openscarf

Today I was ready to start cutting and deconstructing and putting iback together again-my shadowy visions for some of my Burning Man clothes. I got way too much sleep last night, drank a lot of coffee this morning and headed to the craft store where I got some felt to line one of the bra-camis that I' going to embellish with seaglass and shells; eyelet-grommet type thingies for the lace mini I'm going to slash, attach suede, the eyelets and then lace up with suede. I got fabric glue, super-duper embellishing glue, stitch witchery, a small swatch of brown suede and sea and blue green suede laces.

Friends are sending shells, I'm getting apple green seaglass from Hawaii and am bidding on cornflower blue in a couple of days.

The lace mini was supposed to be dyed silver grey. It came out black. I tried to lighten it with bleach and nothing happened. I got a Rit dye lightener and that worked a little. I played around with the dyes I had and got a maroon-ish color; brewed up the pot some more and it's between black and the color the bustier turned, a deep raisin-y color. Balls! I just have to get over that. My little sea motif for that piece is just shot so I'll focus on the Steam and the Punk.

I thought I'd glue the felt into the bra of the top this afternoon after more coffee and just needing to get started. I used the wrong glue and did it on the wrong side. Balls! It came off easily, I washed the top, there are some gluey spots that might peel off when it's dry, if not, it's going to be covered up anyway.

I'm just too eager and my mind is not focused what with needing a job and all and the coffee and the sleep and facebook and ebay. OH, to win on ebay do you have to use snipe? I really don't want to. I can tell last time I was sniped though. There's a free trial but I don't trust free trials.

An email went around today planning our entry into the playa. Last year our spot was saved by a theme camp my campmates were part of and friends with. That theme camp isn't coming this year so we have to secure our own spot.  It sounds like me, the guy and the two women from LA will drive up in a semi caravan and get to the gate at midnight, getting into the playa during daylight sometime Monday. We'll try to stay together and the guy has walkie-talkies if it gets confusing (and I'm sure it will) on the playa as we search for our coveted spot, not too close to the main drag (too noisy) not too far back (hillbilly land), etc.

Next on my my mind is my hair. It used to be long. Several months ago I lightened it and semi-destroyed it, not for the first time. I've been cutting an inch or two off every weekend to seek health. Two weeks ago I got my first real hair-cut in almost 2 years, I wanted it short, I just wanted to hack off the past, the dead stuff, start fresh, look different, etc. I don't really love having short hair, I don't feel as pretty as I do with long hair, but I wanted to not even care and I didn't'. I deplore the job she did at the same time not caring cause it grows. We were aiming for a cut in a picture, long bang, short overall, kind of choppy, Since I had just cut my bangs myself, the look wouldn't come together until my bangs grew out, so this was to be a transitional cut. However. She cut a top layer too short (not good for thick wavy coarse hair), then the bottom isn't shaped, is too long, and she thinned it out rather randomly. I kind of didn't care because I knew I'd be going back in a few weeks once my bangs grew out.

Well, Friday I'm going to my friend's from the previous job whose husband cuts hair, he cares about woman's hair, I think I'll emerge with something better than this shortish cap of waving snakes on my head and hopefully come out with a short edgy style.

I worked on my garden most of the day. We're having warm warm days and lots of sun, which is a very nice change from the heavy rain of last weekend.

Inside I have lemon tree sprigs, bougainvillea, rose and star jasmine sprigs rooting in little pots in zip lock bags. Here's a few pictures of my balcony---

Arial view

I may be one of the last literate humans to figure out ebay, but I have. I've been trolling it for a couple of weeks now for Burning Man stuff.  I bought a skirt for $5 from a woman in the next town so she waived the shipping fee and I met her at a grocery store to pick it up. It was cute in the picture, a corset mini skirt. The top portion is black, down the middle and the skirt part is white and black lacy frilly stuff. The middle section has laces-the corset part. For 5 bucks I thought it would be fine but nothing special. I imagined a kid (20-something) was selling it. It was actually a woman around my age, she seemed totally cool, made me think of a biker chick and the skirt is amazing. Great quality, made in France, has some sparkle to it, it exceeded my expectations by, like, 300 percent. PLUS she added in a bra-top cami type thing that I think I'll be able to embellish with the east coast sea shells two friends are sending me. It will be challenging to find a top to wear with this skirt since the black portion covers the stomach. Hmmm. What...to...do................ ? ;-)

My clothes are really lining up. I went to the big crazy out-of-control swap meet on Sunday and bought 2 purse/pouches I can attach to my belt to make the utility belt. I also have a soft eye-glasses case that will work.

I'm eyeing a coat on ebay, they have tons, so I'm not even tempted to overbid. Plus my friend whom I'm visiting on Saturday, where we're going to drink and set up my tent and chat, has an old fake fur coat she wants to give me. All good.

Each weekend I'm doing something to prepare. I have another piece of clothing I want to dye and cut-up and alter, figure out sleeping bag & pad or air mattress and get one, heavier stakes for the tent, chairs, a cooler...What makes it all exciting and NOT easy is my wonderful but teeny little paycheck from my temp job at the biggest food company in the world.

Sunday nights make me feel like a programmed brainwashed enslaved person. After all these years, I still fight Sunday night but Sunday night always wins. I can eat too much, stay up too late, drink too much, blow off chores, but when Monday morning comes and the alarm goes off, the program kicks right in regardless of  lack of sleep, heavy stomach and the clutter that didn't get cleared.

What if....what if when the Europeans sailed here they were delighted with the way of the Natives? What if they didn't make the land grab? What if this was a nation that treated the earth like our mother, learned to read and observe the natural world, respected medicine and magic and ancestry? I know it wouldn't be a perfect world but it would be a richer world, a world of many dimensions....

I guess humans were programmed to fight and grab and envy and fear. I just really hate Sunday nights. They diminish for me what could be. But I'm here and I will stay up late and I will drink another glass of wine. Fuck 'em.

Today I went to the spiritual encampment at Glen Cove in Vallejo that was started to keep the Native American sacred burial ground from being turned into a city park. The fire has been burning for 47 days. It looks very homespun and humble. It consists of one large teepee, an alter and fire that two men were tending today, a concession area, some signs and one and two-man tents for the people camping there. Little kids ran around playing, women were seated at various spots and about eight men were under a shade shelter next to the teepee sitting around a big drum. I learned the parked RV is used as an office.

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When I got home, I put the feather in one of my plant pots on my fire escape.

Wear bling to bed, why not?
Keep moving, walk, dance, stretch or really go for it.
Write, write, write.
Read, read, read.
Respond to friends.
Reach out to friends.
Meet new people or at least place physical body in new situations and places.
Be curious.
Be compassionate.
Be funny.
Be a good worker where you work, if you work.
Play at work, play with life.
Laugh.
Shake it all off, it's in the past now.

I didn't know Harold Camping, Rapture Fail-guy, bilker, conman, (does 'grifter' fit?) was an Oak Lander until this past week.

I enjoyed the joking all week and everyone I know expressed similar sentiments that once the Rapture folks leave, we'll all have better times here. A Native American friend posted a very cool statement on FB about how it would have been nice to get Paradise back right here on 'mama earth.'

I was still in a little bit of the past yesterday, or fighting a cold or just the pictures in my head, nothing major, just what I've been writing about this past week.  This week, I could see myself  clearly in the car with the lunatic, felt the sadness and humiliation I felt then and in the now, I felt heaps of compassion for that woman, that me. I think it has to be honored somehow, you can't stuff it away 24/7, you can't go numb. Anyway, I've slept a lot, Friday night and yesterday, immediately after the usual errands.

At 6:05, my friend texted me, but by then I was kind of over the whole rapture disaster.  My body was so stiff from non-movement. I was 10 minutes into a yoga practice when there was a big thud or jolt, the cats scattered to the back of the apartment. Nothing swayed, there was no rumble, just a big jolt. I half thought someone dropped something heavy in the building, half wondered. I kept doing yoga. Two seconds later, same friend texted, did I feel that?

Holy shit! How funny was that?  It turned out to be a small 3.6 quake in the east bay. Here at least Mom Earth played a good joke.

I have to think about the Mississippi flooding, the round of murderous tornadoes, the wars known and unknown, people suffering daily from hunger, violence and poverty; this rapture fantasy and hell for the rest of us, couldn't have had much meaning for them.

In fortysomething I found myself over-defending Arnoldo's housekeeper because there was a weird judgmental thread going on. I don't like situations like that. 99 percent of it, we'll never know. He was a known womanizer his whole life. Didn't we all wonder (well to the extent that it crossed our minds) why Maria ever married him? It all came up when he ran for governor here. I figured it was sexual chemistry. Their kids seem awesome. The housekeeper fucked up and now the hell storm is on her. Humans fuck up and mostly do the best they can.

This morning is cool and foggy. I opened my fire-escape door to check the plants, they're all holding their own and the weather has been cool and rainy, so it looks like they're tough enough. I found a clear marble in the forget-me-nots container. Of course I wanted it to be a piece of a meteorite, a particle of a star, something from the universe.  I'm  pretending it is; and its some type of message left to me. One day I found an acorn shell, but no digging. It's nice having life back there. I'd love to have a garden-cam to see what was happening. I can't see it from any window, the window in the door is beveled.

And here comes the sun.

This music and poetry speaks to me beyond the physical level, especially today. Which is now a day of alchemy for me, but really, isn't every moment if we just 'don't go back to sleep?' We need our reminder days I guess. As we get older we get more of them I think. That sounds right to me, less stuff and hot air coming out of our mouths and more days that make me remember what is real.

A part of me wishes I could stay home and write and dance and stare at the trees and the clouds and sun chasing each other in the sky, but I think the challenge is finding the magic and sacred in the everyday because it's there, we just have to see it. Let the bullshit roll where it may and stay true to that source of light deep inside our bellies.



Some of my LJ friends have left who walked me with me on my weird, scary and magical trip,  I have some new friends and happy journeys to all and love to all.

This past week I went out on Wednesday and Thursday to catch up with two different friends. My Wednesday night date was a newer friend from the last year and a half. I've mentioned her here. She is in marketing, is as green as can be, very active in her small community, travels constantly and has the ability and knack to bring all kinds of people together. She and her partner redid a loft with almost all recycled and all green materials, art, etc. We had a great time. I had a beer at a little hot groovy place next door to where we were meeting, it was just a couple blocks from work, so I strolled over.

A few people were running around downtown saying the world was going to end 'tomorrow' that would have been May 12, 2011 and they had jackets with that printed on them and were handing out pamphlets. I declined the handout and felt fine about things if this was my last night. While having my beer, I was chatting with the other bar patrons and told them that. Apparently the 'real' end of the world is May 21, 2011 or 2012. Maybe they just use all equations that are similar to the ?Mayan calendar to get everyone to, I don't know what. What do they want us to do? I don't want to even research it. I guess this was some break-out sect of the enders.

My friend found me and we went next door to a charming and beautifull Mexican place and had the best visit, great catch-up, laughed and laughed. It was a very in-sync time, good energy and left me feeling happy. She gave me a ride home and came up, took a book with her (Carter Beats the Devil) and went on her merry way.  She has another big project coming up that she may need some copy writing and administrative help with, which would be fantastic for me. I'm hoping. It also has to do with Native Americans, which I found very synchronistic as my thoughts and energy are going in that direction lately.

My Thursday night meet-up was with a friend I've known since my last job, several years. We're not that close and I had almost written her off, we've been up and down in the friendship arena. More times than I can count, she has made tentative plans with me then either 'forgotten' or is 'too busy' to pick a time to meet. I have to admit I don't really like this friend very much. I don't dislike her enough to drop her completely but once a year may be enough of seeing her. Is that weird?  Sometimes I think my writer's mind likes to stay in touch and observe these things that make no sense.

We were going to meet at one very hip place that is too cool for us, but the group I used to write for was having a mixer there and then we were going to a place around the corner that specializes in naturally made wines, some of them orange. Intriguing I thought. Again I walked from work and got to the the hipster place, obviously too early although after the the start time, they were setting up and no one was there. I didn't want to be there at all. I walked to the natural wine place and texted my friend I was there instead.

I had a very pleasant conversation with the young owners and heard about their wines and had a pale orange, floral yet dry white wine. It was different and delicious. I took a really cool picture of  my glass of wine, we became facebook friends and he wanted me to post it which I did. Then my friend came, and I swear the energy changed a lot. The owner kind of drifted off which was fine but notable I thought.  I think my friend had a wall up. She is quite knowledgeable about wine and I think she was a little stand-offish to the owner.

She just bought a very cool looking condo around the corner from me for a great price, it was a short sale, she's doing well at work, talks about her busy-ness like it's a handicap, like she has done since I first met her,  I said, just accept it, you like to do a lot of different things, you're an extrovert.  She said, I know I know. We did have a pleasant time, but about half way through I felt uneasy, it isn't a true friendship I think. I think there is a lot of work baggage in there, we didn't discuss much at all about work which was nice, she told me a few present day stories that were fun and gossipy. At the end of that night, I felt a sense of unease, like things didn't go well, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I guess the point of this, because it may be hard to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say, is that our associations with people can be very different and based on how much we're craving some company, people find us or we find them and then its an hour or two of our lives.

All in all it was a social little week for me and I enjoyed myself and my observations.

Here I sit at 5:45am, sipping coffee on a cool, as in not cold morning we're having a warm day today, it's intoxicating; reading news, FB, LJ. The muscle under my left shoulder blade is completely tweaked, I have a hot herb filled pad on it. I fell asleep on the sofa last night, gotta quit doing that. I miss my acupuncturist, but it's not in the budget. I can imagine the cups on that muscle providing relief. Maybe imagining will make it so.

Temping still. It's interesting that I'm in the same atmosphere, that of a department that will disappear soon and not knowing when your time is up. Since the pay has been low, saving has been impossible except for a few weeks of groceries.

Must. Have. Faith.

I haven't written or said a word about bin Laden yet. I'm not going to say much, however, my first thought on Sunday night was, why does this matter anymore? I didn't watch the news that night.

Monday I felt somewhat queasy at the mass celebrations of the reported death. I'm not defending bin Laden but something in me doesn't celebrate anyone's death, like that.

I wonder about the reports we're being told. Because I don't trust my gov't and corporate interests and I've read, in the past, much about this guy, the story seems like a good story, but it doesn't feel right.

I will basically stay quiet on this. What I have noticed is that many are staying quiet. What can be said? I don't want my strings pulled by gov'ts.

Back to the morning. I'll take my nine pots of fledgling hot pepper, dill, garlic and avocado plants out to the fire escape, they're hardening up nicely. I think the eastern exposure is going to be fine for most of the plants. The all ready grown basil is doing well. And I can see my forget-me-nots poking through, about 5 last night. My babies.

Today, this moment, is an adventure, I just have to see it.