as if I was looking at her. It was too hard though, he was right there. He was actually the person closest to me at their table.  I looked in my lap a lot too. She had a lot of long pauses while she shuffled her papers. It didn’t rattle me if it was supposed to. I appreciated the break. I was braiding the fringe on my scarf.

She was brutal. Answering something, I said I was hit in the face and that was stricken from the record as hearsay. As was saying what medical procedures I had.  I was allowed to say I had a CAT scan, but not a bone graft (in my gum). Her tone was without a trace of humanity. I could see how she was trying to diminish my injuries, which was beyond insulting and frustrating. But I had to hold it together.

When I said there were people sitting with me in the driveway, there were lots of questions on how well I knew them, then and later. (Most of them I didn’t know)  She asked about the “conversations” we were having then.  I was so insulted by the word and what it inferred and said, they weren’t exactly conversations. She said what were they? What were you doing? I tried to explain how I was trying to figure out what happened and she jumps in, oh you don’t remember what happened in the car? What you told us happened?

On and on. At one point,  when I couldn’t answer what I was feeling (my words kept getting stricken from the record). I remember looking at the judge for help, please help me. She looked at me kindly but that was all. I looked at my DA and he was either looking at his papers or at the PD. I wanted so badly to hear: Objection, badgering the witness! But I didn’t. I just looked down, I was so frustrated and worn down, and the PD finally said, you were upset.

Upset. Like I had a tiff with someone.  Upset and conversations. She very deliberately chose those words.

I think I didn’t say anything and she moved on. She tried to trip me up and get me to say something identifiable about his face. What about his hair, his facial hair, his eyes, his nose, his mouth. After she named each facial part, I said, I just remember a face, a black face. So I said that at least  10 times, because it was, Did you notice his eyes?  No, just a face.  Do you remember his eyes? I just remember a face. etc.

She kept asking how much time elapsed between this and that event. How long did it take for the cops to come? Did I give a statement at the scene? I don’t remember, I don’t know and I don’t remember. I guess she knew I gave the detailed statement at the ER.

It finally ended. Both the DA and my advocate said I did so good, but I was crying a little and said I did horribly and they said no, you did great. Jason and I spoke for a minute then he went in. My advocate sat with me, calmed me down and then I wanted her to go in and see how Jason was doing. I sort of got myself together while she was gone. I knew I had stuck to only what I could remember, the emotions and frustration didn’t matter, and I had been a good witness.  In a few minutes she came back out and said they were breaking for lunch and he’d have to finish after lunch.

My DA chatted for a second then hurried off to prepare. My advocate hung out for a few minutes then left.  Jason and I sat there a long time just talking about everything. How big the guy was. He was concerned he wasn’t going to be able to tell the whole story.

We finally left, he was going to get something to eat, and I was going home. It was raining and breezy and cold, but it felt wonderful in the air. We stood under the overhang for another 20 minutes talking.

I came home. The DA called around 5 and said we were successful, the charges stand and it’s on to the next phase. He said I could call him anytime if I had any questions even though it moves to another courthouse and another set of DA’s. The file travels. I thanked him a lot. He thanked me. He said we presented ourselves as good witnesses, only wanting to tell the truth about what happened.

I thought I’d be feeling more jubilant. I completely underestimated how I would feel physically and emotionally. I feel better today, but still feel as if I was hit by a truck 2 days ago. The loop is playing in my head. I’m not afraid, but I’m something. It’s a little dark, it’s cloudy, it’s not a happy place.

I talked to all my friends. My friend who just finished biking through Patagonia-Chile and Argentina is back and she stopped by on her way home yesterday. That was perfect timing.

I’ve been working too, for the paper. I didn’t do my best work, but I’m proud to say that yesterday and today I did produce something and it didn’t suck. That is all going good.

I decided to have a couple or more therapy sessions to get this processed. I was overly optimistic in how little I thought it would affect me or how quickly I would bounce back. You can’t under estimate that adrenaline thing, how could I forget?  Fight or Flight. Once it’s active, it stays awhile and as it leaves, the depth of the fatigue is staggering.

 

Comments

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

Having been through similar cross examination I'm very angry after reading this. I hate the dehumanization of victims and the assumption on the defense's part that a victim's account is inaccurate due to stress and trauma.

WTF? There would be no stress or trauma had your low life scumbag client not attacked me!

Sorry. I'll reply in a more constructive manner another time.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I made you feel anger, but it helps me to know that other people feel strongly about this. The system is inhumane. If you're angry for me, I need that now. ;-)

I haven't been able to think too calmly or analytically about it yet but part of me is trying to work out if the PD's style and my not buckling under somehow made our case better. And if it's intentional when they have to give a lowlife like him a defense...

I guess there's no way to do it humanely. It sucks cause it causes the victims a lot of bad stress that doesn't go away with a glass of wine and sleep.

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

I just lost my wireless connection and words to you after a long reply.......hence the angry ape avatar.

Of course I'm angry 'for' you. At any time did you feel as if you may on trial? I know you did. This is what angers me most about the judicial process ...... even when logical-me understands the difficult job of a public defender. How would you like her job?

My emotional side cannot forgive the defender for making me feel defensive when I was clearly of no fault or guilt. This is what you felt on the stand.

The perpetrator sits wordless and emotionless in the room. We face them again. The first event so random, this day so orderly. There is angst on both days, the first on a traumatic level, the second on a psychological. It's almost cruel.

Why does he get off easy in this phase of the process. I want to scream, "What say you man with the hammer?" andb tell the lawyer to shut up and let him speak.

Instead, you deal with a double offense of being beaten physically on one dark day and emotionally in public on another.

I wish I could thank Jason for being there for you, both times. Even in this there are glimpses of humanity.

Someday we can talk about the analytical view of this case. For every step of the process you will have a new perspective of our judicial system. While millions have been in the courts most citizens never stand in your shoes.

Yet we talk about justice every day.

[mollys-home.livejournal.com]

"The perpetrator sits wordless and emotionless in the room. We face them again. The first event so random, this day so orderly. There is angst on both days, the first on a traumatic level, the second on a psychological. It's almost cruel."

What an articulate, poignant and honest statement. Your entire comment entry opens my eyes to a side of "justice" I have never been a part of. Thank you for that and I thank you for being there for openscarf in such a meaningful way.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Thank you all. My LJ friends are the ones who know the most about the whole event and it gives me great comfort to hear from you, I really feel the connection which I needed.

Yes, dadadadio summed it up beautifully, I'd only change one word, and that's "almost". It is cruel and it's unusual.

If the defendant is sitting there, having to be completely passive, WTF do they put him closest to the witness? This is a "modern" courtroom. That's cruel.

The PD doesn't get up to speak to me so she becomes even more intimitdating because she's sitting next to the defendant who scares me. That's cruel. That's stategy.

To be spoken to in the way a public defender is trained to is counter to everything human and decent. It's rude, condescending and argumentative. It's cruel.

At first you think and others support this, that you're getting your day in court, a great noble thing, you will be heard, the truth will come out. You can tell your story.

Well, in the legal world, the truth they need to hear one way or the other, is extracted very painfully. If your words don't fit the mold, they're stricken. It feels aggressive, like blows, it's violent dialoge. The DA goes through it too, having to rephrase and rephrase and pray the witness doesn't mess up.

They force you to relive the entire episode without relief at the end. You leave with every trigger fired, in a tramatic state again. That's cruel.

I get the feeling and I could be wrong,that the legal beings, may be sure of the outcome, but I'm being sacrificed for it. Again.

I pray they have DNA evidence, I think I'd be spared the PD questioning.

Regardless, I'm glad the trial is far down the road.

Thank you again friends.

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

I've been through the process. It's awful. The lawyers attack your character, memory, poise and twist events in some sick attempt to make you slip up. I'm glad our friend got through this relatively unscathed.

[yummydeb.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like you did everything right, especially since you didn't know how you would react to so many stressors at once. I'm sorry you are feeling so dark and exhausted and I hope that those bad feelings lift and that you can process everything so that it eases.

But for the record, I think you did great.

*many hugs*

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you got that over with!

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

Every time I hear about the sort of thing you endured, I know again I could never do criminal defense work.

I am so proud of you. You did it. You made it all the way through this step.

That is huge, and shows just how far you've come in the past few months.

((hugs))

[mollys-home.livejournal.com]

I feel you handled yourself admirably. I am sorry you are feeling the after effects and I hope it will ease up. I applaud the way you responded. Any court appearances you will need to make in the future will find you prepared and ready to deal with the defense attorney and the entire load of questioning. I am an openscarf admirer!