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[openscarf]

I wish I was able to feel more positively and/or humorously towards my sister. She pisses me off. And scares me. She offers nothing, cheerfully. She has kids which is the incentive to attempt communication, but there just isn't any. My 2 attempts today, have only resulted in me feeling like shit.

Comments

[mollys-home.livejournal.com]

I don't know the story behind you and your sister. I will try to read back in your journal to find out more.

But I have been estranged from my sister for eight years. We've gotten along for periods of time and been incompatible for other amounts of time. Family can be an odd thing. We feel an obligation to stay connected and yet if we were not related to some members, we probably would have nothing to do with them.

If it doesn't stress you out to write about her, what are the things that upset you most about her? Is she older or younger? Do you live near one another?

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

It is obligation for us too. We were close when we were kids, but as we became older teenagers and young adults, it progressively got worse. I don't like to write about it, cause it's so negative. I stuggled deeply with her perception of me, I believed her for years and years. I took a writing class last year, and I wound up using a lot of stories and references from our young childhood that seemed meaningful to me--that I chose those experiences. I guess it's just better to remember the tender times...

Basically, she is very controlling and wound up very tightly and she is mean. She has to appear better than others. So there's this fake persona she has. She doesn't like our family-not in the usual way (!)-but clearly would rather be with anyone else than us. She can be great, but that rarely appears anymore. I'm on edge around her because I don't know when she will go off. Several years ago when I told her I didn't want to keep things from my parents anymore if they asked (divorce proceedings, her girlfriend-things that stretched out more than a year) she told me I was incapable of love. Over the years she has hurled many vicious remarks like that to me that go beyond a regular fight or conflict. She is toxic to me. Period. I guess it's hard too, because I do remember nicer times. Even writing this makes me a little tearful, I'm way too mushy.

I imagine you feel more peaceful now that you're estranged? Are you ever tempted to get in touch? If so, what happens? I think that estrangment may happen to us eventually, when we don't have to fake it for my parents anymore. (and no one buys it believe me, we all tiptoe around her). I would feel more peaceful, and wow, that makes me feel guilty.

Truly, I have moved away from the second guessing, but it kinda came back yesterday.

I'm in CA and she's in FL, thank God. I was happy to move away from her, felt much lighter when I did so. (I have an older sister here, and we're fine and she gets how the younger one is).

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

You know the old saying about not being able to choose our relatives like we can our friends?

I think a lot of times, people are afraid to admit - even to themselves - that some people are just toxic to them, especially when one of those people is a relative (and in this case, a very close one).

My opinion about toxic people is that you have to grant yourself permission to carefully choose the dose of them you can take - if at all. My mother was one of those people for me. I've always said I don't think I've ever personally met an evil person, but if I have, it was my mother. For the last ten years of her life, I had very limited contact with her, mostly only by phone.

If your interactions with your sister only bring you down, then maybe you should consider giving yourself permission to determine the amount of contact you have at all with her.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

It is hard to admit; I've dealt with it a long time; there is now a very comfortable 3000 miles between us. I actually get anxious when I think she may visit-she never has. She likes anyone who is not in our immediate family (except her exhusband) better than us. We're both on FB, (she's not in my favs that I see regularly) so I shoot her an email every now and then but it's pointless. Which is what I did yesterday. I think the rest of the family only in the last few years acknowledges how she is. My parents spoiled her as a kid, now that she's the only one with kids, they are very careful with her so she doesn't cut them off from them. No interaction would be best for me, but how weird is that? It's a shame how she's kept the kids contact at a bare minimum, but that's done, they're 9. She is toxic for me, there is absolutely no other way to describe it. It must be hard that your mom was that person too. It's comforting to hear other stories...

Do you believe we pick our families we're born into to learn whatever lessons are needed? Or that it's the same people over and over, sometimes they're our kids, sibs, parents, lovers, bosses, friends, etc...that has always fascinated me.

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

What Sharpie said.....she nailed it. Take your dose like it's bad medicine.

Are you close in age? Did you grow up together or where you at odds when you lived at home? There are so many factors determining how sibs get along. How parents deal with them has a lot to do with it.

I have a strange relationship with my siblings. It's mostly due to our age difference. I was born in 1961. My brother Scott was born in '63. After a seven year vacation mom had Nicole in '70, Donna in '72, and Glen in '74.

I moved out at 19 when the little ones were 10, 8 and 6. They grew up without me. I started a family when they were kids. We don't have much in common but there's no hostility.

I'm in contact with Glen and Nicole semi-regularly. In fact, I owe Niki a phone call. I never hear from Donna but that's fine with me....long story.

Scott died young. He and I grew up together but he was the black sheep, always in trouble. In a family of five kids I really only grew up with one.

We all complain about one thing, Mom's distance. Our mother will never pick up a phone or make any effort to contact us. Dealing with her is a one-way street. For years I thought it was just me but Niki and Glen confirmed they have the same problem.

My family is strange and now that I live far away I get only small doses.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

We had a pretty volatile family-certainly not afraid of confrontation. Close as kids, but then she seemed to change into something else. My parents coddled her, young and older. If she was stressed, then no one could confront her, because she would react so badly. I've explained alot in my 2 comments above.

I let her views of me keep me down for so long. She's disapproving, controlling, emotional. My doses of her are very small. A day or so in the summer, a phone call on b'days. We're both on FB and I thought that would be an easly way to shoot an email to her, but she's as closed up there as she is everywhere.

I guess I wonder if it's worth it to reach out every now and then and be basically rebuffed and just let it go (my older sister can do that, me, I struggle). I do it, so I guess that answers that-and just suck it up like you say.

I have a brother whom while we have a difficult relationship, I wouldn't call it toxic. My older sister who lives here near me and I get along well-we have a 6 year difference.

It just seems peaceful to me to not have to deal with the toxic ones. I agree with the advice for sure.

Look at all the Thanksgiving movies made about the dysfunctional familes...(tho they seem fine at the end)!

[dadadadio.livejournal.com]

After reading all your replies I'm convinced you're my sister-in-law. You just described my ex-wife. Thankfully, we have a relatively peaceful pos-divorce relationship. We maintain that for our boys but I keep my doses small.

You're sister may judge others, control and manipulate but she can't get away with that forever. Adults will walk away from her. Someday her own children will keep their distance.

Yes, the movies always turn out okay but families are different. A movie has a writer who can wrap the story up in a neat bow. Families have many writers who each have their own idea of how things should be. There's the comflict.

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

LOL really had to think about that, very head trippy!

[triplescorpio.livejournal.com]

I don't really have any advice, other than keeping your own boundaries in place for your own well-being. I've been lucky with my parents and siblings - we're all really close. My sister has been my lifeline over the past 8 months. She's opinionated sometimes, but usually right. She has this very clear way of looking at things.

I'll message you about FB. Maybe we could be friends there too?