openscarf

This past week I went out on Wednesday and Thursday to catch up with two different friends. My Wednesday night date was a newer friend from the last year and a half. I've mentioned her here. She is in marketing, is as green as can be, very active in her small community, travels constantly and has the ability and knack to bring all kinds of people together. She and her partner redid a loft with almost all recycled and all green materials, art, etc. We had a great time. I had a beer at a little hot groovy place next door to where we were meeting, it was just a couple blocks from work, so I strolled over.

A few people were running around downtown saying the world was going to end 'tomorrow' that would have been May 12, 2011 and they had jackets with that printed on them and were handing out pamphlets. I declined the handout and felt fine about things if this was my last night. While having my beer, I was chatting with the other bar patrons and told them that. Apparently the 'real' end of the world is May 21, 2011 or 2012. Maybe they just use all equations that are similar to the ?Mayan calendar to get everyone to, I don't know what. What do they want us to do? I don't want to even research it. I guess this was some break-out sect of the enders.

My friend found me and we went next door to a charming and beautifull Mexican place and had the best visit, great catch-up, laughed and laughed. It was a very in-sync time, good energy and left me feeling happy. She gave me a ride home and came up, took a book with her (Carter Beats the Devil) and went on her merry way.  She has another big project coming up that she may need some copy writing and administrative help with, which would be fantastic for me. I'm hoping. It also has to do with Native Americans, which I found very synchronistic as my thoughts and energy are going in that direction lately.

My Thursday night meet-up was with a friend I've known since my last job, several years. We're not that close and I had almost written her off, we've been up and down in the friendship arena. More times than I can count, she has made tentative plans with me then either 'forgotten' or is 'too busy' to pick a time to meet. I have to admit I don't really like this friend very much. I don't dislike her enough to drop her completely but once a year may be enough of seeing her. Is that weird?  Sometimes I think my writer's mind likes to stay in touch and observe these things that make no sense.

We were going to meet at one very hip place that is too cool for us, but the group I used to write for was having a mixer there and then we were going to a place around the corner that specializes in naturally made wines, some of them orange. Intriguing I thought. Again I walked from work and got to the the hipster place, obviously too early although after the the start time, they were setting up and no one was there. I didn't want to be there at all. I walked to the natural wine place and texted my friend I was there instead.

I had a very pleasant conversation with the young owners and heard about their wines and had a pale orange, floral yet dry white wine. It was different and delicious. I took a really cool picture of  my glass of wine, we became facebook friends and he wanted me to post it which I did. Then my friend came, and I swear the energy changed a lot. The owner kind of drifted off which was fine but notable I thought.  I think my friend had a wall up. She is quite knowledgeable about wine and I think she was a little stand-offish to the owner.

She just bought a very cool looking condo around the corner from me for a great price, it was a short sale, she's doing well at work, talks about her busy-ness like it's a handicap, like she has done since I first met her,  I said, just accept it, you like to do a lot of different things, you're an extrovert.  She said, I know I know. We did have a pleasant time, but about half way through I felt uneasy, it isn't a true friendship I think. I think there is a lot of work baggage in there, we didn't discuss much at all about work which was nice, she told me a few present day stories that were fun and gossipy. At the end of that night, I felt a sense of unease, like things didn't go well, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I guess the point of this, because it may be hard to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say, is that our associations with people can be very different and based on how much we're craving some company, people find us or we find them and then its an hour or two of our lives.

All in all it was a social little week for me and I enjoyed myself and my observations.

Here I sit at 5:45am, sipping coffee on a cool, as in not cold morning we're having a warm day today, it's intoxicating; reading news, FB, LJ. The muscle under my left shoulder blade is completely tweaked, I have a hot herb filled pad on it. I fell asleep on the sofa last night, gotta quit doing that. I miss my acupuncturist, but it's not in the budget. I can imagine the cups on that muscle providing relief. Maybe imagining will make it so.

Temping still. It's interesting that I'm in the same atmosphere, that of a department that will disappear soon and not knowing when your time is up. Since the pay has been low, saving has been impossible except for a few weeks of groceries.

Must. Have. Faith.

I haven't written or said a word about bin Laden yet. I'm not going to say much, however, my first thought on Sunday night was, why does this matter anymore? I didn't watch the news that night.

Monday I felt somewhat queasy at the mass celebrations of the reported death. I'm not defending bin Laden but something in me doesn't celebrate anyone's death, like that.

I wonder about the reports we're being told. Because I don't trust my gov't and corporate interests and I've read, in the past, much about this guy, the story seems like a good story, but it doesn't feel right.

I will basically stay quiet on this. What I have noticed is that many are staying quiet. What can be said? I don't want my strings pulled by gov'ts.

Back to the morning. I'll take my nine pots of fledgling hot pepper, dill, garlic and avocado plants out to the fire escape, they're hardening up nicely. I think the eastern exposure is going to be fine for most of the plants. The all ready grown basil is doing well. And I can see my forget-me-nots poking through, about 5 last night. My babies.

Today, this moment, is an adventure, I just have to see it.

Well, I didn't write last night, lost all my juice after speaking to a very nice woman from the IRS helping me set up my payment plan. The fact that my meager (to them) huge (to me) tax bill goes to defense galls me. And that is why people want to leave here, that and the challenge of health care if not permanently employed.

My friends recommended a new show to me, Doc Marten, which I loved, I watched that then fell asleep. So be it.

Another day. I find myself wanting to write more in here despite or in spite of the fact that it's just sort of my journal and a lot of my friends left or have issues with LJ or just are not interested in my musings. It reminds me of starting fresh with it. If feels like a personal blog instead of community of fellow diary writers. At this moment I'm fine with it. I'm interested to see what evolves if I stick with it, like the long long term LJ'ers and see if new friends appear.

I envy my friends who get rollicking conversations going on their posts and I think you know who I'm talking about, you. ;-) But then again, I like this public/private writing for now.

To the day! I supposedly get a new computer today after 2 months of working with one that is half broken, painfully slow and has caused much frustration. My immediate supervisor, I cannot figure him out. He treats women as a second class, some say it's his culture. A guy who came after me got a computer right out of "storage." For some reason I have been waiting on a rebuilt one. Yesterday I gave up my good naturedness and let my frustration show and out. My friend thought I should have done it in private, but there is no private there.It's cube land.  When I go to his desk, he ignores me or blows me off. And she had a public thing with him just weeks ago. Mine was quiet and honest. I came to this place to work. This is a HUGE international company. The fact that I was put off for 2 monthis is something I just have to accept. That new freakin computer better be there today. Otherwise I'm going to look as if I'm not producing or able to do new things since nothing opens properly.

Oh well. Sun for days forecasted!

Happy -  Alban Eilir, Easter, Eostar, Eostre, Feast of Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Festival of Trees, Lady Day, NawRuz, No Ruz, Ostara, Ostra, Rites of Spring, and the Vernal Equinox.

I had Friday off this week---what's another unpaid day off? I needed to sleep after my whirlwind fantastically fun time with Bestie and very little sleep Sunday night which made the week feel so loooooong. I dozed off several times at my desk. All caught up now!

What a gorgeous weekend I had. I'm gardening up a storm. I'm very into the urban gardening, using the fire escape, plastic and tin containers, challenging the odds of what can and can't be grown, my kitchen greenhouse, giving up my dining room table to hold all my pots, I'm in heaven. My hot pepper plants are still inside and about 2 inches, but I moved them out to the table where they get general light all day and then about 3 hours of late afternoon light full on. Forget-me-not seeds are on the fire escape in an old small kitty litter box, they supposedly can handle shade and cool weather. I have dill and oregano started indoors, still struggling with ginger, one very strong garlic plant whose stem I use like scallions, the avocado is not dead plus the usual houseplants and orchids in the bathroom. I love the smell of the wet dirt and all the green and life and potential life. So fun!

I went to what I think is my final b'day celebration last night with two dear old friends and one of their friends that I see about every year. Three of us have our birthdays one right after the other. They had a great spread laid out and we laughed and drank champagne and had an all around really fun night. I wore a very old dress of mine that I bought in about 1990, it's beautiful and unique. It has a form fitting bodice with a scoop neck and back and then a big flowing skirt, it's forest green and is jut one of those different things you buy and keep forever whether you wear it or not. I wore it my first NYE's out here but not since. It's like having vintage in my own closet.  A definite perk of getting older.

On a more pensive note, I wonder why I'm not dating. Do I not really want to? Is it where I live? Am I completely unloveable and difficult? I meet fantastic women and people but not potential "dates" or "mates" or "lovers." I think I want to. I can't figure out what my road block is. Am I in denial of the huge brick and cement wall that I've possibly erected? Am I Katy in "The Way We Were"?

Other than that I don't give a rat's ass about the other "problems" like bills and jobs. I'm so freakin happy, why? Who cares!!  Crazy post I know, but its Spring and we're supposed to go all crazy on ya!!

Oh yeah, life! I love this-

She opened the front gate, pushed up her clear bubble umbrella and put on the other fleece glove. Light rain, cold breeze, just another day, she thought, as she ambled down the street. Once she turned west, strong gusts of wind pushed steadily at her, head on, to the left and then to the right. She deftly as possible turned the umbrella into the direction of the gusts, and focused on not losing her balance and blowing far away or into the street.

Wielding the umbrella as if it were a metal shield deflecting arrows, she sucked her lower stomach into her spine, bent forward  slightly and focused on the strength in her legs, keeping her knees soft and placing one foot after the other, heavily and steadily, on the streaming and puddled ground, trying not to tumble and roll into the street as the wind whipped around making her skin tingle, her muscles work hard and smoothly and every cell of her being feel alive and strong.

Usually along the lake it was less windy than it was closer to work, which was nearer to the bay. She turned onto the path by the lake, and instantly wished she was across the boulevard with solid buildings on one side for protection.

As the cold wind pushed her side to side, and then back, she stumbled slightly and marched on, laughing. What could be more exhilarating than this lusty, gusty, cold fresh morning playmate?  She had no idea this was going on this morning. What had they been babbling about on the radio this morning? Not this.

She saw herself blowing into the lake, sailing with her big umbrella.  What would that beautiful little black and white duck think? She pictured herself and her fellow adventurers rising straight up in the air with their umbrellas like Mary Poppins and then soaring away. What was the song that went with that scene? All she could think of was 'Chim Chimeny Chim Chimeny Chim Chim Cherroo', which she sang in her head and laughed out loud, trudging along,

 Cold, ridiculously windy, rainy, this was the most exciting, fun, slightly terrifying, blustery, challenging awe inspiring morning she’d ever had. This was living in the moment.

 She made her way off the lake and was downtown; she aimed the tip of her umbrella straight ahead to shield her face and body from the (she later learned, 20-45 mph) gusts. People with less sturdy shields had given up carrying them. Her fingers and hands were aching from holding on so tightly to the handle of the umbrella; her fleece gloves had no traction. The smooth handle slipped around between her grip but she dared not let go.

 Three minutes from her building, she entered a wind tunnel between two buildings that caused her to almost flip backwards. Smiling gamely, bracing with all her strength, she eventually turned into slightly calmer air and shut her umbrella and walked the last block swiftly to her building, revolved through the door and relaxed in the shelter of walls.  Every morning should be that fantastic, she thought as she rode the elevator, her coat dripping, heart pumping, and cheeks glowing.

I'm trying to fight the urge to come home from work and bundle under the sofa with the clicker and a book. So, a post.

At work, there's a guy I went out with on one Match.com date. I knew he worked there, but I thought he was at another office, near where we met. The meeting was strange, we were different. He thought I was a little urban and progressive for him. I thought he was interesting and kind of handsome, even though he was conservative. I remember him being awkward as hell and I think he was trying to get out of the first meeting but I texted him on the day to push it.  He lied about the town he was from so he could meet what he perceived of as better people. That was stunning to me. We decided to meet again, we texted when we got home and then he cancelled in an email. That may have been my last internet date.

I was surprised to see him at work and was shocked to see he's gained a lot of weight. I don't know if he recognized me, but I sure did him. The energy of all that kept him coming around to my part of the office, us running into each other, or at least being in the breakroom at the same time. I think we're just pretending at this point. I think he likes what he sees. I try not to laugh and am playing it oh-so-cool. It's fun.

I was filling up my water yesterday, quietly, and he was at the sink washing strawberries. He asked me if I wanted a big beautiful fresh strawberry.  Yes, of course, thank you, I said. Where's the chocolate? He pretended to look in the fridge.  Sex-ay me thinks.

I want to worry about money so I'm trying not to. I want to be lazy but I'm going to put in my belly dancing dvd and start learning an actual dance.

That's about all I got for now.

Yesterday I began feeling really anxious. One of my friends on FB is a very smart guy and has his own nonprofit that helps plant gardens at schools and homes, and he runs a small but good farmers market. He was posting so much about preparing for radiation exposure and the next earthquake; it was over the top for me, but of course I read it. I don't watch much tv news, but apparently this guy was on FOX and a few other shows and says he predicted the last huge quake here and he's predicting another one in the next 15 days--see link.

15 day window

I think what he says makes some kind of sense, but honestly if he predicted the last disastrous quake here, who was he warning? Just his peers? Writing in his journal? Bragging to his friends after the fact?

The earthquakes can come anytime, big or small. I want to enjoy the super moon tonight, if I can see it through the rain and clouds, but stop scaring me please!

I am organizing my emergency box a little better. Since Burning Man, I have most of what I need, but I can't pack half of what they reccomend. I have canned food for me and the cats, flashlight, batteries, etc. If the roof falls on my head, what good is the box? If the box gets crushed, what good is the box? If the extra water falls through the floor, what good is the water?  

The kit is good if the disaster leaves you intact, just without power, etc. Finally one person commented on his post that he was scaring people unnecessarily and that to be prepared is good but that a quake can come in 15 minutes, 15 hours, 15 days or 15 years. I wrote that guy an email later and thanked him for what he said, he schooled my friend who didn't back down, but has since stopped posting the anti-radiation diets, etc.  I think the west coast drug stores are all out of the iodine supplements, they were out before I even knew the winds would blow the trace amounts. I saw one kid with a mask on yesterday walking to school, but that's the only one I saw.

One of my new co-workers chatted with me at the end of the day. I told her I was stressing out. She asked where I was from and knew it was the east coast. She's lived here all her life. The lifers here are always calming. She said, "didn't we have this conversation about not living in fear?"

That conversation came about when we discussed me walking to work, she asked if I was afraid, I said no, I told her succinctly about being assaulted and beaten, she told me she was grabbed and pulled behind a building but she got away, and from that we both said we just live our lives, we never know. Which is the answer.

So when I go out to do my errands today, I will get a few more cans and a jug of water, but I think the big fear is over.

I think it's in the Alchemist, that a character says, 'this is as good a day as any to die.' Just live each moment fully and to the best.

I'm doing yoga now, it's been 2 days and my shoulders are demanding it.