Feb. 18th, 2011

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I'm really craving some alone time with my laptop. I can't go online where I'm working, I email and FB with my phone and read a little during down times, but not enough. I want to read stuff.  I miss writing too.

Weather forecast:   rain, wind, hail and cold, all week.  Really cold, lots of rain, of course lots of snow in the mountains and reaching the lower elevations. Our hills are green velvet.  It's so nice to be home, it's so nice that it's Friday.

I think my therapist is gently giving me the boot.  I guess that's an accomplishment. Apparently I'm utilizing my resources very well; staying grounded with lots of body work-yoga, belly dance and walking; spiritual practice, I'm in the world and dealing with everyday stressors.  I hadn't seen her since summer and made two appointments to check in and looks like I'm functioning well. Yay me.

Working with the social workers is very up and down, it's a fairly tense atmosphere at times. There are about 10 full-timers, half are middle aged, half are young. . Of course the middle aged ones are more experienced, more jaded and seem to have a stronger work ethic than the younger ones who seem to slide a bit and act overly important, from what I hear and sort of gather. I really like a few of the older ones, very cool people.

The manager favors the younger ones, say the older ones. The younger ones who are all friends, do not talk to me or the older ones. The person I'm filling in for, left in a big hurry I think, after some sort of huge confrontation with the manager. The manager can be very tense and angry and also pleasant and friendly. She's very overworked, managing staffs at two different hospitals. There are several union members being interviewed for my position in a couple of weeks. They have to be hired unless there's some huge red flag on them.

I'll probably be there until almost the end of March unless a better gig comes along before then, there is one I'm tracking that another agency has submitted me for.  I'm hoping this better and permanent gig comes along fast, in three months my Cobra costs skyrocket, I'll have to buy some huge deductible policy. I'm  trying to get everything done before that. Our gov't is awesome. 

I'm also really tired of the commute even though by normal commute standards it's nothing. But I've learned how much money can be saved when I walk to work.  Besides where I'm working now, the parking lot is ten minutes of walking away. When I walk in my door after 30 to 45 minutes in the car, I feel very low energy and blah. When I walk in my door, after walking home with people and nature, I feel so energized.

Reconnecting with my exboyfriend, who is still drinking has been very emotional and a real heart opener. I didn't realize I had him locked up in a tight little box in my brain. I let him out. I want to stay in touch and also keep my distance, he does too. He knows the drinking prevents anything more. I definitely do.

But communicating after 15 years...is other worldly, like past and present shifting before my eyes. Some peace has all ready been made and I feel a huge amount of gratitude that he is still an actual presence in my life. I can literally feel my heart melting and spreading and I cry easily after reading an email or thinking about him. It's also very sad because there's not much more we can do besides talk and write as long as he's where he is. It's an interesting dimension. I feel like I could paint it better than I can describe it, it's very absorbing to me.

So many new people, new things to learn, gov't in complete chaos, a feeling of constantly being new which I welcome and embrace, newness and change, and dreams and communicating. The world is so small!

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October 2011

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