(no subject)

[openscarf]

Last night I met some friends at a place that was celebrating Mardi Gras. One of the couples are friends of my sister and her husband, that I met years and years ago. We get along great and there’s another woman in the group that I really like to, she’s actually the one that called. It was so fun. There were tons of people out; it was really festive. I had 2 big strong hurricane drinks and half a jello shot that appeared and we danced and danced.  I was hungover today and felt almost guilty that I could sleep in, loll around, eat hangover food and read all day. Sweeeeeeeet!

The woman half of the couple wanted to be sure I knew that my sister meant well and loved me, blah blah regarding everything that had gone down. I found myself talking about that more than I wanted to with her, although she gets what I was saying, as my sister’s friend too, she wanted to help, which I understand. She also confessed that she is more like me than my sister, which I know as well. It continued on a little in today’s follow up email saying what a good time we all had. 

Here I was explaining myself again, I felt compelled to make myself understood, that this happened to me, it affected others, but it happened to me, I think that barely sinks in to some people. I know it was hard for them; they could have gotten therapy as well. I can’t, at this point, work on getting better and past this and help them too. 

I don’t even tell people the specific things she said to me that were so uncalled for, from day one. I don’t tell them how the anxiety I was experiencing from my conversations with her was making me physically and emotionally ill. I told my sister, though as it was happening.

 It bothers me that some people are still expecting something from me in this area. To say, ok, I understand, its ok you meant well? I know she did, I’m not an idiot. Her approach sucked and it damaged me and now it is what it is.

 It actually is ok, because it’s in the past, my parents know, she’s forgiven, I stay in touch. She’s my sister, I love her, and I know she loves me. That’s all fine. It’s in the past for me, but there are consequences to how she was with me. I’m still uncomfortable knowing what I know about her now, how she was with me those months when I was at my weakest and not in my right mind. I’m not ready to hang out and act as if nothing went down. I expect as more time goes by, the trial is over and everything blurs, things will get easier for me, but now, they’re not.

Yet people expect me to do something, fix it.  How have I fucked up? I don’t understand what people think I have done. I had to get better, I wanted to get better. I had to build my confidence up again.   I have to keep myself from sinking down too far as the legal stuff drones on. She said to me, “that’s just the way I am”, so that means I have to right something because she’s immoveable? 

I wouldn’t mind hearing what you guys think, but I beg you be gentle with me if you think I owe her something here. I want to have an open mind.

Comments

[yummydeb.livejournal.com]

I don't think you owe her anything. Or anyone else, for that matter. I think that people (like your sister and mine) tend to think that they can do or say whatever they want, and that once they are forgiven (for the sake of family peace or personal serenity), there should be no consequences. But life's not like that. If someone cuts me, I'll feel pain and bleed. Both will stop in time, but the scar will always be there, and when I look at that scar, I'll remember how that person cut me. I might have forgiven them ages ago, but the consequence - the scar - is still there. Whether that person likes it or not.

So, no, I don't think you carry any blame in this. People who say "it's just how I am" are really saying "...and I have no intention of changing even if it harms those around me." It's an excuse not to compromise at all, with anyone else.

I'm sorry that people are expecting you to help them deal with how they feel - about what happened to *you!* Argh. I wish they would understand your need to heal and to deal with this in the best way for you, and to find out their own ways of coping with their reactions.

*Hugs*

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

People who say "it's just how I am" are really saying "...and I have no intention of changing even if it harms those around me." It's an excuse not to compromise at all, with anyone else.

Exactly!

I can't figure out why people don't deal with their own reactions either. It's like this friend was saying, I understand and support you doing what you have to do (like I have done something 'wrong') but I just want you to know your sister really loves you and was very concerned for you and your parents.

As if her concerns were equal to or greater than mine and I have to factor them into my healing. No way. Grrr.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your thoughts.

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

No, you don't owe your sister anything. It's interesting to me that she must be feeling some angst about her attitude toward the violence you survived...she must have been talking at some length to her friend, in order for her friend to be carrying her torch when she saw you the other night.

If nothing else, that shows me who is the stronger of the two sibs. Your sister behaved badly toward you in a very stressful time for you. Now, she's rounding up her reinforcements to try and justify her stance. Having failed to receive absolution from you (the victim again, this time HER victim), she has sent someone else to do her bidding. That's cowardice in my view.

In the future, I wouldn't feel compelled to discuss this with anyone you don't want to...if Sissy sends more deputies to explain her actions, I'd just freeze them with "the look," and tell them that if she is as sure of her righteousness as they want me to believe, then she ought to be able to stand her own ground.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

You're right on again. I think every move I make is being judged by her and her husband as -Cynthia's still mad. Reduced to that. Can you believe it? I was definitely discussed over Christmas. And when they reduce it all down to me 'being mad', they perceive me as the bad guy, cause her intentions were good. Wow. I never realized it in those words before. That's BS.

She is a coward and that makes me sad. She can't bring up the subject or ask what I feel/felt, etc. It's like this will just live on, fade, but live on.

I know I MUST stop explaining myself. As I was speaking that night, I was also observing myself, wishing I had never started and wondering how to not get sucked into it. My adreneline starts pumping again too, and I hate that feeling. It triggers me being attacked again. It's like I can't stand the judgement I see in other people's eyes over this. I'm going to have to harden myself to it somehow. Your line is excellent. I'm putting it in my iphone so I'll have it for future if needed. I can't think on my feet, regarding this.

Thank you. ;-)

[gardengirl1.livejournal.com]

I know I MUST stop explaining myself. As I was speaking that night, I was also observing myself, wishing I had never started and wondering how to not get sucked into it. .... I'm going to have to harden myself to it somehow.

i know what you mean. i have a similar tendency - where i see and hear myself talking too much sometimes. if you're able to "see" the moment happening and don't want to be going down that road, it's 100% okay for you to stop yourself and say, ,you know what, i really don't feel like talking about this right now. and then stick your ground if ppl push you on it.

a good friend will let you stop, in my opinion. not everything is everyone else's business. some things are personal and you have every right to not talk about anything you don't want to.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Man, don't you just hate watching yourself blather one? LOL, thanks for sharing that. I think you're right. That would be an excellent time to stop, as you observe yourself. I find, in those times, I'm never really expressing myself the way I want to anyway. Probably all parties involved would appreciate it too... ;-)

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I don't know what happened with you and your sister, but I like what the other two comments say.

I have a self-righteous sister, too. When people who know us both ask me about her, I just say we are not in touch, so I don't know how she is. I don't go into detail about the things that she said and did. So I find it interesting that you were the one hurt, but your sister is the one "rounding up reinforcements", as sharpchick wrote. Her conscience must be bothering her, even though she wants people to believe she feels justified in her behavior.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

What happened between us is much like a post you had recently that got a lot of comments regarding how to behave/treat someone who's in trouble and just trying to heal, you were mediating between two people. I got alot out of that. I wrote a lot about my experience here in LJ.

My sister laid out her expectations, judged and criticized me, starting the moment she heard I'd been assaulted. I know her, I knew she was having trouble with it, who wouldn't? But as I came out of my healing fog buffer, I stood up to her more and more but the anxiety and triggers it was producing in me were like an attack all over again. I was a mess. I knew my stength and she was trying to control me. It came to a head when she wouldn't allow my parents to stay with me at Christmas unless I told them what happened. My parents are older and I didn't want to tell them until I had more strength and healing behind me. I didn't have the strength to convince them I was ok, yet. I do understand the intention behind this, but the way she went about it, not supportive, not helpful, not with me, telling me her concerns were more important than the state I was in, just with her ultimatum, was unacceptable. I did tell my folks, because I knew they're too smart for fall for the lame excuses I'd have to make otherwise. The fact that my parents had no qualms whatsover with staying with me, that they accepted the randomness of the act, that stuff can happen anywhere, deflated her a little I think. I think she wanted them to have the same fear that she did and they didn't. They have done nothing but give me 100% support for my process and decisions regarding it. That's the gist of it.

Yes, you're right, she wants people to believe that the ends justifed the means. I have to harden myself, as I wrote to sharpchick above and not get into it again with people. Good intentions or not.

I just marvel at how many of us have the same sister. ;-)

thank you.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I read your other entries tagged "sister" after I wrote that comment, so I understand the situation better, now. I am still confused about how she has a say over where your parents stay. They are not her children for her to be able to veto where they choose to stay, so I don't understand why you even felt obligated to discuss the issue with her, though I totally understand why she believed you were obligated...as others mentioned, it sounds as though she has serious control issues.

Anyway, the important thing is that you are standing up for yourself and living your own life. I'm glad you are!

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

She felt that they should have the right to make an informed decision. I was attacked in my carport in May, she wanted them to have the right to decide if they felt safe enough in my building and neighborhood to stay with me. She felt it was too dangerous for them to stay, if they didn't know and accept the risk I guess.

If I didn't tell them exactly what happened, she would. She also kept tabs on crime in the area which was the usual urban crimes of car theft and muggings. I don't live in a neighborhood that sees violent crime on any kind of regular basis. (plus the guy was put in jail, that night and has been there ever since) She was armed with this.

She brought this up to me 3 days after the assault-the first time she visited- and kept up a steady campaign. I can't tell you how this affected me, I shook, the adrenaline got going, my heart raced and pounded against my chest, my head felt like it was bursting. I was in tramatic shock. I kept telling her I wasn't ready and to stop bringing it up and I made myself stop thinking about what was in the future as my biggest task was to get through each moment of the day.

I told her to stop contacting me in about September, told her I needed space from her telling me what I needed and should be doing and criticising and insulting me, so I focus on getting better But in December I couldn't avoid it any longer. I worked alot with my therapist regarding it.

I knew the information would break my parents hearts. You know how older people get, it's different than when they were even in their 70's. I didn't want my story told by her, along with her opinions and her perceptions of what I was going through. I wanted to be able to spare my parents as much as possible because of course I worry about their health. To hear it second hand, and make me look like I wasn't capeable was just wrong. So I told them.

Does this make sense? I appreciate you asking.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Yes, it makes sense: she is pushy, and her timing is awful.

Good luck with the court case. I hope justice prevails.

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

The replies above touch on points I considered as I read your post.

When someone hurts me I tend to be upset, angry, whatever emotion strikes ...... but I get over it quickly if this person is not usually hurtful. As yumdeb said, if they say ""it's just how I am" they are acknowledging their uncaring insensitive nature. I will not get over it so quickly. They KNOW they're being hurtful. I will get over my friendship with them. I'm finished.

I know this is easier said than done when a sibling is involved but you can limit your exposure to her.

Sharp's use of 'carrying a torch' was spot on. As I read your account I thought, "Wait a minute. How much behind the back chatter is going on between your sister and her friend regarding your experience and difficult recovery?" To have this friend (I suspect she meant well) speaking partly on behalf of your sister seem off base to me.

If your sister has explaining to do I suggest she get on the phone and start talking in a different tone.

You owe her nothing. From the beginning I thought she and my ex were separated at birth. You can't allow people like that to manipulate your life and happiness. Every thing that happens has to be about them.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I used to wonder why she couldn't speak about this directly to me either. Why she wouldn't do the most basic and simple thing, ask me how I feel, and then listen without judging me. How the hell does she think there's one right way, her way, to do what I did as if it was a mundane event and not a violent assault?

I think it's because she won't back down as everyone has said. She thinks she's right and didn't do anything wrong. Something is nagging at her tho and if she talks enough to mutual friends, the bro-in-laws, etc. then they'll try to convince me that her intentions were good and she loves me. I don't need convincing of that. I know that. But to be so rigid and in denial that you can't even try to hear what someone in pain is saying, repeatedly, then...

I have to stop explaining, pure and simple, but really hard. I guess that's the hurt part of me. I'm bucking up as we speak. ;-)

[gardengirl1.livejournal.com]

you don't owe your sister anything, in my opinion. she is who she is and it is what it is.

the other thought i had is kind of in response to some of the other comments about your sister's friend being her spokesperson. granted, i wasn't there and don't know any of the people involved, but unless the friend told you that your sister asked her to say blah blah blah, your sister may not even know that her friend talked to you about it. no idea if that's probable, but it's possible.

anyway.... glad you had fun the other night! :) have a great weekend! :)