(no subject)

[openscarf]

Last night I met some friends at a place that was celebrating Mardi Gras. One of the couples are friends of my sister and her husband, that I met years and years ago. We get along great and there’s another woman in the group that I really like to, she’s actually the one that called. It was so fun. There were tons of people out; it was really festive. I had 2 big strong hurricane drinks and half a jello shot that appeared and we danced and danced.  I was hungover today and felt almost guilty that I could sleep in, loll around, eat hangover food and read all day. Sweeeeeeeet!

The woman half of the couple wanted to be sure I knew that my sister meant well and loved me, blah blah regarding everything that had gone down. I found myself talking about that more than I wanted to with her, although she gets what I was saying, as my sister’s friend too, she wanted to help, which I understand. She also confessed that she is more like me than my sister, which I know as well. It continued on a little in today’s follow up email saying what a good time we all had. 

Here I was explaining myself again, I felt compelled to make myself understood, that this happened to me, it affected others, but it happened to me, I think that barely sinks in to some people. I know it was hard for them; they could have gotten therapy as well. I can’t, at this point, work on getting better and past this and help them too. 

I don’t even tell people the specific things she said to me that were so uncalled for, from day one. I don’t tell them how the anxiety I was experiencing from my conversations with her was making me physically and emotionally ill. I told my sister, though as it was happening.

 It bothers me that some people are still expecting something from me in this area. To say, ok, I understand, its ok you meant well? I know she did, I’m not an idiot. Her approach sucked and it damaged me and now it is what it is.

 It actually is ok, because it’s in the past, my parents know, she’s forgiven, I stay in touch. She’s my sister, I love her, and I know she loves me. That’s all fine. It’s in the past for me, but there are consequences to how she was with me. I’m still uncomfortable knowing what I know about her now, how she was with me those months when I was at my weakest and not in my right mind. I’m not ready to hang out and act as if nothing went down. I expect as more time goes by, the trial is over and everything blurs, things will get easier for me, but now, they’re not.

Yet people expect me to do something, fix it.  How have I fucked up? I don’t understand what people think I have done. I had to get better, I wanted to get better. I had to build my confidence up again.   I have to keep myself from sinking down too far as the legal stuff drones on. She said to me, “that’s just the way I am”, so that means I have to right something because she’s immoveable? 

I wouldn’t mind hearing what you guys think, but I beg you be gentle with me if you think I owe her something here. I want to have an open mind.

Comments

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I don't know what happened with you and your sister, but I like what the other two comments say.

I have a self-righteous sister, too. When people who know us both ask me about her, I just say we are not in touch, so I don't know how she is. I don't go into detail about the things that she said and did. So I find it interesting that you were the one hurt, but your sister is the one "rounding up reinforcements", as sharpchick wrote. Her conscience must be bothering her, even though she wants people to believe she feels justified in her behavior.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

What happened between us is much like a post you had recently that got a lot of comments regarding how to behave/treat someone who's in trouble and just trying to heal, you were mediating between two people. I got alot out of that. I wrote a lot about my experience here in LJ.

My sister laid out her expectations, judged and criticized me, starting the moment she heard I'd been assaulted. I know her, I knew she was having trouble with it, who wouldn't? But as I came out of my healing fog buffer, I stood up to her more and more but the anxiety and triggers it was producing in me were like an attack all over again. I was a mess. I knew my stength and she was trying to control me. It came to a head when she wouldn't allow my parents to stay with me at Christmas unless I told them what happened. My parents are older and I didn't want to tell them until I had more strength and healing behind me. I didn't have the strength to convince them I was ok, yet. I do understand the intention behind this, but the way she went about it, not supportive, not helpful, not with me, telling me her concerns were more important than the state I was in, just with her ultimatum, was unacceptable. I did tell my folks, because I knew they're too smart for fall for the lame excuses I'd have to make otherwise. The fact that my parents had no qualms whatsover with staying with me, that they accepted the randomness of the act, that stuff can happen anywhere, deflated her a little I think. I think she wanted them to have the same fear that she did and they didn't. They have done nothing but give me 100% support for my process and decisions regarding it. That's the gist of it.

Yes, you're right, she wants people to believe that the ends justifed the means. I have to harden myself, as I wrote to sharpchick above and not get into it again with people. Good intentions or not.

I just marvel at how many of us have the same sister. ;-)

thank you.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I read your other entries tagged "sister" after I wrote that comment, so I understand the situation better, now. I am still confused about how she has a say over where your parents stay. They are not her children for her to be able to veto where they choose to stay, so I don't understand why you even felt obligated to discuss the issue with her, though I totally understand why she believed you were obligated...as others mentioned, it sounds as though she has serious control issues.

Anyway, the important thing is that you are standing up for yourself and living your own life. I'm glad you are!

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

She felt that they should have the right to make an informed decision. I was attacked in my carport in May, she wanted them to have the right to decide if they felt safe enough in my building and neighborhood to stay with me. She felt it was too dangerous for them to stay, if they didn't know and accept the risk I guess.

If I didn't tell them exactly what happened, she would. She also kept tabs on crime in the area which was the usual urban crimes of car theft and muggings. I don't live in a neighborhood that sees violent crime on any kind of regular basis. (plus the guy was put in jail, that night and has been there ever since) She was armed with this.

She brought this up to me 3 days after the assault-the first time she visited- and kept up a steady campaign. I can't tell you how this affected me, I shook, the adrenaline got going, my heart raced and pounded against my chest, my head felt like it was bursting. I was in tramatic shock. I kept telling her I wasn't ready and to stop bringing it up and I made myself stop thinking about what was in the future as my biggest task was to get through each moment of the day.

I told her to stop contacting me in about September, told her I needed space from her telling me what I needed and should be doing and criticising and insulting me, so I focus on getting better But in December I couldn't avoid it any longer. I worked alot with my therapist regarding it.

I knew the information would break my parents hearts. You know how older people get, it's different than when they were even in their 70's. I didn't want my story told by her, along with her opinions and her perceptions of what I was going through. I wanted to be able to spare my parents as much as possible because of course I worry about their health. To hear it second hand, and make me look like I wasn't capeable was just wrong. So I told them.

Does this make sense? I appreciate you asking.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Yes, it makes sense: she is pushy, and her timing is awful.

Good luck with the court case. I hope justice prevails.