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Today I was ready to start cutting and deconstructing and putting iback together again-my shadowy visions for some of my Burning Man clothes. I got way too much sleep last night, drank a lot of coffee this morning and headed to the craft store where I got some felt to line one of the bra-camis that I' going to embellish with seaglass and shells; eyelet-grommet type thingies for the lace mini I'm going to slash, attach suede, the eyelets and then lace up with suede. I got fabric glue, super-duper embellishing glue, stitch witchery, a small swatch of brown suede and sea and blue green suede laces.

Friends are sending shells, I'm getting apple green seaglass from Hawaii and am bidding on cornflower blue in a couple of days.

The lace mini was supposed to be dyed silver grey. It came out black. I tried to lighten it with bleach and nothing happened. I got a Rit dye lightener and that worked a little. I played around with the dyes I had and got a maroon-ish color; brewed up the pot some more and it's between black and the color the bustier turned, a deep raisin-y color. Balls! I just have to get over that. My little sea motif for that piece is just shot so I'll focus on the Steam and the Punk.

I thought I'd glue the felt into the bra of the top this afternoon after more coffee and just needing to get started. I used the wrong glue and did it on the wrong side. Balls! It came off easily, I washed the top, there are some gluey spots that might peel off when it's dry, if not, it's going to be covered up anyway.

I'm just too eager and my mind is not focused what with needing a job and all and the coffee and the sleep and facebook and ebay. OH, to win on ebay do you have to use snipe? I really don't want to. I can tell last time I was sniped though. There's a free trial but I don't trust free trials.

An email went around today planning our entry into the playa. Last year our spot was saved by a theme camp my campmates were part of and friends with. That theme camp isn't coming this year so we have to secure our own spot.  It sounds like me, the guy and the two women from LA will drive up in a semi caravan and get to the gate at midnight, getting into the playa during daylight sometime Monday. We'll try to stay together and the guy has walkie-talkies if it gets confusing (and I'm sure it will) on the playa as we search for our coveted spot, not too close to the main drag (too noisy) not too far back (hillbilly land), etc.

Next on my my mind is my hair. It used to be long. Several months ago I lightened it and semi-destroyed it, not for the first time. I've been cutting an inch or two off every weekend to seek health. Two weeks ago I got my first real hair-cut in almost 2 years, I wanted it short, I just wanted to hack off the past, the dead stuff, start fresh, look different, etc. I don't really love having short hair, I don't feel as pretty as I do with long hair, but I wanted to not even care and I didn't'. I deplore the job she did at the same time not caring cause it grows. We were aiming for a cut in a picture, long bang, short overall, kind of choppy, Since I had just cut my bangs myself, the look wouldn't come together until my bangs grew out, so this was to be a transitional cut. However. She cut a top layer too short (not good for thick wavy coarse hair), then the bottom isn't shaped, is too long, and she thinned it out rather randomly. I kind of didn't care because I knew I'd be going back in a few weeks once my bangs grew out.

Well, Friday I'm going to my friend's from the previous job whose husband cuts hair, he cares about woman's hair, I think I'll emerge with something better than this shortish cap of waving snakes on my head and hopefully come out with a short edgy style.
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As I listen to the boom-boom celebration of the US's birthday, I don't feel the meaning behind it all, in fact I feel sad and I wonder what Native Americans think of this day.

This country gained independence from the British and claimed a land mass as their own, while ignoring or cheating or moving or killing the indigenous people that lived here. I'm second generation, my grandparents came here from the Middle East to to escape being massacred. Does any country gain independence without steamrolling over another culture and millions of people?

I'm not sure "independence" is the right word for a country. The US isn't under another country's thumb, but financially don't we belong to China?  And aren't the corporations calling all the shots?  And don't we find ourselves in the position of fighting for rights that are being threatened, like woman's health care, social security, a living wage, workers rights, healthy food and water, etc etc etc...?

It seems like once the initial independence is won, it all turns to shit, because the power has simply shifted. Power corrupts, they say. Why do people want it so much? How do I, in my own life, seek power? I don't want to, that's for sure.

I don't believe in nationalism, I think it's racist and ignorant. I'm glad I grew up here but it doesn't make me better than anyone else. There are other countries my people wouldn't have been killed that I could have grown up in. We don't even know where everyone went. Some went to France.

Sure I like fireworks and parties, but I don't know what this day really means anymore. I've outgrown the spin. Most of us believe in the idealism and ideas of this nation, but the US today isn't what Ben and Thomas had in mind, in my opinion.
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I worked on my garden most of the day. We're having warm warm days and lots of sun, which is a very nice change from the heavy rain of last weekend.

Inside I have lemon tree sprigs, bougainvillea, rose and star jasmine sprigs rooting in little pots in zip lock bags. Here's a few pictures of my balcony---

Arial view

openscarf: (pissed)
I work with an asshole. It's gone on for too long. He's not a supervisor or even a lead but he gets away with creating a hostile atmosphere because no one takes it up with the real boss. Except me. My friend is the other one he abused verbally and by facial expressions and all actions. We're both small with dark hair and older than him, not impressed by him, not scared of him.  Everyone in my area was aware he was treating me like crap-the other temps im'ed each other about it. But it was accepted. I asked myself, why am I here again? I've done nothing to this guy, am I up against my karma and once I solve this situation I'm done?

After a few weeks, 2 in my group urged me to talk to the real boss, which I did. My attitude was light but serious, like what is this guy's problem, it's not acceptable. Boss agreed, said he'd try to be out in our area more, there would be no repercussions, he seemed surprised it had gone on from day 1. He said he would talk to the asshole and check back with me in a couple weeks.

The situation got a little better and when asshole started up, I just kept giving it right back to him. But I don't want to have to do this. I don't want to have to defend and fight. It triggers me up and I get very agitated when it's done and sometimes emotional. Sometimes I can be funny about it. Not today; it happened again, he was completely out of line and one of my friends im'ed me and said, basically time to tell the boss again.

This is the kind of stress that runs through my body  is the kind that can make a person very sick, all that fight/flight adrenaline pumping and then leaving, it's exhausting, draining and unnecessary. I don't want this in my life. I guess I'm still naive, I don't get why  this guy gets away with it.

So, I realize going to the boss again with this kind of crap is dicey. Boss doesn't want to hear this shit. And this time I'm going to use the words "hostile environment' and 'harassment.' We're at quarter-end close so he's extremely busy. I emailed him and he said this or next week, which is exactly what I suggested in my email. I'm scrawling notes for everything that happens from today on. Plus there are witnesses.

I'm "just' a temp there. I have the highest numbers, great accuracy, experience etc, fun attitude, get along with everyone. So, I'm literally at the point where I'm asking myself, do I quit and try for another job with the agency?  (I tried to talk to my recruiter, she's very young and didn't get it at all, they have a million people they can put in the job) Is the boss going to let me go? Is the situation going to change? I can't afford to not work. I don't expect answers to these questions, they are just what I'm pondering. If I find myself not working there, I will contact their HR department asap  and tell them everything that has happened.

We are going to ask for a meeting and find out from our real boss what exactly we should be doing instead of this asshole guy changing things up everyday, trying to grab power, have some authority, but he's not our boss. Oh and he's having a thing with a woman there and everyone knows about it.

Blerg. I really hope your days were much better.
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I may be one of the last literate humans to figure out ebay, but I have. I've been trolling it for a couple of weeks now for Burning Man stuff.  I bought a skirt for $5 from a woman in the next town so she waived the shipping fee and I met her at a grocery store to pick it up. It was cute in the picture, a corset mini skirt. The top portion is black, down the middle and the skirt part is white and black lacy frilly stuff. The middle section has laces-the corset part. For 5 bucks I thought it would be fine but nothing special. I imagined a kid (20-something) was selling it. It was actually a woman around my age, she seemed totally cool, made me think of a biker chick and the skirt is amazing. Great quality, made in France, has some sparkle to it, it exceeded my expectations by, like, 300 percent. PLUS she added in a bra-top cami type thing that I think I'll be able to embellish with the east coast sea shells two friends are sending me. It will be challenging to find a top to wear with this skirt since the black portion covers the stomach. Hmmm. ? ;-)

My clothes are really lining up. I went to the big crazy out-of-control swap meet on Sunday and bought 2 purse/pouches I can attach to my belt to make the utility belt. I also have a soft eye-glasses case that will work.

I'm eyeing a coat on ebay, they have tons, so I'm not even tempted to overbid. Plus my friend whom I'm visiting on Saturday, where we're going to drink and set up my tent and chat, has an old fake fur coat she wants to give me. All good.

Each weekend I'm doing something to prepare. I have another piece of clothing I want to dye and cut-up and alter, figure out sleeping bag & pad or air mattress and get one, heavier stakes for the tent, chairs, a cooler...What makes it all exciting and NOT easy is my wonderful but teeny little paycheck from my temp job at the biggest food company in the world.
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The manager in Trader Joe's wondered if our recently extremely short summers are due to the earth's shift on its axis. Has it shifted I asked? He laughed and said he read it but has noticed in the last few years how few warm days we have here and how much later they come.  I agreed and then he said, who knows, maybe we'll end up on Mars. I laughed and said or maybe we'll stay here and the governments will implode and we'll start from scratch. I think we both were enjoying that fantasy. Like Mad Max days.

Which brings me right into what I've been doing the last few weekends among other things, planning and creating my Burning Man wardrobe.I love doing this part. I dyed the hot little bustier I got at the thrift store. I used an acid dye,the color is called tobacco leaf, a brownish, greenish, peachy color, but for whatever reason the instant I put it in the pot it was a deep zinfandel red. I left it in the maximum time but it's a deep beautiful red.The paper towels were a leafy color though. The red is pretty, very saturated and deep, but not for BM.  I'm going 'over-dye' it in an espresso brown and see how that turns out. Next weekend.

I have two more white items I'm going to dye, the one I bought today, at full price! I think the tobacco leaf will work on it, there's some fabric on the inside seam I can test it on. Hopefully I get the green-brown I want.
More!! )

On to lighter and brighter thoughts. A beautiful day, well spent, good neighbors, warm hearts out there and my babies of course (my kittahs!) Oh and I bought a ring ($3) looks like much more, of an elephant head with a few tiny jewels, like Ganesh, it totally and completely rocks.
openscarf: (me)
Sunday nights make me feel like a programmed brainwashed enslaved person. After all these years, I still fight Sunday night but Sunday night always wins. I can eat too much, stay up too late, drink too much, blow off chores, but when Monday morning comes and the alarm goes off, the program kicks right in regardless of  lack of sleep, heavy stomach and the clutter that didn't get cleared.

What if....what if when the Europeans sailed here they were delighted with the way of the Natives? What if they didn't make the land grab? What if this was a nation that treated the earth like our mother, learned to read and observe the natural world, respected medicine and magic and ancestry? I know it wouldn't be a perfect world but it would be a richer world, a world of many dimensions....

I guess humans were programmed to fight and grab and envy and fear. I just really hate Sunday nights. They diminish for me what could be. But I'm here and I will stay up late and I will drink another glass of wine. Fuck 'em.
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Last weekend I spent many hours with people who are spiritually strong. The rest of the week, which is graciously coming to its working end today, was like coming down from the mountain to the gritty one-dimensional flat world. I had to keep reminding myself that only I am responsible for my happiness, I can perceive the world another way by simply recognizing that fact. Then the geese and ducks become messengers and friends swirling and diving and socializing in the lake. The trees still speak and dance. The people I share my days with everyday are unique and multi-faceted and have the same desires and are made of the same materials as me, we’re all connected. If we were able to actually see beyond the structures and all our micro particles could be seen, we would see that we are one fantastic tapestry of such sound and color and vibrancy and light.

Happy Friday Friends!

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Today I went to the spiritual encampment at Glen Cove in Vallejo that was started to keep the Native American sacred burial ground from being turned into a city park. The fire has been burning for 47 days. It looks very homespun and humble. It consists of one large teepee, an alter and fire that two men were tending today, a concession area, some signs and one and two-man tents for the people camping there. Little kids ran around playing, women were seated at various spots and about eight men were under a shade shelter next to the teepee sitting around a big drum. I learned the parked RV is used as an office.

Read more... )

When I got home, I put the feather in one of my plant pots on my fire escape.
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3 day weekend right around the corner, bliss! Even a day with no pay, it's just a form of energy and I have energy. I so look forward to my rolled up baggy jeans and braids.

The last few months I've been struggling with my lightened hair, wanting it to work. It wasn't working. My hair is just too coarse to be stripped down that much and it was more strawberry dark blondish than dark blondish and strawberry doesn't work for me. It felt good, and the grays blended nicely, but  it was frizzy cause I stopped using heat on it except for very light maintenance.

Yesterday, I couldn't take it anymore. I could barely get through my 8 hours of work without sprinting to Walgreens and then home. I waited like a good worker bee.  Last night  I put one shade darker on it and what a difference. It's shiny and smooth and vibrant with highlights. I have brown hair. And I love it. This lightening escapade was a long 3 month experiment.

But I have always been like this with my hair. I'll get a whim and I must change it immediatly. I should list all my hair adventures and catastrophes one day. I half expected to see half of it go down the drain with the color last night, but no, I still have a thick head of hair. If that had happened, I would have gotten a snappy very short cut and wigs. Really. I had short hair once, it was the cutest cut, but I need my long hair. Native American women believe their long hair holds their traditions and wisdom. I get that. I'm using a new fancy shampoo called Wen that is very dreamy so I do take good care when not performing chemistry experiments on it.

The wind was whipping around beautifully yesterday but I didn't want to mention it as a glorious thing on FB because of all the catastrophic tornadoes (is there really an 'e' in that, no time to look up). It felt wrong to write about, but I sat outside on my break and could feel the cold wind blowing through me and out the back. I always think of it like cleaning me out, and seeing my bones white and clean and pure.

For the potluck today, I bought Lacey cookies from Whole Foods and I'm giving the woman a card. Tomorrow I'm going to a workshop given by two women, one is my Sufi teacher and treasured friend, the other is her artist and writer friend from Amsterdam. It's about living joyfully and beautifully and richly, no matter what is or isn't in your bank account. It's going to be cool.

Happy Friday!
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Wear bling to bed, why not?
Keep moving, walk, dance, stretch or really go for it.
Write, write, write.
Read, read, read.
Respond to friends.
Reach out to friends.
Meet new people or at least place physical body in new situations and places.
Be curious.
Be compassionate.
Be funny.
Be a good worker where you work, if you work.
Play at work, play with life.
Shake it all off, it's in the past now.
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I slept so much this weekend, long naps and fell asleep early. This isn't a good pattern for me. Falling asleep on the sofa is so last year, I don't think it's good for my back. I don't know why I'm leaving the tv on, those damn Housewives are like heroin, not that I've done heroin, more like peanut butter or chocolate chip cookies. Poison!

I felt like I got a lot accomplished, Saturday was errands and a winning trip to the thrift store. Two white blouses in great condition-- $2.99 and $3.99, a purse-ratan and black leather with a cool embellishment jewel type thing- $3.99, in very good condition, solid and snappy. And then, a white sexy corset to wear around the house on the weekends, not, but for Burning Man. It is so cute. It was a bit pricey at $5.99 but in beautiful condition.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. I want to dye it to make it look a little aged and then embellish it somehow. I don't think it works for belly dancing since it's tight in the upper rib area, but it's not like I'm performing or breaking out doing tribal fusion solos in the desert either. I think. I really really like the steampunk look so I'm looking at lots of pictures to see how I'll customize it. It will be something between the two.

Then I slept, waited for the Rapture, we got a tiny earthquake and Saturday was over. Sunday I did my laundry, talked to my folks, did some yoga, arduous gardening--separated about 50 little forget-me-not plants into a clay pot, can't wait for them to soar and bloom. Then it was all ready 5-ish, I felt so un-weekend-ish. Then blah blah, washed my hair, ironed for work, made a pot of quinoa, broccoli and peanut sauce with lots and lots of ginger, garlic, basil and hot sauce, for my lunches.

This week at work they are having a baby shower pot luck for one of the team. They invited the temps, to make something and suggested donation of $20. I'm embarrassed. I don't have an extra $20 for someone I don't know, I barely have $5.  We don't hang around together, I don't want to bake and sit around with them. I want to disappear. I haven't done anything yet. It's so awkward. Poverty is humiliating. I wish I could just give $20 and not eat with them. Maybe it will appear. Or is it ok to just give $5? Blerg.

I watched 60 Minutes last night and heard the Lance Armstrong doping story from Tyler Hamilton. I thought it was so interesting except I didn't like how the interviewer acted like a prosecuting attorney. I wonder how Armstrong could lie for so long and behave as if he was super human. Sad day for the sport and I know people that freakin LOVE that sport and the Tour de France.

Forgive the typos please, I wrote this as I glugged my coffee and now I have to get ready. Damn, I had so much more I wanted to say. Good day to you friends.
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I didn't know Harold Camping, Rapture Fail-guy, bilker, conman, (does 'grifter' fit?) was an Oak Lander until this past week.

I enjoyed the joking all week and everyone I know expressed similar sentiments that once the Rapture folks leave, we'll all have better times here. A Native American friend posted a very cool statement on FB about how it would have been nice to get Paradise back right here on 'mama earth.'

I was still in a little bit of the past yesterday, or fighting a cold or just the pictures in my head, nothing major, just what I've been writing about this past week.  This week, I could see myself  clearly in the car with the lunatic, felt the sadness and humiliation I felt then and in the now, I felt heaps of compassion for that woman, that me. I think it has to be honored somehow, you can't stuff it away 24/7, you can't go numb. Anyway, I've slept a lot, Friday night and yesterday, immediately after the usual errands.

At 6:05, my friend texted me, but by then I was kind of over the whole rapture disaster.  My body was so stiff from non-movement. I was 10 minutes into a yoga practice when there was a big thud or jolt, the cats scattered to the back of the apartment. Nothing swayed, there was no rumble, just a big jolt. I half thought someone dropped something heavy in the building, half wondered. I kept doing yoga. Two seconds later, same friend texted, did I feel that?

Holy shit! How funny was that?  It turned out to be a small 3.6 quake in the east bay. Here at least Mom Earth played a good joke.

I have to think about the Mississippi flooding, the round of murderous tornadoes, the wars known and unknown, people suffering daily from hunger, violence and poverty; this rapture fantasy and hell for the rest of us, couldn't have had much meaning for them.

In [ profile] fortysomething I found myself over-defending Arnoldo's housekeeper because there was a weird judgmental thread going on. I don't like situations like that. 99 percent of it, we'll never know. He was a known womanizer his whole life. Didn't we all wonder (well to the extent that it crossed our minds) why Maria ever married him? It all came up when he ran for governor here. I figured it was sexual chemistry. Their kids seem awesome. The housekeeper fucked up and now the hell storm is on her. Humans fuck up and mostly do the best they can.

This morning is cool and foggy. I opened my fire-escape door to check the plants, they're all holding their own and the weather has been cool and rainy, so it looks like they're tough enough. I found a clear marble in the forget-me-nots container. Of course I wanted it to be a piece of a meteorite, a particle of a star, something from the universe.  I'm  pretending it is; and its some type of message left to me. One day I found an acorn shell, but no digging. It's nice having life back there. I'd love to have a garden-cam to see what was happening. I can't see it from any window, the window in the door is beveled.

And here comes the sun.
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I'm glad May 18 has passed. It was just a day after all. All day I felt like talking about it and at the same time not talking about it. I felt like calling my mom but I knew I would cry. I knew I would cry if I let myself drift off, instead I sort of floated between a sort of peace and tension. The rhythms of our lives are remembered in our bodies, muscle memory, moved by the moon. We are cyclical beings. I got home fully ready to stretch and dance and smudge and meditate. The reality was though I just wanted to be very quiet and curl up on the sofa with the cats so I did. Its done now. No dreams last night. I'm very glad those 24 hours have left for another year.

I watched this, this morning and I feel lively again. Good morning! Do not smile while watching!

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This music and poetry speaks to me beyond the physical level, especially today. Which is now a day of alchemy for me, but really, isn't every moment if we just 'don't go back to sleep?' We need our reminder days I guess. As we get older we get more of them I think. That sounds right to me, less stuff and hot air coming out of our mouths and more days that make me remember what is real.

A part of me wishes I could stay home and write and dance and stare at the trees and the clouds and sun chasing each other in the sky, but I think the challenge is finding the magic and sacred in the everyday because it's there, we just have to see it. Let the bullshit roll where it may and stay true to that source of light deep inside our bellies.

Some of my LJ friends have left who walked me with me on my weird, scary and magical trip,  I have some new friends and happy journeys to all and love to all.
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Without a doubt, nights are too short and if you're not careful, you waste all your time letting go of the last 8 to 10 hours. If you linger too long, you're asleep on the sofa, half a glass of wine undrunk, you missed the end of your favorite show, there's an info commercial on and you have to drag your ass up and floss and brush.

But then if you do your yoga cause you love your yoga, then wash your hair, cause you love your new shampoo-Wen-and it's really making a difference and then you catch up on all the news and stories of the day online, then there's barely time to write, either here or there. I should be in bed reading a book, but I'm staying up a little while longer. With wine.

I knew this date was approaching, but as I was walking home today, our 4th cool, windy and rainy day in a row,  as I got close to my place I realized with a little jolt that tomorrow is May 18. Two years ago tomorrow, was the day I was beaten in my car and robbed. He just completed his first year in prison. As I walked up my driveway I thought that I have a second birthday. I think anyone who has survived an extremely violent assault, has a second birthday. I look back on the 18 months that followed, believe it or not, fondly, tenderly, compassionately.  So much growth and healing and waking up occurred. It hasn't stopped but I'm 'back' or at least 'not there' for the most part. It was like living in a separate world, dreamlike and unexplainable. I feel like I'll be processing it forever.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow. It's impossible not to think about. I think about me, surviving, not about him and fear. It's not a date that anyone else remembers either which makes it or keeps it so personal, undefinable...

My immediate supervisor at work is a grade A asshole, misogynist, lazy, sexist, dog of a guy. AARRGGGHHH I'm sure I'll write more about him later.

And speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger, nice bombshell today. Can't. Stand. That. Guy.

So finally, my little mother opened her email on Monday and read her story. I got a card from her on Friday and spoke to her on Sunday. She was overwhelmed beyond words at how personal the tale was, she has read it many times and my dad read it twice and was touched. She has it in her Bible which she reads everyday. I guess that's compliment enough. I really wanted to take something scary for her and make it magical and I think I did. That's all that matters.

I'm asking for a special dream tonight. We'll see.

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This past week I went out on Wednesday and Thursday to catch up with two different friends. My Wednesday night date was a newer friend from the last year and a half. I've mentioned her here. She is in marketing, is as green as can be, very active in her small community, travels constantly and has the ability and knack to bring all kinds of people together. She and her partner redid a loft with almost all recycled and all green materials, art, etc. We had a great time. I had a beer at a little hot groovy place next door to where we were meeting, it was just a couple blocks from work, so I strolled over.

A few people were running around downtown saying the world was going to end 'tomorrow' that would have been May 12, 2011 and they had jackets with that printed on them and were handing out pamphlets. I declined the handout and felt fine about things if this was my last night. While having my beer, I was chatting with the other bar patrons and told them that. Apparently the 'real' end of the world is May 21, 2011 or 2012. Maybe they just use all equations that are similar to the ?Mayan calendar to get everyone to, I don't know what. What do they want us to do? I don't want to even research it. I guess this was some break-out sect of the enders.

My friend found me and we went next door to a charming and beautifull Mexican place and had the best visit, great catch-up, laughed and laughed. It was a very in-sync time, good energy and left me feeling happy. She gave me a ride home and came up, took a book with her (Carter Beats the Devil) and went on her merry way.  She has another big project coming up that she may need some copy writing and administrative help with, which would be fantastic for me. I'm hoping. It also has to do with Native Americans, which I found very synchronistic as my thoughts and energy are going in that direction lately.

My Thursday night meet-up was with a friend I've known since my last job, several years. We're not that close and I had almost written her off, we've been up and down in the friendship arena. More times than I can count, she has made tentative plans with me then either 'forgotten' or is 'too busy' to pick a time to meet. I have to admit I don't really like this friend very much. I don't dislike her enough to drop her completely but once a year may be enough of seeing her. Is that weird?  Sometimes I think my writer's mind likes to stay in touch and observe these things that make no sense.

We were going to meet at one very hip place that is too cool for us, but the group I used to write for was having a mixer there and then we were going to a place around the corner that specializes in naturally made wines, some of them orange. Intriguing I thought. Again I walked from work and got to the the hipster place, obviously too early although after the the start time, they were setting up and no one was there. I didn't want to be there at all. I walked to the natural wine place and texted my friend I was there instead.

I had a very pleasant conversation with the young owners and heard about their wines and had a pale orange, floral yet dry white wine. It was different and delicious. I took a really cool picture of  my glass of wine, we became facebook friends and he wanted me to post it which I did. Then my friend came, and I swear the energy changed a lot. The owner kind of drifted off which was fine but notable I thought.  I think my friend had a wall up. She is quite knowledgeable about wine and I think she was a little stand-offish to the owner.

She just bought a very cool looking condo around the corner from me for a great price, it was a short sale, she's doing well at work, talks about her busy-ness like it's a handicap, like she has done since I first met her,  I said, just accept it, you like to do a lot of different things, you're an extrovert.  She said, I know I know. We did have a pleasant time, but about half way through I felt uneasy, it isn't a true friendship I think. I think there is a lot of work baggage in there, we didn't discuss much at all about work which was nice, she told me a few present day stories that were fun and gossipy. At the end of that night, I felt a sense of unease, like things didn't go well, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I guess the point of this, because it may be hard to figure out what the hell I'm trying to say, is that our associations with people can be very different and based on how much we're craving some company, people find us or we find them and then its an hour or two of our lives.

All in all it was a social little week for me and I enjoyed myself and my observations.
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The whole family except poor poor pitiful  me was in Florida at my mom & dad's. Even though being with them all at once stresses me out and turns me into a 14 year-old brat, I felt a few pangs of being left out and forgotten. I'll always be a brat as far as the fam' goes but at least now as a 50 year-old brat I can laugh at myself at thesame time as feeling sorry for myself.

About 10 years ago my mom told me she often had a dream where we were on a rocky beach and she had lost me. It was just us and I was a little kid. She said she was agitated and scared in the dream because she couldn't find me. She was calling and looking for me. She hated the dream naturally, it was very upsetting.

We talked about it several times and I tried to help her analyze it by asking what was on her mind at that point in her life, what did I represent to her, what did the beach mean to her, etc., but we didn't really get anywhere with it. I think about it sometimes.  I wonder if when she started having it, I was at a point in my life where I was really drifting away, I never really followed a "normal" path. Or maybe she was the one drifting away. We were maybe lost to each other. Who knows?

A colleague I temped with told me when her daughter was very young, one year for her birthday, all she wanted was a flying magic carpet. My friend bought her a little kitchen rug and she said she'd walk by her daughter's room and the child would be sitting on the rug clutching the sides with her eyes closed. That is one special kid, I thought. As did my colleague!

So, I wrote this short story for my mom for Mother's Day. I enjoyed writing it for many reasons, the subject, practice and imagining.  I haven't heard from her yet. She was busy feeding and celebrating with her kids and grandkids as she should have been when I called today. I asked her to open her email today--I didn't finish it in time to mail it with her cards--she checks her email about twice a month if that. I wonder what she will think of it.
  story for mom )My fire escape garden is growing. Last Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, I carried about 8 pots of fledgling plants from the table that gets west sun - formerly known as the dining room table- out to the fire escape to get used to being outside in the eastern sun and afternoon shade. Thursday night, they spent their first whole night outside. I didn't know how they would react to foggy, cool and damp nights, but they've become sturdier and now that's where they live. Today was windy and I checked them many times, I have to learn how to grow things in this climate.  When the seedlings are bigger, I'll transplant them and hang them from the railings, since it is a fire escape and technically the path should be clear.  I'm still coaxing ginger to sprout from roots, inside.

I've only had houseplants here, I feel successful with these tiny plants! I joined an LJ community called [ profile] apartmentgarden when they were spot lighted a couple weeks ago. The urban gardening movement is really growing, hehehehe!

Take a gander-

4 pots of Asian hot pepper plants from seed & in the red former kitty litter pan, forget-me-nots have peeked through.

  2 garlic plants, one avocado and another pot of hot pepper plants


Rearranged the pots for the photo, I bought the basil and divided it into 3 plants, 1 is inside


View from the fire escape, zoomed in just a little


openscarf: (Default)
Here I sit at 5:45am, sipping coffee on a cool, as in not cold morning we're having a warm day today, it's intoxicating; reading news, FB, LJ. The muscle under my left shoulder blade is completely tweaked, I have a hot herb filled pad on it. I fell asleep on the sofa last night, gotta quit doing that. I miss my acupuncturist, but it's not in the budget. I can imagine the cups on that muscle providing relief. Maybe imagining will make it so.

Temping still. It's interesting that I'm in the same atmosphere, that of a department that will disappear soon and not knowing when your time is up. Since the pay has been low, saving has been impossible except for a few weeks of groceries.

Must. Have. Faith.

I haven't written or said a word about bin Laden yet. I'm not going to say much, however, my first thought on Sunday night was, why does this matter anymore? I didn't watch the news that night.

Monday I felt somewhat queasy at the mass celebrations of the reported death. I'm not defending bin Laden but something in me doesn't celebrate anyone's death, like that.

I wonder about the reports we're being told. Because I don't trust my gov't and corporate interests and I've read, in the past, much about this guy, the story seems like a good story, but it doesn't feel right.

I will basically stay quiet on this. What I have noticed is that many are staying quiet. What can be said? I don't want my strings pulled by gov'ts.

Back to the morning. I'll take my nine pots of fledgling hot pepper, dill, garlic and avocado plants out to the fire escape, they're hardening up nicely. I think the eastern exposure is going to be fine for most of the plants. The all ready grown basil is doing well. And I can see my forget-me-nots poking through, about 5 last night. My babies.

Today, this moment, is an adventure, I just have to see it.
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I remember Diana and Charles wedding because it was shortly after mine and I felt a kinship with her. Go figure. I didn't marry a rich prince who didn't love me, but we were close in age and newly married.  This wedding today did nothing for me. I know a few people who got up early to watch it on TV, I had no desire. Another friend and her friends had a party and dressed up. They dress up every week for some theme, like An Affair to Remember or this wedding and then post the photos on FB. Can you say overkill? I can and will and am.

The tornadoes this past week were almost impossible to imagine. The picture in the NY Times of that huge mushroom shaped black monster of wind and destruction was mesmerizingly horrific, like a car wreck. I couldn't watch all the videos. A good friend of mine is from Mississippi and Alabama and knows hundreds of people affected or nearly affected, who are apparently ok, but wow! What a swath of  destruction! What does that teach us? I'm not sure the people who lost homes and loved ones can answer that. But the rest of us are reminded that each day, each moment matters. With every step, we have arrived. I believe that with all my heart.

And life goes on, the animals gather their wits and begin their days, trees and flowers grow, people struggle to adapt, others feel blessed and guilty and the new reality settles in.

Spring is exploding here, cool nights, sunny days, breezy, flowers, flowers and flowers, pollen, and I love the sneezing. Why not? I felt like rolling around on the ground today, the street, sidewalk or grass, it didn't matter which, I wanted to roll around on the ground. People are laying in the grass everywhere like we're in London or something. More specifically I wanted to roll around and laugh with someone special. I've had a lot of fun the past few weeks, but things are quieter now. Too quiet. But. It's Spring. And that's the fever.

My garden grows. Little tiny dill sprouts came up. They're so thin, they were in the bathroom with the orchids, I did nothing special for them, no diy green house. I moved them out to my dining room table which is now my indoor garden, it gets flooded with light every late afternoon. The hot peppers plants are becoming more sturdy, the oregano is doing nothing, the garlic plants are doing great. I'm waiting for the nights to stay closer to 50 degrees than 40 to move the stronger ones outside on the fire escape. There, I'm waiting eagerly for the forget-me-nots to push up.

I learned today that the department I'm temping in will be outsourced in July of 2012. It's not a surprise I just didn't know when. I keep reminding myself that I'm just a temp there, I feel worse for the permanent people. It's a good reminder to get my resume updated and back on the sites. I have no idea how long I'll be there. I am stressed about work and money, money and work, I just try to let it flow out.

Today when I got home, I got all comfy on the sofa with my laptop and phone. I keep looking at the apartments in Taos and Santa Fe, they are so cute and so so SO much cheaper than here. Adobe style, different flooring, I think part of me is all ready there!  I don't see a lot of jobs listed. It will happen though, I'm waiting for the plan because the intention is set.

Lake Merritt ducks watching the morning's activities-


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