(no subject)

[openscarf]

Last night I met some friends at a place that was celebrating Mardi Gras. One of the couples are friends of my sister and her husband, that I met years and years ago. We get along great and there’s another woman in the group that I really like to, she’s actually the one that called. It was so fun. There were tons of people out; it was really festive. I had 2 big strong hurricane drinks and half a jello shot that appeared and we danced and danced.  I was hungover today and felt almost guilty that I could sleep in, loll around, eat hangover food and read all day. Sweeeeeeeet!

The woman half of the couple wanted to be sure I knew that my sister meant well and loved me, blah blah regarding everything that had gone down. I found myself talking about that more than I wanted to with her, although she gets what I was saying, as my sister’s friend too, she wanted to help, which I understand. She also confessed that she is more like me than my sister, which I know as well. It continued on a little in today’s follow up email saying what a good time we all had. 

Here I was explaining myself again, I felt compelled to make myself understood, that this happened to me, it affected others, but it happened to me, I think that barely sinks in to some people. I know it was hard for them; they could have gotten therapy as well. I can’t, at this point, work on getting better and past this and help them too. 

I don’t even tell people the specific things she said to me that were so uncalled for, from day one. I don’t tell them how the anxiety I was experiencing from my conversations with her was making me physically and emotionally ill. I told my sister, though as it was happening.

 It bothers me that some people are still expecting something from me in this area. To say, ok, I understand, its ok you meant well? I know she did, I’m not an idiot. Her approach sucked and it damaged me and now it is what it is.

 It actually is ok, because it’s in the past, my parents know, she’s forgiven, I stay in touch. She’s my sister, I love her, and I know she loves me. That’s all fine. It’s in the past for me, but there are consequences to how she was with me. I’m still uncomfortable knowing what I know about her now, how she was with me those months when I was at my weakest and not in my right mind. I’m not ready to hang out and act as if nothing went down. I expect as more time goes by, the trial is over and everything blurs, things will get easier for me, but now, they’re not.

Yet people expect me to do something, fix it.  How have I fucked up? I don’t understand what people think I have done. I had to get better, I wanted to get better. I had to build my confidence up again.   I have to keep myself from sinking down too far as the legal stuff drones on. She said to me, “that’s just the way I am”, so that means I have to right something because she’s immoveable? 

I wouldn’t mind hearing what you guys think, but I beg you be gentle with me if you think I owe her something here. I want to have an open mind.

Comments

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

The replies above touch on points I considered as I read your post.

When someone hurts me I tend to be upset, angry, whatever emotion strikes ...... but I get over it quickly if this person is not usually hurtful. As yumdeb said, if they say ""it's just how I am" they are acknowledging their uncaring insensitive nature. I will not get over it so quickly. They KNOW they're being hurtful. I will get over my friendship with them. I'm finished.

I know this is easier said than done when a sibling is involved but you can limit your exposure to her.

Sharp's use of 'carrying a torch' was spot on. As I read your account I thought, "Wait a minute. How much behind the back chatter is going on between your sister and her friend regarding your experience and difficult recovery?" To have this friend (I suspect she meant well) speaking partly on behalf of your sister seem off base to me.

If your sister has explaining to do I suggest she get on the phone and start talking in a different tone.

You owe her nothing. From the beginning I thought she and my ex were separated at birth. You can't allow people like that to manipulate your life and happiness. Every thing that happens has to be about them.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I used to wonder why she couldn't speak about this directly to me either. Why she wouldn't do the most basic and simple thing, ask me how I feel, and then listen without judging me. How the hell does she think there's one right way, her way, to do what I did as if it was a mundane event and not a violent assault?

I think it's because she won't back down as everyone has said. She thinks she's right and didn't do anything wrong. Something is nagging at her tho and if she talks enough to mutual friends, the bro-in-laws, etc. then they'll try to convince me that her intentions were good and she loves me. I don't need convincing of that. I know that. But to be so rigid and in denial that you can't even try to hear what someone in pain is saying, repeatedly, then...

I have to stop explaining, pure and simple, but really hard. I guess that's the hurt part of me. I'm bucking up as we speak. ;-)