(no subject)

[openscarf]

I wish I was able to feel more positively and/or humorously towards my sister. She pisses me off. And scares me. She offers nothing, cheerfully. She has kids which is the incentive to attempt communication, but there just isn't any. My 2 attempts today, have only resulted in me feeling like shit.

Comments

[mollys-home.livejournal.com]

I don't know the story behind you and your sister. I will try to read back in your journal to find out more.

But I have been estranged from my sister for eight years. We've gotten along for periods of time and been incompatible for other amounts of time. Family can be an odd thing. We feel an obligation to stay connected and yet if we were not related to some members, we probably would have nothing to do with them.

If it doesn't stress you out to write about her, what are the things that upset you most about her? Is she older or younger? Do you live near one another?

[openscarf.livejournal.com]

It is obligation for us too. We were close when we were kids, but as we became older teenagers and young adults, it progressively got worse. I don't like to write about it, cause it's so negative. I stuggled deeply with her perception of me, I believed her for years and years. I took a writing class last year, and I wound up using a lot of stories and references from our young childhood that seemed meaningful to me--that I chose those experiences. I guess it's just better to remember the tender times...

Basically, she is very controlling and wound up very tightly and she is mean. She has to appear better than others. So there's this fake persona she has. She doesn't like our family-not in the usual way (!)-but clearly would rather be with anyone else than us. She can be great, but that rarely appears anymore. I'm on edge around her because I don't know when she will go off. Several years ago when I told her I didn't want to keep things from my parents anymore if they asked (divorce proceedings, her girlfriend-things that stretched out more than a year) she told me I was incapable of love. Over the years she has hurled many vicious remarks like that to me that go beyond a regular fight or conflict. She is toxic to me. Period. I guess it's hard too, because I do remember nicer times. Even writing this makes me a little tearful, I'm way too mushy.

I imagine you feel more peaceful now that you're estranged? Are you ever tempted to get in touch? If so, what happens? I think that estrangment may happen to us eventually, when we don't have to fake it for my parents anymore. (and no one buys it believe me, we all tiptoe around her). I would feel more peaceful, and wow, that makes me feel guilty.

Truly, I have moved away from the second guessing, but it kinda came back yesterday.

I'm in CA and she's in FL, thank God. I was happy to move away from her, felt much lighter when I did so. (I have an older sister here, and we're fine and she gets how the younger one is).