openscarf: (Bankers suck)
I had to refile for unemployment and of course the payoff is based on last year's earnings which were very low, so what I receive after 15% taxes are taken out is tiny. 

Of course I'm paying for my own health care.

I took a big chunk of money from my IRA which doesn't leave much there.  I confess, I'm scared. Especially after they passed the bill yesterday tying the lowering of the debt ceiling to deficit reduction. More jobs are not going to come from this.

CA just implemented a new way of distributing UE benefits, last month. They send you a Bank of America debit card which they automatically load with your weekly benefit. The letter said the card would come three days within receiving the letter, but it has not. I called UE who told me to call BOA who said there is nothing they can do until I activate my card. When I mentioned the letter says the card will arrive within 1-3 days, the customer service person told me, that's just what UE is saying, no one is getting their card that fast.

It turns my stomach that CA is funneling our money through BOA. I bank with a smaller bank. I was wondering about the hassle of getting the money into my bank, apparently you can set something up with BOA to transfer it into your bank automatically. That's good, but BOA has millions of dollars a day to play with now. I'm sure it will take a day or two for the transfer to go through, which gives them more time with the unemployed's money.  Meanwhile, I wait for my debit card.

I wish the bill had failed yesterday. I think we need a big fail. Obama isn't standing up for us any longer. He could have stopped this nonesense from what I read. The debt ceiling did not have to be tied to deficit reduction. He simply gives in and in and in.

I'm really hoping a progressive third party candidate emerges. I have no faith in our Prez. Yes, he's better than a Republican, but not by much at this stage.

The ONE thing this country needs is jobs. And they aren't out there. The corporations are hiring temp workers to do their grunt work (like what I do) or outsourcing. Their enormous tax breaks do nothing to help the economy.

I need to seriously think about moving to a state where employment is possible. It scares and depresses me. I have a few months but then I need to make a decision and a plan.
openscarf: (Default)
In what we now call West Oakland is a beautiful dilapidated train station called the 16th St. Train Station. A company called Rails has bought it. Part of a new HBO movie about Hemingway was filmed there and in San Francisco, with Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen in the spring. It was kept very hush-hush.

My friend and her husband helped with a neighborhood event there on Thursday night to bring attention to it and to bring the neighbors out. It's a cool venue and they want to have more events like these, a weekend farmers market and community garden. This is a very sketchy part of Oakland but due to new 'green' condos and housing and people who have lived there for generations, it's slowly turning into something good without displacing the long-time residents. The first real grocery store in on its way.

The train station is beautiful and will surely be completely restored one day, But for now  I love the crumbling paint exposing the brick walls and the faded yet intricate detail of the reliefs and the warm golden light that seems captive there.


Pictures~ )



openscarf: (Default)
Hellloooooo Dreamwidth!

I'm sure my first post echos many others here, I come from LJ. The last round of spam attacks LJ suffered the last week or so, made LJ basically unavailable. I still can't post pictures on my LJ.

While I think its pretty cool the Russians have  political journals there, utilizing free speech, poor little  LJ is in no way equipped to deal with the constant attacks against it. They don't have the resources to keep the site up and smooth. 

I've become very reliant on posting and reading my friends journals, it relieves stress, amuses me, teaches me things. I want to post whenever I want. I rarely prepare something then post. It's all live baby. Last week, I really wanted to post and couldn't.

So thank you [personal profile] dadadadio  and [personal profile] sharpchick_2011 for the code.

Much more later.  Peace out.

openscarf: (Default)
I am addicted like eBay so much I'm going to sell a few items of clothing I have and see how it goes. I'd love to make a few extra bucks and I think I have a good eye for fashion and what sells. I'll experiment and see. Today I washed a couple unique things I have kept just because I like them, I no longer wear them, they're drying. Then a photo shoot, and boom! I'm a seller.  I studied a lot too. It made me feel really good and like this could be possible. Which is a vast improvement on my mood for the last week.

I had the thought in the back of my mind but this morning it was pushed it to the front of my brain when I was sitting quietly this morning with my coffee and the lights burst in my head and I thought: I'll have a store on Ebay!

Do you know how it landed there in my frontal lobe? I was watching International House Hunters on HGTV on either Thursday or Friday night, a show I really like because people are realizing a dream they have. It's like a travel and home decor show rolled in one, I think it's just brilliant.

There was a young woman from Park City, Utah marrying a guy from Italy and they were going to live in Italy, I forget the name of the city. She needed an office for her work, I didn't catch what she did. At the end, I realized she has some type of vintage clothing store online, probably Ebay, but who knows.

I'm clearly a person who needs to be self-employed, maybe this will help me get there. I have a passion for it, so that is a plus. My writing, is inferred or implied.

I barely went out all week, a few errands, watering my garden, but that's it.  I've been a real homebody, a body at home. I feel less stressed now that it's Saturday, isn't that silly. I'm no where near tired and drinking cheap wine, one of my favorite movies is on, 'In her Shoes.'

I'm seeing my Burning Man friend, da man, tomorrow for an in person chat and then seeing my friend from the last job. My sister wants to see me Monday, so I'll re-enter the world, -(put on make-up).

I wonder how many people are going to go to Google + and leave FB. Or do both. There is no way I want to do both. I don't do much online chat with FB friends and I don't do groups, the whole idea of being on the D-list of other so-called friends doesn't really do it for me. I don't bare my soul on FB. As far as privacy goes, I think Google would be the bigger threat since they are so uber.

That's all I got. Is anyone awake out there?
openscarf: (Default)
Today I was ready to start cutting and deconstructing and putting iback together again-my shadowy visions for some of my Burning Man clothes. I got way too much sleep last night, drank a lot of coffee this morning and headed to the craft store where I got some felt to line one of the bra-camis that I' going to embellish with seaglass and shells; eyelet-grommet type thingies for the lace mini I'm going to slash, attach suede, the eyelets and then lace up with suede. I got fabric glue, super-duper embellishing glue, stitch witchery, a small swatch of brown suede and sea and blue green suede laces.

Friends are sending shells, I'm getting apple green seaglass from Hawaii and am bidding on cornflower blue in a couple of days.

The lace mini was supposed to be dyed silver grey. It came out black. I tried to lighten it with bleach and nothing happened. I got a Rit dye lightener and that worked a little. I played around with the dyes I had and got a maroon-ish color; brewed up the pot some more and it's between black and the color the bustier turned, a deep raisin-y color. Balls! I just have to get over that. My little sea motif for that piece is just shot so I'll focus on the Steam and the Punk.

I thought I'd glue the felt into the bra of the top this afternoon after more coffee and just needing to get started. I used the wrong glue and did it on the wrong side. Balls! It came off easily, I washed the top, there are some gluey spots that might peel off when it's dry, if not, it's going to be covered up anyway.

I'm just too eager and my mind is not focused what with needing a job and all and the coffee and the sleep and facebook and ebay. OH, to win on ebay do you have to use snipe? I really don't want to. I can tell last time I was sniped though. There's a free trial but I don't trust free trials.

An email went around today planning our entry into the playa. Last year our spot was saved by a theme camp my campmates were part of and friends with. That theme camp isn't coming this year so we have to secure our own spot.  It sounds like me, the guy and the two women from LA will drive up in a semi caravan and get to the gate at midnight, getting into the playa during daylight sometime Monday. We'll try to stay together and the guy has walkie-talkies if it gets confusing (and I'm sure it will) on the playa as we search for our coveted spot, not too close to the main drag (too noisy) not too far back (hillbilly land), etc.

Next on my my mind is my hair. It used to be long. Several months ago I lightened it and semi-destroyed it, not for the first time. I've been cutting an inch or two off every weekend to seek health. Two weeks ago I got my first real hair-cut in almost 2 years, I wanted it short, I just wanted to hack off the past, the dead stuff, start fresh, look different, etc. I don't really love having short hair, I don't feel as pretty as I do with long hair, but I wanted to not even care and I didn't'. I deplore the job she did at the same time not caring cause it grows. We were aiming for a cut in a picture, long bang, short overall, kind of choppy, Since I had just cut my bangs myself, the look wouldn't come together until my bangs grew out, so this was to be a transitional cut. However. She cut a top layer too short (not good for thick wavy coarse hair), then the bottom isn't shaped, is too long, and she thinned it out rather randomly. I kind of didn't care because I knew I'd be going back in a few weeks once my bangs grew out.

Well, Friday I'm going to my friend's from the previous job whose husband cuts hair, he cares about woman's hair, I think I'll emerge with something better than this shortish cap of waving snakes on my head and hopefully come out with a short edgy style.
openscarf: (Default)
As I listen to the boom-boom celebration of the US's birthday, I don't feel the meaning behind it all, in fact I feel sad and I wonder what Native Americans think of this day.

This country gained independence from the British and claimed a land mass as their own, while ignoring or cheating or moving or killing the indigenous people that lived here. I'm second generation, my grandparents came here from the Middle East to to escape being massacred. Does any country gain independence without steamrolling over another culture and millions of people?

I'm not sure "independence" is the right word for a country. The US isn't under another country's thumb, but financially don't we belong to China?  And aren't the corporations calling all the shots?  And don't we find ourselves in the position of fighting for rights that are being threatened, like woman's health care, social security, a living wage, workers rights, healthy food and water, etc etc etc...?

It seems like once the initial independence is won, it all turns to shit, because the power has simply shifted. Power corrupts, they say. Why do people want it so much? How do I, in my own life, seek power? I don't want to, that's for sure.

I don't believe in nationalism, I think it's racist and ignorant. I'm glad I grew up here but it doesn't make me better than anyone else. There are other countries my people wouldn't have been killed that I could have grown up in. We don't even know where everyone went. Some went to France.

Sure I like fireworks and parties, but I don't know what this day really means anymore. I've outgrown the spin. Most of us believe in the idealism and ideas of this nation, but the US today isn't what Ben and Thomas had in mind, in my opinion.
openscarf: (Default)
I worked on my garden most of the day. We're having warm warm days and lots of sun, which is a very nice change from the heavy rain of last weekend.

Inside I have lemon tree sprigs, bougainvillea, rose and star jasmine sprigs rooting in little pots in zip lock bags. Here's a few pictures of my balcony---

Arial view









openscarf: (pissed)
I work with an asshole. It's gone on for too long. He's not a supervisor or even a lead but he gets away with creating a hostile atmosphere because no one takes it up with the real boss. Except me. My friend is the other one he abused verbally and by facial expressions and all actions. We're both small with dark hair and older than him, not impressed by him, not scared of him.  Everyone in my area was aware he was treating me like crap-the other temps im'ed each other about it. But it was accepted. I asked myself, why am I here again? I've done nothing to this guy, am I up against my karma and once I solve this situation I'm done?

After a few weeks, 2 in my group urged me to talk to the real boss, which I did. My attitude was light but serious, like what is this guy's problem, it's not acceptable. Boss agreed, said he'd try to be out in our area more, there would be no repercussions, he seemed surprised it had gone on from day 1. He said he would talk to the asshole and check back with me in a couple weeks.

The situation got a little better and when asshole started up, I just kept giving it right back to him. But I don't want to have to do this. I don't want to have to defend and fight. It triggers me up and I get very agitated when it's done and sometimes emotional. Sometimes I can be funny about it. Not today; it happened again, he was completely out of line and one of my friends im'ed me and said, basically time to tell the boss again.

This is the kind of stress that runs through my body  is the kind that can make a person very sick, all that fight/flight adrenaline pumping and then leaving, it's exhausting, draining and unnecessary. I don't want this in my life. I guess I'm still naive, I don't get why  this guy gets away with it.

So, I realize going to the boss again with this kind of crap is dicey. Boss doesn't want to hear this shit. And this time I'm going to use the words "hostile environment' and 'harassment.' We're at quarter-end close so he's extremely busy. I emailed him and he said this or next week, which is exactly what I suggested in my email. I'm scrawling notes for everything that happens from today on. Plus there are witnesses.

I'm "just' a temp there. I have the highest numbers, great accuracy, experience etc, fun attitude, get along with everyone. So, I'm literally at the point where I'm asking myself, do I quit and try for another job with the agency?  (I tried to talk to my recruiter, she's very young and didn't get it at all, they have a million people they can put in the job) Is the boss going to let me go? Is the situation going to change? I can't afford to not work. I don't expect answers to these questions, they are just what I'm pondering. If I find myself not working there, I will contact their HR department asap  and tell them everything that has happened.

We are going to ask for a meeting and find out from our real boss what exactly we should be doing instead of this asshole guy changing things up everyday, trying to grab power, have some authority, but he's not our boss. Oh and he's having a thing with a woman there and everyone knows about it.

Blerg. I really hope your days were much better.
openscarf: (Default)
I may be one of the last literate humans to figure out ebay, but I have. I've been trolling it for a couple of weeks now for Burning Man stuff.  I bought a skirt for $5 from a woman in the next town so she waived the shipping fee and I met her at a grocery store to pick it up. It was cute in the picture, a corset mini skirt. The top portion is black, down the middle and the skirt part is white and black lacy frilly stuff. The middle section has laces-the corset part. For 5 bucks I thought it would be fine but nothing special. I imagined a kid (20-something) was selling it. It was actually a woman around my age, she seemed totally cool, made me think of a biker chick and the skirt is amazing. Great quality, made in France, has some sparkle to it, it exceeded my expectations by, like, 300 percent. PLUS she added in a bra-top cami type thing that I think I'll be able to embellish with the east coast sea shells two friends are sending me. It will be challenging to find a top to wear with this skirt since the black portion covers the stomach. Hmmm. What...to...do................ ? ;-)

My clothes are really lining up. I went to the big crazy out-of-control swap meet on Sunday and bought 2 purse/pouches I can attach to my belt to make the utility belt. I also have a soft eye-glasses case that will work.

I'm eyeing a coat on ebay, they have tons, so I'm not even tempted to overbid. Plus my friend whom I'm visiting on Saturday, where we're going to drink and set up my tent and chat, has an old fake fur coat she wants to give me. All good.

Each weekend I'm doing something to prepare. I have another piece of clothing I want to dye and cut-up and alter, figure out sleeping bag & pad or air mattress and get one, heavier stakes for the tent, chairs, a cooler...What makes it all exciting and NOT easy is my wonderful but teeny little paycheck from my temp job at the biggest food company in the world.
openscarf: (Default)
The manager in Trader Joe's wondered if our recently extremely short summers are due to the earth's shift on its axis. Has it shifted I asked? He laughed and said he read it but has noticed in the last few years how few warm days we have here and how much later they come.  I agreed and then he said, who knows, maybe we'll end up on Mars. I laughed and said or maybe we'll stay here and the governments will implode and we'll start from scratch. I think we both were enjoying that fantasy. Like Mad Max days.

Which brings me right into what I've been doing the last few weekends among other things, planning and creating my Burning Man wardrobe.I love doing this part. I dyed the hot little bustier I got at the thrift store. I used an acid dye,the color is called tobacco leaf, a brownish, greenish, peachy color, but for whatever reason the instant I put it in the pot it was a deep zinfandel red. I left it in the maximum time but it's a deep beautiful red.The paper towels were a leafy color though. The red is pretty, very saturated and deep, but not for BM.  I'm going 'over-dye' it in an espresso brown and see how that turns out. Next weekend.

I have two more white items I'm going to dye, the one I bought today, at full price! I think the tobacco leaf will work on it, there's some fabric on the inside seam I can test it on. Hopefully I get the green-brown I want.
More!! )

On to lighter and brighter thoughts. A beautiful day, well spent, good neighbors, warm hearts out there and my babies of course (my kittahs!) Oh and I bought a ring ($3) looks like much more, of an elephant head with a few tiny jewels, like Ganesh, it totally and completely rocks.
openscarf: (me)
Sunday nights make me feel like a programmed brainwashed enslaved person. After all these years, I still fight Sunday night but Sunday night always wins. I can eat too much, stay up too late, drink too much, blow off chores, but when Monday morning comes and the alarm goes off, the program kicks right in regardless of  lack of sleep, heavy stomach and the clutter that didn't get cleared.

What if....what if when the Europeans sailed here they were delighted with the way of the Natives? What if they didn't make the land grab? What if this was a nation that treated the earth like our mother, learned to read and observe the natural world, respected medicine and magic and ancestry? I know it wouldn't be a perfect world but it would be a richer world, a world of many dimensions....

I guess humans were programmed to fight and grab and envy and fear. I just really hate Sunday nights. They diminish for me what could be. But I'm here and I will stay up late and I will drink another glass of wine. Fuck 'em.
openscarf: (Default)

Last weekend I spent many hours with people who are spiritually strong. The rest of the week, which is graciously coming to its working end today, was like coming down from the mountain to the gritty one-dimensional flat world. I had to keep reminding myself that only I am responsible for my happiness, I can perceive the world another way by simply recognizing that fact. Then the geese and ducks become messengers and friends swirling and diving and socializing in the lake. The trees still speak and dance. The people I share my days with everyday are unique and multi-faceted and have the same desires and are made of the same materials as me, we’re all connected. If we were able to actually see beyond the structures and all our micro particles could be seen, we would see that we are one fantastic tapestry of such sound and color and vibrancy and light.

Happy Friday Friends!

openscarf: (Default)

Today I went to the spiritual encampment at Glen Cove in Vallejo that was started to keep the Native American sacred burial ground from being turned into a city park. The fire has been burning for 47 days. It looks very homespun and humble. It consists of one large teepee, an alter and fire that two men were tending today, a concession area, some signs and one and two-man tents for the people camping there. Little kids ran around playing, women were seated at various spots and about eight men were under a shade shelter next to the teepee sitting around a big drum. I learned the parked RV is used as an office.

Read more... )

When I got home, I put the feather in one of my plant pots on my fire escape.
openscarf: (Default)
3 day weekend right around the corner, bliss! Even a day with no pay, it's just a form of energy and I have energy. I so look forward to my rolled up baggy jeans and braids.

The last few months I've been struggling with my lightened hair, wanting it to work. It wasn't working. My hair is just too coarse to be stripped down that much and it was more strawberry dark blondish than dark blondish and strawberry doesn't work for me. It felt good, and the grays blended nicely, but  it was frizzy cause I stopped using heat on it except for very light maintenance.

Yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I could barely get through my 8 hours of work without sprinting to Walgreens and then home. I waited like a good worker bee.  Last night  I put one shade darker on it and what a difference. It's shiny and smooth and vibrant with highlights. I have brown hair. And I love it. This lightening escapade was a long 3 month experiment.

But I have always been like this with my hair. I'll get a whim and I must change it immediatly. I should list all my hair adventures and catastrophes one day. I half expected to see half of it go down the drain with the color last night, but no, I still have a thick head of hair. If that had happened, I would have gotten a snappy very short cut and wigs. Really. I had short hair once, it was the cutest cut, but I need my long hair. Native American women believe their long hair holds their traditions and wisdom. I get that. I'm using a new fancy shampoo called Wen that is very dreamy so I do take good care when not performing chemistry experiments on it.

The wind was whipping around beautifully yesterday but I didn't want to mention it as a glorious thing on FB because of all the catastrophic tornadoes (is there really an 'e' in that, no time to look up). It felt wrong to write about, but I sat outside on my break and could feel the cold wind blowing through me and out the back. I always think of it like cleaning me out, and seeing my bones white and clean and pure.

For the potluck today, I bought Lacey cookies from Whole Foods and I'm giving the woman a card. Tomorrow I'm going to a workshop given by two women, one is my Sufi teacher and treasured friend, the other is her artist and writer friend from Amsterdam. It's about living joyfully and beautifully and richly, no matter what is or isn't in your bank account. It's going to be cool.

Happy Friday!
openscarf: (Default)
Wear bling to bed, why not?
Keep moving, walk, dance, stretch or really go for it.
Write, write, write.
Read, read, read.
Respond to friends.
Reach out to friends.
Meet new people or at least place physical body in new situations and places.
Be curious.
Be compassionate.
Be funny.
Be a good worker where you work, if you work.
Play at work, play with life.
Laugh.
Shake it all off, it's in the past now.
openscarf: (Default)
Blerg.

I slept so much this weekend, long naps and fell asleep early. This isn't a good pattern for me. Falling asleep on the sofa is so last year, I don't think it's good for my back. I don't know why I'm leaving the tv on, those damn Housewives are like heroin, not that I've done heroin, more like peanut butter or chocolate chip cookies. Poison!

I felt like I got a lot accomplished, Saturday was errands and a winning trip to the thrift store. Two white blouses in great condition-- $2.99 and $3.99, a purse-ratan and black leather with a cool embellishment jewel type thing- $3.99, in very good condition, solid and snappy. And then, a white sexy corset to wear around the house on the weekends, not, but for Burning Man. It is so cute. It was a bit pricey at $5.99 but in beautiful condition.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. I want to dye it to make it look a little aged and then embellish it somehow. I don't think it works for belly dancing since it's tight in the upper rib area, but it's not like I'm performing or breaking out doing tribal fusion solos in the desert either. I think. I really really like the steampunk look so I'm looking at lots of pictures to see how I'll customize it. It will be something between the two.

Then I slept, waited for the Rapture, we got a tiny earthquake and Saturday was over. Sunday I did my laundry, talked to my folks, did some yoga, arduous gardening--separated about 50 little forget-me-not plants into a clay pot, can't wait for them to soar and bloom. Then it was all ready 5-ish, I felt so un-weekend-ish. Then blah blah, washed my hair, ironed for work, made a pot of quinoa, broccoli and peanut sauce with lots and lots of ginger, garlic, basil and hot sauce, for my lunches.

This week at work they are having a baby shower pot luck for one of the team. They invited the temps, to make something and suggested donation of $20. I'm embarrassed. I don't have an extra $20 for someone I don't know, I barely have $5.  We don't hang around together, I don't want to bake and sit around with them. I want to disappear. I haven't done anything yet. It's so awkward. Poverty is humiliating. I wish I could just give $20 and not eat with them. Maybe it will appear. Or is it ok to just give $5? Blerg.

I watched 60 Minutes last night and heard the Lance Armstrong doping story from Tyler Hamilton. I thought it was so interesting except I didn't like how the interviewer acted like a prosecuting attorney. I wonder how Armstrong could lie for so long and behave as if he was super human. Sad day for the sport and I know people that freakin LOVE that sport and the Tour de France.

Forgive the typos please, I wrote this as I glugged my coffee and now I have to get ready. Damn, I had so much more I wanted to say. Good day to you friends.
openscarf: (Default)
I didn't know Harold Camping, Rapture Fail-guy, bilker, conman, (does 'grifter' fit?) was an Oak Lander until this past week.

I enjoyed the joking all week and everyone I know expressed similar sentiments that once the Rapture folks leave, we'll all have better times here. A Native American friend posted a very cool statement on FB about how it would have been nice to get Paradise back right here on 'mama earth.'

I was still in a little bit of the past yesterday, or fighting a cold or just the pictures in my head, nothing major, just what I've been writing about this past week.  This week, I could see myself  clearly in the car with the lunatic, felt the sadness and humiliation I felt then and in the now, I felt heaps of compassion for that woman, that me. I think it has to be honored somehow, you can't stuff it away 24/7, you can't go numb. Anyway, I've slept a lot, Friday night and yesterday, immediately after the usual errands.

At 6:05, my friend texted me, but by then I was kind of over the whole rapture disaster.  My body was so stiff from non-movement. I was 10 minutes into a yoga practice when there was a big thud or jolt, the cats scattered to the back of the apartment. Nothing swayed, there was no rumble, just a big jolt. I half thought someone dropped something heavy in the building, half wondered. I kept doing yoga. Two seconds later, same friend texted, did I feel that?

Holy shit! How funny was that?  It turned out to be a small 3.6 quake in the east bay. Here at least Mom Earth played a good joke.

I have to think about the Mississippi flooding, the round of murderous tornadoes, the wars known and unknown, people suffering daily from hunger, violence and poverty; this rapture fantasy and hell for the rest of us, couldn't have had much meaning for them.

In [livejournal.com profile] fortysomething I found myself over-defending Arnoldo's housekeeper because there was a weird judgmental thread going on. I don't like situations like that. 99 percent of it, we'll never know. He was a known womanizer his whole life. Didn't we all wonder (well to the extent that it crossed our minds) why Maria ever married him? It all came up when he ran for governor here. I figured it was sexual chemistry. Their kids seem awesome. The housekeeper fucked up and now the hell storm is on her. Humans fuck up and mostly do the best they can.

This morning is cool and foggy. I opened my fire-escape door to check the plants, they're all holding their own and the weather has been cool and rainy, so it looks like they're tough enough. I found a clear marble in the forget-me-nots container. Of course I wanted it to be a piece of a meteorite, a particle of a star, something from the universe.  I'm  pretending it is; and its some type of message left to me. One day I found an acorn shell, but no digging. It's nice having life back there. I'd love to have a garden-cam to see what was happening. I can't see it from any window, the window in the door is beveled.

And here comes the sun.
openscarf: (Default)
I'm glad May 18 has passed. It was just a day after all. All day I felt like talking about it and at the same time not talking about it. I felt like calling my mom but I knew I would cry. I knew I would cry if I let myself drift off, instead I sort of floated between a sort of peace and tension. The rhythms of our lives are remembered in our bodies, muscle memory, moved by the moon. We are cyclical beings. I got home fully ready to stretch and dance and smudge and meditate. The reality was though I just wanted to be very quiet and curl up on the sofa with the cats so I did. Its done now. No dreams last night. I'm very glad those 24 hours have left for another year.

I watched this, this morning and I feel lively again. Good morning! Do not smile while watching!


openscarf: (Default)

This music and poetry speaks to me beyond the physical level, especially today. Which is now a day of alchemy for me, but really, isn't every moment if we just 'don't go back to sleep?' We need our reminder days I guess. As we get older we get more of them I think. That sounds right to me, less stuff and hot air coming out of our mouths and more days that make me remember what is real.

A part of me wishes I could stay home and write and dance and stare at the trees and the clouds and sun chasing each other in the sky, but I think the challenge is finding the magic and sacred in the everyday because it's there, we just have to see it. Let the bullshit roll where it may and stay true to that source of light deep inside our bellies.



Some of my LJ friends have left who walked me with me on my weird, scary and magical trip,  I have some new friends and happy journeys to all and love to all.
openscarf: (Default)
Without a doubt, nights are too short and if you're not careful, you waste all your time letting go of the last 8 to 10 hours. If you linger too long, you're asleep on the sofa, half a glass of wine undrunk, you missed the end of your favorite show, there's an info commercial on and you have to drag your ass up and floss and brush.

But then if you do your yoga cause you love your yoga, then wash your hair, cause you love your new shampoo-Wen-and it's really making a difference and then you catch up on all the news and stories of the day online, then there's barely time to write, either here or there. I should be in bed reading a book, but I'm staying up a little while longer. With wine.

I knew this date was approaching, but as I was walking home today, our 4th cool, windy and rainy day in a row,  as I got close to my place I realized with a little jolt that tomorrow is May 18. Two years ago tomorrow, was the day I was beaten in my car and robbed. He just completed his first year in prison. As I walked up my driveway I thought that I have a second birthday. I think anyone who has survived an extremely violent assault, has a second birthday. I look back on the 18 months that followed, believe it or not, fondly, tenderly, compassionately.  So much growth and healing and waking up occurred. It hasn't stopped but I'm 'back' or at least 'not there' for the most part. It was like living in a separate world, dreamlike and unexplainable. I feel like I'll be processing it forever.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. It's impossible not to think about. I think about me, surviving, not about him and fear. It's not a date that anyone else remembers either which makes it or keeps it so personal, undefinable...

My immediate supervisor at work is a grade A asshole, misogynist, lazy, sexist, dog of a guy. AARRGGGHHH I'm sure I'll write more about him later.

And speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger, nice bombshell today. Can't. Stand. That. Guy.

So finally, my little mother opened her email on Monday and read her story. I got a card from her on Friday and spoke to her on Sunday. She was overwhelmed beyond words at how personal the tale was, she has read it many times and my dad read it twice and was touched. She has it in her Bible which she reads everyday. I guess that's compliment enough. I really wanted to take something scary for her and make it magical and I think I did. That's all that matters.

I'm asking for a special dream tonight. We'll see.

Peace.

Profile

openscarf: (Default)
openscarf

March 2019

S M T W T F S
     1 2
3456 789
10111213141516
17 181920212223
24252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 9th, 2025 04:36 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios