(no subject)

Last night I met some friends at a place that was celebrating Mardi Gras. One of the couples are friends of my sister and her husband, that I met years and years ago. We get along great and there’s another woman in the group that I really like to, she’s actually the one that called. It was so fun. There were tons of people out; it was really festive. I had 2 big strong hurricane drinks and half a jello shot that appeared and we danced and danced.  I was hungover today and felt almost guilty that I could sleep in, loll around, eat hangover food and read all day. Sweeeeeeeet!

The woman half of the couple wanted to be sure I knew that my sister meant well and loved me, blah blah regarding everything that had gone down. I found myself talking about that more than I wanted to with her, although she gets what I was saying, as my sister’s friend too, she wanted to help, which I understand. She also confessed that she is more like me than my sister, which I know as well. It continued on a little in today’s follow up email saying what a good time we all had. 

Here I was explaining myself again, I felt compelled to make myself understood, that this happened to me, it affected others, but it happened to me, I think that barely sinks in to some people. I know it was hard for them; they could have gotten therapy as well. I can’t, at this point, work on getting better and past this and help them too. 

I don’t even tell people the specific things she said to me that were so uncalled for, from day one. I don’t tell them how the anxiety I was experiencing from my conversations with her was making me physically and emotionally ill. I told my sister, though as it was happening.

 It bothers me that some people are still expecting something from me in this area. To say, ok, I understand, its ok you meant well? I know she did, I’m not an idiot. Her approach sucked and it damaged me and now it is what it is.

 It actually is ok, because it’s in the past, my parents know, she’s forgiven, I stay in touch. She’s my sister, I love her, and I know she loves me. That’s all fine. It’s in the past for me, but there are consequences to how she was with me. I’m still uncomfortable knowing what I know about her now, how she was with me those months when I was at my weakest and not in my right mind. I’m not ready to hang out and act as if nothing went down. I expect as more time goes by, the trial is over and everything blurs, things will get easier for me, but now, they’re not.

Yet people expect me to do something, fix it.  How have I fucked up? I don’t understand what people think I have done. I had to get better, I wanted to get better. I had to build my confidence up again.   I have to keep myself from sinking down too far as the legal stuff drones on. She said to me, “that’s just the way I am”, so that means I have to right something because she’s immoveable? 

I wouldn’t mind hearing what you guys think, but I beg you be gentle with me if you think I owe her something here. I want to have an open mind.

My girls

Persia

Tasha

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(no subject)

 This week wasn't what I expected regarding contributing to the online paper.  I had a lot of positive feedback from the founder on the 3 stories I did last week, she said there'd be more assignments, but so far this week, nada.   We've communicated a bit, I forwarded her the nice email one of the interviewees wrote me, I mentioned a possiblility of a story I'm looking into (history of an old hotel, that has a nice restaruant, best view of Oakland, a "known" hidden gem).

I realize I'm pretty frustrated.  One woman (the one who rewrote my first story; no worries, I've let that go, I wrote her this week thanking her for her help and agreeing we should chat soon) seems to be writing about 80% of the articles.  She's definitely a journalist, good writer, but I'm not sure why she's writing everything.  I'm not sure why they held a meeting asking for contributors and help and offered coaching, training, etc.  It seems my expectations were extremely overly optimistic.  After that first week, I thought I'd get 2 or 3 assignments a week.  I don't want to have a blog on there, I want to have real byline articles, I want the exposure.

I'm not sure if it's because they're so short handed that it's hard to maintain control over every aspect and the main head honcho staff is busy covering the big city/political news, marketing, raising money, etc. and the entrenched contributors are simply grabbing all the stories because they can or possibly don't know who to assign to?  This is new territory that I want to tread carefully.  I feel a little foolish, so proud of my 3 stories while one person is practically writing the whole freakin paper. If that's their plan and what they want, so be it, I'd just like to know.  I have to get clear, without being obnoxious, fawning, etc.  I don't want to do nothing, because that seems like quitting to me and I really don't want to be in the position of so randomly waiting for something.

I held my tongue/fingertips today; tomorrow I'm going to write the 3 again, casually and say something like, I'd love to contribute more, I'm working on the hotel thing, is there anything they need help with?  Is it unrealistic for me to expect a couple or more a week?  Just so I know...

And then I just  have to keep looking around and keep writing stuff, so this time is best spent, this lovely free time.